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May 29, 2003

Naked man hijacks short bus
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Amytown USA
"Hightower broke into a home, stole a gallon of milk and ran in front of the school bus, said Lt. Tom Foglia, a Homestead police spokesman. Hightower, whom police believe was under the influence of drugs, smashed a side window on the bus door to get inside. He then placed the female driver in a choke hold and forced her to take him to a hospital." Don't blame the drugs. That's unfair to the drugs. If you just have to blame something, blame the nudity.

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Saddam's bunker never existed
Independent Online | Submitted by: Lobsterboy79
"The Baghdad bunker which the United States said it bombed on the opening night of the Iraq war in a bid to kill Saddam Hussein never existed, CBS Evening News reported on Wednesday. The network quoted a US Army colonel in charge of inspecting key sites in Baghdad as saying no trace of a bunker or of bodies had been found at the site on the southern outskirts of the Iraqi capital, known as Dora Farms. 'When we came out here, the primary thing they were looking for was an underground facility, or bodies, forensics, and basically, what they saw was giant holes created. No underground facilities, no bodies.' ... Shortly after the attack, US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters: 'There's no question but that the strike on that leadership headquarters was successful. We have photographs of what took place. The question is, what was in there?'" Actually, Rummy, the question is: who concocted this bullshit?

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Iraq launched decapitation strike against coalition
CNN | Submitted by: Gambrinus
"The Iraqi military came within seconds of possibly wiping out the headquarters of the coalition ground forces with a missile on March 27, U.S. military officials said. ... The al-Samoud missile was launched toward Camp Doha from an area just north of Basra. An analysis of the Iraqi missile's trajectory by the U.S. Army's air defense unit showed it would have landed on or near the building housing the Coalition Forces Land Component Command operations center and war room."

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Supreme Court guts Miranda, 5th amendment
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: UncleGum
"The United States Supreme Court has narrowed the historic right against self-incrimination, ruling that police and government investigators can force people to talk, as long as those admissions are not used to prosecute them. Tuesday's 6-3 opinion undercuts the well-known 'Miranda warnings', in which officers tell suspects of their right to remain silent. It appears to allow more aggressive police questioning of witnesses in the hope of obtaining evidence. While witnesses' words cannot be used against them in court, evidence can be. ... Similarly, unwilling witnesses called before investigating committees had the right to "plead the Fifth Amendment" and thereafter refuse to testify. But in Tuesday's opinion, the court majority said the Fifth Amendment came into play only when a suspect was tried in court."

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Male models have healthiest jizz
New Scientist | Submitted by: Gambrinus
"Handsome men have the best sperm, a new study reveals. The researchers showed that men with the healthiest, fastest sperm were rated as the most facially attractive by women. ... They showed frontal and side photos of the men's faces to 66 women, who rated their attractiveness. The men's semen quality was measured according to World Health Organization guidelines."

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New anti-prostitution statute obviously unconstitutional
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: j trotter
"Houston City Council on Wednesday passed an anti-prostitution ordinance -- which many acknowledge is unconstitutional on its face -- after the Legal Department warned there is a strong chance it will be challenged. ... 'This ordinance makes it a crime for looking like you want to proposition someone for sex,' said Annette Lamoreaux, East Texas regional director for the American Civil Liberties Union. 'In this country, we only arrest people for committing a crime, not for looking like they are about to commit a crime.'" Except for Arabs, of course.

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Mike Tyson wants to commit rape
sportsline.com | Submitted by: optional
"In a television interview scheduled for broadcast Thursday, Tyson again denied he raped Desiree Washington in 1991 in an Indianapolis hotel room. But he said the burden of being labeled a convicted rapist makes him want to do it now. 'I just hate her guts. She put me in that state, where I don't know,' Tyson said. 'I really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her.'"

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Al-Jazeera under new management
Independent | Submitted by: UncleGum
"The satellite television company al-Jazeera announced yesterday that it had sacked its chief executive, who was named in documents procured by a British newspaper in Baghdad and which appeared to link him with Saddam Hussein's intelligence services. ... After the fall of Baghdad, documents were found in the wreckage that allegedly revealed the Iraqi intelligence service, the Mukhabarat, controlled three agents working within the company. The files claimed that another two agents worked as cameramen within the broadcasting organisation."

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Catholic molestation scandal gets a lot sexier
Hartford Courant | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A former student at an all-girls Catholic high school claims she was sexually assaulted more than a decade ago by a nun who taught morals and religion and was in charge of recruiting young women into the sisterhood. Landa Mauriello-Vernon, now living in Rhode Island, says the nun, Sister Linda Cusano, repeatedly forced her into a vacant office in a secluded wing of the school, wrestled her to the floor and threw her body on top of hers, telling her to 'submit herself to God,' and 'join me in the convent.'"

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Employee steals $400k, returns driving new Corvette
phillyburbs.com | Submitted by: Penfold
"A guard at Dunbar Armored Inc. is accused of stealing more than $400,000 in cash from the branch vault earlier this month, police said yesterday. ... Security cameras in the vault and throughout the branch office were disabled for 30 minutes during the robbery. He said the cameras were shut off at noon and turned back on at 12:30 p.m. Although Vedder was seen entering and leaving the vault before and after the security cameras were disabled, Martens said he did not become a suspect until he arrived at work the next day in a 2000 Chevrolet Corvette."

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Tenant mutilates landlord's puppies
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Authorities said that Nelson Rodriguez had been renting a guest house for several months from a Pine Castle couple. Wednesday morning, the couple said that their six Akita-mixed dogs were missing. When they confronted Rodriquez about the dog's whereabouts, he allegedly told them to call the police. After a brief standoff with Orange County sheriff's deputies, Rodriguez exited his home, Local 6 News reported. When deputies searched the house they found blood covering several areas of the home, several machetes and the injured dogs. The dogs tails were also found in the man's freezer, according to the report."

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Gunman trades hostages for Dr Pepper
signonsandiego.com | Submitted by: Lobsterboy79
"Nearly four hours into the standoff, the gunman traded one of his last two hostages for a six-pack of Dr Pepper. ... One [hostage] escaped when she asked the gunman if she could get a soda. When the gunman consented, she left the post office and didn't return. The gunman then sent another hostage for soft drinks. He didn't return, either. Growing agitated, the gunman threatened to turn his rifle on his remaining hostages unless he got his sodas... 'This is the only demand we know of during the entire crisis,' sheriff's spokesman Chris Saunders said."

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A huge schlong gets you everywhere
rollingstone.com | Submitted by: optional
"When Jonah was ten, an older neighborhood kid told an eighteen-year-old woman, 'I've got a buddy who's got the biggest dick you'll ever see. It's probably a foot long. He's kind of shy. Want to fuck him?' The woman said she did. So Jonah, who was five foot zero, maybe ninety-eight pounds and mostly bald in the crotch, agreed to meet this woman. ... He remembers 'fondling and fucking' and that the woman was probably on top, but all that is vague to him now. What still echoes is the woman's refrain: 'Holy shit! I've never seen anything like that in my life. Holy shit!'"

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2nd grade class watches Internet blowjob
canada.com | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"An Ottawa woman is demanding filters be placed on all computers in the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, after her eight-year-old daughter came home from school and told her she'd watched www.sex.com on a grades 2 and 3 classroom computer. What Tracey Feldman's daughter said she'd seen was 'a person sucking another person's private.' ... 'I have no problems explaining where babies come from,' Ms. Feldman told the Citizen yesterday, 'but I wasn't quite prepared to deal with oral sex.'"

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Nebraska lawmaker advocates war with Iowa
AZ Central | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A Nebraska lawmaker is so fed up with constituents crossing the state border to gamble that she proposed going to war with neighboring Iowa. 'I've been cautioned that the members of the Iowa Legislature might not take it kindly,' said Sen. Pam Brown of Omaha. Brown's proposed amendment read: 'The sovereign state of Nebraska declares a state of hostility with the sovereign state of Iowa until such a time as the state of Iowa ceases the unjust and relentless appropriation of the resources of the citizens of Nebraska.'"

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Scientology urges retailers to come to Clearwater
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
"The Church of Scientology has sent out promotional brochures to national retailers such as the Gap and Banana Republic in an effort to lure more upscale businesses downtown. But city officials, largely caught off-guard, expressed surprise and disappointment at the strategy. ... Given the church's dominant presence downtown, there are people who refuse to spend money there because they think it would benefit Scientology, according to [one official]. 'If it looks to the public like the Church of Scientology is building downtown, people won't come.'"

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Home invader attacks with blow torch
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Officers responding to a call said they found the male victim bleeding from cuts to his neck, chest and face. He also had burns on his right side. The victim and his fiancee -- whose names have not been released -- told police they were asleep in the apartment when they heard someone kick in the front door. They said the suspect allegedly attacked with the blow torch and an unknown knife-like weapon."

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Nobody worries about Mariah Carey's problems
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"The grandmother of a 10-year-old blind girl from Oakdale, Minn., wrote Carey on her official Web site with a special request, since Carey recently canceled a concert at St. Paul's Xcel Energy Center. Hofland wrote to Carey, 'I know it is not very probable but you have no idea what it would mean to this child if she could meet Mariah even for 5 minutes. You would make one girl's dreams come true.' KMSP reprinted the response on its Web site: 'Miss with all due respect, I have my own problems. I have no time to accommodate everyone else's. My sister is suffering HIV right now. Is anyone worried about my problems? Some people can be so damn selfish. Next time you email me with any requests, you will be reported. Have a great day! m.c.'" You will be reported?

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Exxon Mobil investors slightly more liberal this year
CNN | Submitted by: Gambrinus
"Exxon Mobil Corp. shareholders this week voted down proposals concerning global warming and renewable energy, as the head of the global energy giant said profits take precedence over social causes. ... The proposals failed to sway many shareholders, who rejected the renewable energy measure with 79 percent opposed, compared with 80 percent opposed a year ago. ... Another measure calling on the oil giant to state it was against discrimination based on sexual orientation, was voted down with 73 percent opposed, down from 76 percent a year ago."

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Former Goodwill prez charged with embezzling $26M
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"The former president of Goodwill Industries was arrested for allegedly embezzling millions of dollars in donations meant for job training for disabled people, according to a federal indictment unsealed this week. Andrew Liersch, 67, will appear in federal court Friday to face charges of money-laundering and wire fraud, which prosecutors and Goodwill officials say cost the charity $26 million. ... He was arrested Friday at Los Angeles International Airport after arriving from Guatemala where officials there expelled him when U.S. authorities alerted them that he had been indicted by a grand jury."

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