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May 24, 2003

Jealous witch doctors get medieval on rival
Independent Online | Submitted by: orpyak
"Msiza said two of them held open his legs while two more pinned his shoulders to the ground. 'Madonsela took the knife and cut out the man's testicles. He then cut around his navel and took it out. He also cut around his anus and took that tissue out,' Msiza testified. ... After the human flesh was placed in a plastic bag, Madonsela ordered them to tie a rock around the man's waist. Shego, who was still breathing, was thrown into a mine shaft filled with water."

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al Qaeda hates Norway for no reason at all
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"The United States closed its embassy through the weekend in Oslo after a purported al-Qaida threat against Norway that some thought was likely meant instead for neighboring Denmark. The Arab satellite station Al-Jazeera aired an audio tape Wednesday purportedly by Ayman al-Zawahri, the top lieutenant of Osama bin Laden, urging attacks on the United States, Britain, Australia and, surprisingly, Norway. "Don't allow Americans, Britons, Australians, Norwegians or any other crusaders, who are the killers of your brothers in Iraq, to live in your countries, enjoy your resources and corrupt the earth," he said. ... Norway, known as a global peacemaker and home of the Nobel peace prize, seemed an unlikely target considering it didn't support the U.S.-led war against Iraq. But Denmark, like Britain and Australia, was part of the U.S.-led coalition."

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Tard finally allowed to have abortion
Miami Herald | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"In a heart-wrenching scene, the 28-year-old woman's mother tried repeatedly to get the woman to express to the judge her own desires at a hearing Thursday. The mother kissed her daughter on the face, and used sign language, gestures and some words while asking the woman what she wanted to do.Finally, in words that were barely understandable, the woman uttered: 'My baby no more.'"

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Liberated Iraqis almost ready to resist Americans
Times | Submitted by: optional
"They have eaten or sold almost all their animals, and have only a week left of food. Now they hate the Americans. ... Hadeb Hamed Hamed, the tribe's sheikh, sat on mats on the prison officer's porch, and said: 'The Americans promised us food and medicine and freedom. But we have lost our homes, our land, our crops. Now we live in prison with nothing, and they ignore us. It is the allied forces that have done this to us. When we run out of food, I donít know what we will do. ... If we don't have a solution, we will fight the Americans even if they kill us. It is better than sitting here with nothing and just dying.'"

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Murderous transgender hooker popular in prison
Ventura County Star | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A Ventura County judge imposed the harshest sentence for voluntary manslaughter -- 11 years in prison -- on transgender prostitute Jamie Cid Thursday, saying the 31-year-old was a 'danger to society' and his crime was particularly brutal. Cid was convicted by a jury of killing 78-year-old Jack Jamar in the elderly man's Ventura home in March 2000. Jamar was bludgeoned in the head with an unknown object and died in the hospital two months after the attack. ... Cid's mother, Valerie Cid, said her son was prepared for the prison sentence and is not worried about entering the male prison population. 'He has a lot of friends in prison and they're waiting for him,' she said."

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Teacher busted for heroin in her Happy Meal
WOKR-TV 13 Rochester | Submitted by: Captain Prozac
"Rochester school teacher, Corey Hanninean, was suspended from School 19 for receiving heroin and a hypodermic needle in her lunch that her husband brought her in a McDonald's 'Happy Meal' package. ... School officials called police after spotting a suspicious package inside the lunch that Hallinean allegedly dropped off at the school's office for his wife." They make it sound as if they hadn't rifled through the thing before calling the cops.

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Tweaker mom locks up naked kids
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A Logan Heights woman admitted Thursday that she locked her two naked kids in her freezing, bug-infested shed. Rosa Rose Valenzuela, 34, pleaded guilty to two counts of child endangerment and possession of methamphetamine, possession of cocaine and a misdemeanor count of possessing drug paraphernalia. ... Police called to her house on Feb. 13 saw trash piled 20 feet deep around the shed and living quarters when the children, a boy, 4, and a girl, 2, were found in the shed."

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More helpful suggestions for al Qaeda
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
"Agroterrorists could release damaging insects, viruses, bacteria, fungi or other microbes aimed at wiping out crops. They also could attempt to poison processed foods. ... Disease-causing microbes -- such as foot-and-mouth disease -- are readily available in countries where they naturally infect crops or livestock. They can be 'weaponized' easily, in some cases by simply walking onto a farm with contaminated shoes. Such an attack might be confused with a natural outbreak of disease, making it difficult to detect while providing a terrorist with plenty of time to spread microbes elsewhere and escape. ... Successful attacks could trigger quarantines, food shipment cutoffs, destruction of exposed animals, public panic and huge losses to the $230 billion-a-year American agriculture industry."

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University settles lawsuit from prodigy turned campus slut
al.com | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A confidential settlement has been reached in the lawsuit of a former UAB student who claimed student athletes sexually abused her when she was a minor and the school did nothing about it. ... Benefield was 15 when she enrolled at UAB in March 2000. ... The suit alleged that Benefield, of Childersburg, began having sex with athletes during the summer 2000 quarter and that athletes introduced her to alcohol and used her as a 'plaything.' The lawsuit claimed administrators, coaches and campus police knew of the sexual encounters and failed to stop them."

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Book censors piqued by feces, poor grammar
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Super Diaper Baby is facing expulsion from the Riverside Unified School District. School officials agreed to send 'The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby' to a committee for review after receiving a complaint that the book is full of disgusting toilet humor and bad grammar. A seven-member group of teachers, parents and administrators will meet June 4 to discuss the book, which was on the New York Times best seller list for two months in 2002. Riverside grandmother Pam Santi complained about the book, which is written in comic-book style and depicts an infant super hero who battles a villain named Deputy Doo Doo."

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Michael Jackson almost broke
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Michael Jackson, who amassed a half-billion-dollar fortune as the King of Pop over the past 20 years, is saddled with debt and teetering near bankruptcy, his former financial advisers say in a lawsuit. ... Jackson's extravagant spending has created 'a ticking financial time bomb waiting to explode at any moment.'" He should stop settling those molestation lawsuits, that would save a ton of money.

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FCC taking legal bribes
Washington Post | Submitted by: Vomit
"Over the past eight years, Federal Communications Commission officials have taken 2,500 business trips to global tourist spots, most of which were paid for by the media and telecommunications companies the agency oversees... FCC officials accepted $2.8 million in free trips, mainly to industry conventions, academic symposia and technical forums. ... FCC officials defended the trips, saying the agency's limited travel budget of about $2 million per year does not pay for sufficient travel outside of Washington to meet with foreign governments and local officials and citizen groups within the United States."

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Republisexual unhappy about gay rumors
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
"Congressman Mark Foley accused Democrats on Thursday of trying to damage his campaign for the Republican nomination for the U.S. Senate... 'Democratic activists have been feverishly trying to plant stories in various publications repeating 2nd and 3rd hand rumors about me,' the e-mail stated. ... John Parsons, the Republican state committeeman for Palm Beach County, ... said he probably could not support a gay candidate for the U.S. Senate and dismissed Foley's assertion that only Democrats are interested in questions about his sexual orientation. 'That doesn't even sound honest there,' he said. 'I'm a Republican.' ... But Parsons said he was left wanting more information. 'By dodging the question, it makes him appear to be a homosexual to me,' he said."

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NASA could have sent rescue shuttle
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"NASA could have launched another shuttle to rescue the Columbia astronauts if it had realized the severity of the wing damage early on and decided it was worth the extreme risk to the second ship and crew, the chief accident investigator said Friday. ... In the days after the Feb. 1 tragedy, NASA managers insisted nothing could have been done to fix Columbia's wing and save its seven astronauts. But earlier this week, NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe said he would have strongly considered sending Atlantis to the astronauts' rescue, even if it meant losing another shuttle and crew."

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Stickers facilitate public nipplage
Orange County Weekly | Submitted by: juanholmes
"Born of the pasty, Nippies are way stickier than their progenitors and come in sizes and styles other than 'glitter stripper whore' -- pink lightning bolts, fluffy white feathers, plaid, shimmery metallic stars. But don't be fooled, youíll still be chased like a hooker with a 14-inch esophagus."

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Canadians comfortable with racial profiling
canada.com | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A new poll suggests most Ontario residents regard racial profiling as a legitimate tool in the battles against crime, terrorism and the spread of infectious diseases such as SARS. 'It shows that Canadians are torn between liberal democratic principles, which say everyone should be treated as an individual and not as a member of a group, and practical realities,' said Compas president Conrad Winn. The practice of using race to identify people who allegedly have a statistically higher chance of committing a crime or an act of terrorism remains controversial."

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