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May 14, 2003

White House sitting on 9-11 report
Miami Herald | Submitted by: motrinwoman
The Bush administration claims that a 900-page congressional report on the WTC/Pentagon attacks contains sensitive information which could hurt national security. So they've been dragging their feet on its publication ever since December. This is really starting to piss off members of Congress. According to the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee (a Republican from Florida): "I'm very frustrated this has taken this long. ... There's a tendency for every executive to keep matters closed up, but most of what's in dispute should be made public."

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University student chews off classmate's ear
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
A couple of Temple University students get into an argument in the dorm elevator. One guy gets out and walks into his dorm room, the other guy following. Then it gets ugly: "'First thing he got was my ear,' Sheehan said. 'It seems wrong but it was 20 seconds, then he ripped it off, chewed on it and spit it on the ground. He pointed at it with some more profanity as he ran.'"

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Tard-on-tard eye-gouging mayhem
AZ Central | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A 25-year-old developmentally disabled man is in custody on suspicion of beating and gouging out the eyes of a developmentally disabled co-worker with whom he was reportedly infatuated. Victim Shanika Thomas, 24, of Palmdale screamed as she was beaten and blinded inside a trash enclosure next to a fast-food restaurant, deputies said." It was a Del Taco, in case you're curious.

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Transsexual pumping party death
WPLG-TV 10 Miami | Submitted by: Cincinnatus
Never been invited to a pumping party? They're great. You get to hang around a bunch of trannies, plus there are hypodermics, and possibly even snacks. All it costs is $1,000 and a desire to have gallons of silicone injected into you by unqualified personnel. Evidently a woman named Vera Lawrence over time received 12 liters of silicone injected into each butt cheek. In case your metric conversion skills are a little rusty, that's more than three gallons per cheek. And it killed her. Court trial now underway.

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Brigitte Bardot still not making friends
BBC | Submitted by: Lydia
Brigitte Bardot -- animal rights activist, former French movie star, and onetime sexpot [cf. Google Image Search] -- has apparently turned into a bigoted old crank. Her latest book, A Cry in the Silence, is drawing fire for its bitter rhetoric. Somehow, France has turned into a refuge for immigrants and fags, who have ruined everything including prostitution: "Our lovely, kind streetwalkers have been replaced by girls from the East, Nigerians, travellers, transsexuals, drag-queens, bearers of AIDS, and other friendly gifts." And the result? "Having a risk-free go is becoming a real exploit." Oh, the good old days.

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18-wheeler causes 18 fatalities in Texas
networks.org | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Eighteen people -- possibly illegal immigrants -- were found dead early Wednesday in and around the trailer of an 18-wheeler stopped at a truck stop near this South Texas city, officials said." They might possibly have been illegal immigrants? They died of heatstroke, whoever they were.

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Nonlethal weapon bans counterproductive
BBC | Submitted by: Lydia
According to a former special ops guy for the U.S. Army, international treaties outlaw certain nonlethal technologies but graciously sanction their deadly counterparts. For instance: "In the future we will have lasers on the battlefield, but they won't be intended to blind you, they will be intended to drill a hole in you, which is perfectly legal."

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U.S. working on mini-nukes
BBC | Submitted by: Lydia
Step aside, MOAB. What with Congress about to approve funding for the R&D of tactical nukes, conventional bunker-busters are destined to gather dust on a shelf. "The new weapons under consideration include low-yield tactical nuclear weapons, which yield under five kilotons, less than one-third of the first atomic bomb used at Hiroshima, and a 'robust nuclear earth penetrator,' designed to bury deep into the ground before exploding."

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"Low Flying Planes" sign appears near Ground Zero
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"An artist who painted a fake 'CAUTION Low Flying Planes' sign on a building near ground zero said that he did not mean to offend anyone." According to the artist: "If you take a low humor view of it, that's really in your mind, not mine." A great way to bolster your credibility as an artist is to deflect criticism by being disingenuous.

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Norwegian students still going wild
nettavisen.no | Submitted by: optional
"On Friday night a group of students slaughtered a lamb before dragging it across the town square in Levanger, using a rope. 'It was horrible seeing the dead animal being dragged through town. The animal was covered in blood and it left a trail where it had been dragged across the square,' one student told the local newspaper."

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3rd-graders hold razorblade tattoo party
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"About 10 elementary school students received minor cuts Tuesday after taking razor blades to their arms. According to school officials, one third-grader may have suffered an inch-long cut to her forearm. In a letter to parents, Principal Sonja Starr-Whitaker wrote, 'A third-grade student brought several double-edged razors to school today. Reportedly she passed out the razors to at least two students so they could all get tattoos.'"

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New construction technology: concrete mixed with hemp
BBC | Submitted by: Lydia
Structures composed of the world's favorite miracle fiber are claimed to be "far stronger and cheaper than conventional buildings." And safer, too: "some South Africans have been joking that if one caught fire, people would run towards the burning building, rather than away." [Oh god, my side. My side. The laughter is killing me.]

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Uniform means uniformity, cops told to ditch flag pins
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Tim Howard
Hundreds of Cook County sheriff's deputies are pissed because they've been ordered to stop wearing little American flag pins on their uniforms. "If you can't wear an American flag in America, where can you do it?" asked one anonymous deputy. A spokesperson for the Sheriff explained that the crackdown came as a result of the variety of pins: "Some were combos of the U.S. flag and the Polish flag. Others paired the U.S. and Irish flags. By definition, uniform means uniformity. Those weren't."

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Tommy Chong guilty of drug paraphernalia charge
BBC | Submitted by: Squeak, the Human Chew Toy
"Chong was facing charges in a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania court over selling marijuana pipes, known as bongs, through his company Nice Dreams Enterprises, and through website advertisements giving his "celebrity" endorsement. He admitted his range of glass bongs and pipes, known as Chong glass, were used to smoke marijuana." The best line in the story: "Chong faced charges after Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) officers bought some of his pipes and tested them." Tested them how?

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Professor Plum, in the conservatory, with a bagel
Cleveland Plain Dealer | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"For more than two years, North Royalton police Detective John Barsa nursed the suspicion that Darlene Amberik's death was no accident, that the 49-year-old woman with multiple sclerosis was actually killed. Killed with a bagel. For more than a year, Barsa had little to go on except his hunch. Then he discovered that Amberik's husband had bought an engagement ring for his wife's nurse four months before his wife died." That's quite a hunch you got there.

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Woman beats crap out of 11-year-old at Little League game
Boston Herald | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Wakefield police charged a Little League official yesterday with beating and kicking an 11-year-old boy who rooted against her son's baseball team Saturday. ... 'He was giving his friends on the other team high fives and the kid ran up and threw a baseball bat at him,' said the mother. 'It missed and he punched my son in the face, spit in his face and the whole time, his mother is screaming 'Hurt him, kill him,' and '(expletive) this and (expletive) that.' Valerie Yianacopolus then began punching the 11-year-old and kicked him in the face before a Giants coach pulled her off the boy."

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Middle school student launches crime family
Cleveland Plain Dealer | Submitted by: kkkreative
"Summit County authorities say Monday's arrest of the "boss" and a fellow eighth-grader, both 14, put a stop to the mixture of plans and fantasy. School officials had found a note outlining some of the scheme. ... The boss planned to assign a potential money-making area -- such as robbery, theft, prostitution -- to each boy. The boss required that he would get 25 percent of any money generated." According to investigators: "Somewhere down the road I'm sure he was going to try to get some of the girls to be prostitutes for them."

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Newspaper apologizes over penis
Australia Daily Telegraph | Submitted by: Ross
Australian soccer player Paul Hasleby had his picture in last Saturday's newspaper, which included a clear view of his wang. So naturally, he's been contacting lawyers. How about you just wear a fucking jockstrap next time?

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School candidates playing race cards
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"Students at Piper High are getting a crash course in politics after student government elections problems erupted amid complaints of racism, election rigging, physical threats and improper campaigning."

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