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May 03, 2003

Diplomats loot UN headquarters bars, restaurants
Time Magazine | Submitted by: Soylent
Yesterday at lunchtime, food service workers went on strike at United Nations Headquarters in New York. How did the UN staffers, diplomats, and ambassadors react? They ransacked the five restaurants, stealing everything they could get their hands on, including utensils. Of course, they also stole everything out of the bar. One eyewitness said: "It was chaos, wild, something out of a war scene... They took everything, even the silverware." Another person said that "chickens, turkeys, souffles, casseroles all went out the door." Thank you, diplomatic immunity!

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U.S. complaining about Canadian civil liberties
canada.com | Submitted by: Soylent
Canada's pesky privacy laws are hampering American efforts to track suspicious individuals. The State Department's 2002 report on global terrorism says that "some U.S. law enforcement officers have expressed concern" about Canada's framework of civil liberties. Those laws "inhibit a fuller and more timely exchange of information and response to requests for assistance." As an added bonus, the report also dinged Canada for loosening criminal penalties on possession of small quantities of marijuana. If a man in Toronto receives only a ticket instead of jailtime for a nickel bag of weed, then the terrorists have won.

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New venereal disease on deck in Africa
New Scientist | Submitted by: optional
"The disease targets the reproductive organs of the primate. The consequences for male baboons are particularly gruesome, says Elibariki Mtui, of the African Wildlife Foundation in Arusha, Tanzania. 'The genitals kind of rot away, then they just drop off.'" Bear in mind that we got AIDS and Ebola from monkeys.

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Latest McDonald's merchandising tie-in: the Pope
BBC | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Despite John Paul's longstanding criticisms of "unfettered capitalism," group meals for an upcoming Papal visit to Madrid will be furnished by McDonald's. "They consist of hamburgers, medium fries, and medium-sized drink and desert -- either ice cream Sundae or apple pie. All tickets also include an official 'pilgrim's bag,' containing a copy of St Mark's gospel, a baseball cap, a rosary, a map of Madrid's public transport system, and information about the new saints."

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Officer peppersprays jaywalking sixth grader
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Tim Howard
When a 12-year-old girl becomes combative with the cops, you just know she's going downtown. "[She] became upset and began to curse... The girl also walked away and ignored four more orders to stop and put her hands behind her back, he said. The girl, who is 5 feet 1 inch and 134 pounds, threatened to hit Roberto and rolled her hand in a fist." And that's when he sprayed her. But here's the best part: "The girl then knocked the spray can out of Roberto's hand, so the deputy wrestled the girl to the ground and handcuffed her." She slapped the O.C. out of his hand! Okay, that girl is a badass.

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Lottery winner suddenly supports Bush tax cut plan
Tri-City Herald | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Before the Andersons won $18.2 million in the Oregon lottery, they couldn't have cared less about President Bush's tax cut proposal. But in the two days since, they have experienced an instantaneous change of heart. As one of them puts it: "Now we're like, 'Yeah, go for it!'" Evidently their new outlook on life is dedicated to amassing the largest possible fortune. Here's a tip: be sure to file for unemployment after you quit your jobs. Every little bit helps!

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Drunken monsignor gets all 'touchy-feely'
morningjournal.com | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Monsignor Robert V. Yarnovitz, 74, of St. John Byzantine Catholic Cathedral in Parma, allegedly was half naked when he grabbed a woman's breast, touched the crotch of a man and attempted to touch the crotch of an Erie County sheriff's deputy." A church spokesman is blaming an interaction between booze and the priest's prescription drugs. Then what happens when he drinks communion wine?

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New Hampshire monument destroyed in gravity attack
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Soylent
Those New Hampshire quarters are suddenly collectors items. The image on the back depicts The Old Man of the Mountain, an outcropping of rock resembling a man sitting on the edge of a precipice. Or at least, it used to. Now it resembles a pile of boulders on the valley floor.

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Preacher says the devil just might go to heaven
Dallas Morning News | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
The founder of a Oklahoma church says "it is reasonable" to believe that Satan himself will someday become Born Again: "Is God not big enough to change the devil? I can conceive of the devil bowing down and repenting to God, saying, 'I competed with you, but I was wrong. I'm sorry.'" One critic expressed his doubts thusly: "To call what he has theology is really a malapropism. To espouse what he has is not theology nor Christian. It is sheer, wild imagination." As opposed to...?

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Who would Jesus sue?
Bakersfield Californian | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Paul Bell has filed suit against police in Bakersfield, California after getting arrested in a Toys R Us parking lot. He was selling fake drivers licenses and Social Security cards. Well, not selling exactly. Bell was actually soliciting donations in exchange for the cards, with the money going to his personal charity, the Jesusian Foundation. Apparently the foundation is a religious organization dedicated to the idea that since Jesus didn't need a license to do business as a carpenter, state licensing requirements are anti-Christian. Hence, anybody should be able to do business or drive on public roads without any prior approval from the government. That's a neat idea, basing a legal theory on Biblical history. I'm sure public officials were far more reasonable back in Jesus's day.

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Wanking for Charity
Yahoo! UK | Submitted by: Vomit
San Francisco's second annual Masturbate-a-Thon drew more than 100 participants, in an effort to raise money for charity and cure people of sexual repression. Said one of the organizers: "This is an effort to counter centuries of censure, to make masturbation more fun and to make it more accessible." Yeah, if you want to help sexually-repressed men and women, a good place to start is by erecting public sex booths in San Francisco. That really targets the most needy.

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Woman goes to jail for data entry error
Orlando Sentinel | Submitted by: Tim Howard
Police in Florida locked up the wrong spouse for wifebeating. "Dawn Marie Gentry says she's been victimized twice -- once by her husband, who is charged with beating her, and once by State Attorney Lawson Lamar's office... The 37-year-old woman is white with blonde hair; Ronnie Gentry, 34, is black and eight or nine inches taller." I smell a lawsuit.

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Stalking goes high tech
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A Kenosha, Wis., man was convicted of stalking his former girlfriend by secretly installing a tracking device under the hood of her car in a case that attracted nationwide attention... [the former boyfriend] always seemed to know where she was, sometimes pulling alongside as she was driving and showing up at a restaurant where she was meeting a date."

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Voodoo woman banned from courthouse
Macon Telegraph | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A woman accused of performing voodoo rituals in the restrooms of the Washington County courthouse has been banned from the building by a Superior Court judge." Although she maintains complete innocence, "a courthouse employee saw Catherine Tarver in the rest room breaking eggs, spreading voodoo powder and chicken feathers."

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