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April 30, 2003

Spaceworms survive shuttle impact
Wire Services | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Hundreds of tiny worms were discovered living amidst the wreckage of the space shuttle Columbia. The invertebrates had been part of a NASA science experiment aboard ship. Somehow, the little creatures managed to withstand the re-entry through Earth's atmosphere. According to a NASA spokesman: "To my knowledge, these are the only live experiments that have been located and identified." The rest are probably still on the loose.

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Video rumored to show Bush daughter naked & boozing
AZ Central | Submitted by: Tim Howard
According to a New York Post article, HUSTLER publisher Larry Flynt has dispatched emissaries to New Haven, Connecticut hoping to purchase a videotape containing a naked Barbara Bush. The 21-year-old first daughter is evidently a frequent participant in Yale University's traditional "naked parties" wherein the students drink beer sans wardrobe. Make us proud, Larry.

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Missouri Republicans planning to tax bestiality
Kansas City Star | Submitted by: f00f
Republican lawmakers in Missouri want to levy a $5 million tax on the adult entertainment industry: "The tax would apply to sales of sexually explicit material and services, such as live nude performances and actual or simulated sex acts... The adult entertainment tax would apply to fees for bestiality, masturbation, and sadistic or masochistic abuse." Whatever happened to the party of "Read my lips: no new taxes"?

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Alabama says no to buttplugs, yes to obscenity
Wire Services | Submitted by: Tanya Hunter
Even after a federal district court ruled twice that Alabama's obscenity law is unconstitutional because it includes provisions for sex toys, lawmakers are still too chickenshit to remove that provision, for fear that they might appear to be (gasp) pro-sex. The House voted 37-28 to leave the sex toy ban in effect, causing one legislator to shout: "What you just did is make our obscenity law illegal! You voted for obscenity!"

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Jailbreak simulator funded by government
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Recently, Australia's arts council granted $25,000 to help fund the development of a computer game. Here's the premise: you're incarcerated in one of Australia's detention centers. The object of the game is to escape by any means necessary: "digging tunnels, scaling fences, or via the efforts of refugee action groups or sympathetic lawyers." Sounds like fun. The problem is, the creators intend to precisely replicate four actual facilities: Woomera, Baxter, Port Hedland, and Villawood.

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Thank you, USA PATRIOT Act
AlterNet | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"When I asked to speak to a lawyer, the INS official informed me that I do have the right to a lawyer but I would have to be brought down to the station and await security clearance before being granted one. When I asked how long that would take, he replied with a coy smile: 'Maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe a month.' We insisted that we had every right to leave and were going to do so. One of the policemen walked over with his hand on his gun and taunted: 'Go ahead and leave, just go ahead.'"

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Life sentence for catsex killer
Charleston Daily Mail | Submitted by: Tim Howard
Just like a Charles Bronson movie, except with a cat: "Ulysses A. Bellamy was sentenced to life with mercy just minutes after pleading guilty to first-degree murder... Police say Bellamy and two other men beat and tortured 46-year-old Deran M. Mazujian for having sex with Bellamy's cat... The men stabbed Mazujian in the eye and shot him in the face. His corpse was found, naked, on a Charleston hillside." No word on the cat's reaction at this time.

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Jackson to McCartney: Fuck off.
Sun | Submitted by: Tim Howard
After Paul McCartney stated publicly that he feels "sorry" for Michael Jackson's children, Jackson responded: "Mind your own business about the way I raise my children. I don't need your advice." Guess there will never be another "Ebony & Ivory," "Say Say Say," or "The Girl Is Mine." Think of your fans, gentlemen!

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Saddam's X-Men program
New Yorker | Submitted by: johnny boy
"Saddam’s eccentricities included an interest in the occult. Bashir said that a few years ago Saddam set up a secret facility for people with special powers. A young boy from Kirkuk, for example, apparently had the ability to see through walls. He and his family were brought to Baghdad to live, but the boy’s powers began to diminish and then subsided altogether. A woman with a gift for telepathy turned out to be more useful. When Hussein Kamal defected to Jordan, she was asked to concentrate on making him return to Iraq. He did so, and was killed immediately. Bashir said that the story of the telepathic woman is the only one he knows of that explains why Hussein Kamal would have been so crazy as to come back home."

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Leisure-boat worker escalates loudspeaker battle
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: Tim Howard
So much for friendly competition. "An employee of a leisure-boat service who stabbed a worker of a rival company after the worker stood next to him as they used loudspeakers to vie for customers has been arrested, police said. Investigators said Yamazaki was using a loudspeaker to attract customers at Sagamiko Park when Toshio Shimizu, a 52-year-old employee of a rival company, began using another loudspeaker next to him. Infuriated, Yamazaki allegedly approached Shimizu in the office of his company and stabbed him with a survival knife."

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Infant dies of crystal meth intolerance
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A judge dismissed a second-degree murder charge against a woman accused of killing her 3-month-old son with methamphetamine-tainted breast milk because the prosecution asked to delay the trial to investigate a new defense witness. Hours after Monday's dismissal by Superior Court Judge Paul E. Zellerbach, prosecutors refiled charges against Amy Leanne Prien, 31, of Mead Valley. In addition to second-degree murder, three felony child endangerment counts and a misdemeanor charge of being under the influence of methamphetamine were added. "It is in the interest of justice to proceed on this case. We feel this 3-month-old boy was murdered by his mother," supervising Deputy District Attorney Allison Nelson said."

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Brazilian mob bludgeons sharks
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A mob of bathers in Rio de Janeiro clubbed several sharks to death, including a 6-foot long pregnant shark after a suspected attack last week near the famed Copacabana beach, according to a Local 6 News report. 'A shark hysteria has spread on the beaches, leading to the killing of sharks,' a spokesman for the Brazilian state's civil defense said."

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Motorcyclist killed by birdstrike
Toronto Star | Submitted by: Lydia
Bird watcher and motorcycle enthusiast loses control of his bike when a goose hits him. Oh, the irony.

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Sexual harassment soap opera
AZ Central | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Dial Corp. agreed Tuesday to pay $10 million to settle a federal lawsuit [which] alleged that women at the company's Aurora soap plant were groped, shown pornography, and called names. The government sued on behalf of about 100 current and former female employees, each of whom will receive an average of $100,000. Christopher Littlefield, Dial's senior vice president and general counsel, said the company will not tolerate harassment and made a business decision to settle the lawsuit while admitting no wrongdoing." Thus washing their hands of the matter.

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Father kills antichrist son
Omaha World-Herald | Submitted by: KK
"'The reason I killed Brendan is because he was the Antichrist,' Ivan Henk said as he struggled with sheriff's deputies. 'He had 666 on his forehead.'"

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Cat lady uses self-storage
wset.com | Submitted by: Phido's final solution
"A Staunton woman is charged with animal cruelty after authorities found dozens of cats stuffed in crates in a storage facility for three days without food or water. [The cop] says he found four crates and a cat carrier stuffed with 55 cats... covered in feces and urine."

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Former sextoy shop less profitable as Christian bookstore
New Jersey Online | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
"A man who converted his sex toy shop to a Christian bookstore said sales are so slow he was able to stock his shelves only after receiving $80,000 worth of donated religious goods." Well duh... you've probably spooked almost all of your repeat customers.

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New energy technology from panda feces
Discovery Channel | Submitted by: GloveMan
"Fumiaki Taguchi, emeritus professor of Kitasato University in Tokyo, embarked on the project five years ago when he asked Ueno Zoo for a bucketful of one of their most popular residents' feces. Taguchi said the company... hopes to create a hydrogen fuel cell and waste disposal unit in one to sell to food processing companies across Japan. 'For every one kilogram of waste I can get about 100 litres of hydrogen,' he said."

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