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April 03, 2003

Your civil rights: OK to bark at police dogs
Wire Services | Submitted by: AstonHomies
"A man was using his free speech rights when he barked back at a police dog, a state appeals court has ruled. Jeremy Gilchrist, then 21, encountered the dog, which was in a police cruiser, as he walked along a street with friends. His attorney said he was trying to be funny when he barked back. "The mere fact that the police dog had commenced the barking did not entitle it to a solo performance," attorney Patrick McGee wrote in the appeal."

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Colossal Colon to stop in Twin Cities
TwinCities.com | Submitted by: Bammer
If you follow the second link and look at the picture second from right on the link page... Its a great shot of a woman crawiling through a colon on some type of bodily fluid towards a sign reading "hemhorroids" Better yet, she's smiling! This is somehow all the fault of Katie Couric.

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North Korean dictator is a fucking nutcase
Melbourne Herald Sun | Submitted by: Vomit
"All triplets in North Korea are being forcibly removed from parents after their birth and dumped in bleak orphanages. The policy is carried out on the orders of Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il (son of Kim Il Sung), who has an irrational belief that a triplet could one day topple his regime... The children are housed in "triplet rooms", which visitors describe as bare but clean. They are said to receive good foreign-aid food, but none of the love and affection bestowed on most children."

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British Forces use James Bond codenames
Wire Services | Submitted by: Zed
"Crackling over the British communication equipment come references to "Operation James" and its military targets, code named "Goldfinger," "Blofeld" and "Connery"... Some British camps in the first Gulf War were named after characters in Blackadder, a popular TV comedy in Britain starring Rowan Atkinson."

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War makes CNN horny
Straight Goods | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Every station has its own war logo (Target Iraq, Attack on Iraq, Strike Against Iraq.) A more appropriate logo for CNN might be The Joy of War. With a CNN reporter describing an American tank rushing towards Baghdad Thursday night as "the most lethal killing machine on earth", CNN anchor Aaron Brown could hardly conceal his excitement. "Are you dazzled by what you see?" he asked, turning to CNN in-house general Wesley Clark. Together the two men marveled at the American killing machines visible speeding across the sand."

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No More Smoking in Rochester, NH?
Fosters Online | Submitted by: Evan Grover
"Mayor Walter Hoerman's motion to ban tobacco in the city is no laughing matter for several small-business owners, who said their livelihoods are at stake. In a motion filed in the agenda for Tuesday’s April 1 City Council meeting, Hoerman proposed "that the fine be $50 for the possession of any tobacco products or related products and $500 for the sale of tobacco products or related products."

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For Saddam's doubles, head to Dagestan
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Glusker
"Saddam Hussein deftly fastened a scope sight to his Kalashnikov rifle, lifted the weapon above his head in a trademark posture and pulled the trigger. No report followed. In fact, it could not follow. The gun was a plastic toy, and this Hussein was but a seven-year-old boy."

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Teenager raped by anti-rape activist
News 24 South Africa | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A 15 year old Limpopo primary school girl this week emotionally revealed how she was raped by a 43-year-old ANC councillor, who is also an anti-rape activist, in a 4x4 Nissan vehicle belonging to the Polokwane municipal council... She said on February 10, Mehlape, who is a neighbour, visited her at her parents' home and allegedly raped her in her sister's bedroom."

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Fake "War Correspondent" has cover blown
Wire Services | Submitted by: Jim Jones
"Announcer Phesheya Dube gave "live reports" purportedly from Baghdad last week. Programme host Moses Matsebula frequently expressed concerns about Dube's wellbeing and once advised him to "find a cave somewhere to be safe from missiles". He probably gave just as accurate reports as CNN and MSNBC are feeding us.

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Where White Buffalo Roam
Salt Lake Tribune | Submitted by: anonymous
""The day the white buffalo returns signifies major changes, one of which is the restoration of dignity and spiritual worth of Native Americans and the reconnection of the Indian people to the Earth," says Forrest Cuch, Utah's head of Indian affairs... Fred Gowans, retired Brigham Young University history professor, says white-buffalo worship became widespread when the horse achieved prominence upon the American landscape, particularly among the Sioux, Cheyenne, Arapaho, Blackfeet, Crow and other Northern Plains Indians."

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Encryption bill misguided
Knoxville News-Sentinel | Submitted by: Tales from the Crypt
"Draft legislation circulating in the Justice Department would extend prison sentences for scrambling data in the commission of a crime, something encryption advocates fear would achieve little in catching terrorists and would harm legitimate uses of cryptography." Let's hope this applies to war crimes as well. Are Rumsfeld and Kissinger listening?

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Oil industry suppressed plans for 200-mpg car
Times | Submitted by: anonymous
Science fiction or the Times? "A carburettor that would allow a car to travel 200 miles on a gallon of fuel caused oil stocks to crash when it was announced by its Canadian inventor Charles Nelson Pogue in the 1930s. But the carburettor was never produced and, mysteriously, Pogue went overnight from impoverished inventor to the manager of a successful factory making oil filters for the motor industry. Ever since, suspicion has lingered that oil companies and car manufacturers colluded to bury Pogue’s invention."

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Man who would be King of Iraq
Observer | Submitted by: ModestMouse
"The call me Jay 64 year old would prefer 'co-ordinator of civilian administration'. That's the bland description of his job heading the Office for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance, the Pentagon agency preparing to govern Iraq's 23 million people in the aftermath of war, provide humanitarian support and administer the lucrative business of reconstruction."

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He knows where you've been shopping
Wired | Submitted by: Orwell Lives!
"The U.S. government has discovered a powerful resource in its war against terrorism: credit-card records, hotel bills, grocery lists and other records detailing the private lives of its citizens. Government investigators are turning to commercial databases to track down and isolate possible hijackers and suicide bombers before they strike, raising fear among privacy advocates that long-standing protections against government snooping may be eroded."

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How long have Special Forces been in Baghdad?
The Scotsman | Submitted by: Suitts
"American special forces have assassinated several senior Iraqi officials in a series of bomb and sniper attacks in Baghdad and other cities, it was revealed yesterday. American government sources say that in the past week of covert operations "more than a handful" of Republican Guard commanders and Ba’ath Party officials have been killed."

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SF tap water, in a bottle
Miami Herald | Submitted by: accidentprone
"If you like San Francisco's tap water, you can now drink it anywhere. The first bottle from the Hetch Hetchy Reservoir in the Sierra Nevada was purchased for $1.25 Tuesday. It is the same water piped hundreds of miles to San Francisco residents."

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A war of words over sending pornography to troops
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Walter LaRue
"Attention, all families and friends preparing to send "care packages" to U.S. soldiers: Not all gifts are created equal...Jan LaRue of Concerned women of America writes "This is an abominable marketing trick by pornographers who care nothing about our troops" Looks like someone on the homefront is trying to sabotage our J.O. Joes! Note to CWA: during times of war, pornless soldiers rape and sodomize. It's a longstanding tradition.

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Teacher run over by school bus
WOAI | Submitted by: AllNeonLike
"A north side San Antonio Elementary School is mourning Monday after a tragic bus accident last Friday. 51 year-old teacher Loretta Campos Campbell was struck and killed near her home by a Comal Independent School District Bus. She was checking the mail when the bus accidentally backed over her."

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Mary Kay LeTourneau redux, or the female Jacko?
Hartford Courant | Submitted by: Bill Clay
"A 32-year-old mother of three has been charged with sexual assault because of a relationship she had with a 14-year-old boy she met while leading a church youth group." (I really love the irony of piousness) "It was not a crime, she explained, but a romance." Mm-hmm. Then think of it this way, toots... it's not a jail cell, it's a hotel room.

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Monkey learns to type
Sun | Submitted by: Hans Krule
The Sun moves closer to the Weekly World News: "Eight-year-old Mandrill Marty stunned scientists when he started typing a message on a computer. The genetically-engineered monkey, a member of the Baboon family, was developed as part of a project by British research scientists. But even they were amazed when he began tapping away on a keyboard in fluent English starting with "My name's Marty."

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Tattoo artists see surge in red, white, blue
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Tattoo artists say the war in Iraq is having an impact on what they do, creating the need for more red, white and blue ink. The increased interest in patriotic tattoos is similar to what happened after Sept. 11, 2001. In Stewartstown, Pa., a woman asked Stew Ehrhart, owner of Main Street Tattoos and Piercing, to cover up her tattooed peace sign with an eagle because her boyfriend was in the military."

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Seminary orders American flags removed from school
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Officials at Asbury Theological Seminary in Kentucky have ordered American flags removed from the Methodist school's cafeteria tables. The seminary's food service director, Gulf War veteran Jason Ballmes, placed the flags to show "honor and support of our troops." But Asbury officials told him to remove them because, in their words, "God's people do not wave flags as a sign of conquest. We bear crosses as the sign of reconciliation."

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Boy sticks out tongue, gets suspended
El Paso Times | Submitted by: vauxhallvillian
"Sal Santana II, a 12-year-old Magoffin Middle School student, said he stuck his tongue out at a girl who declined his invitation to be his girlfriend. School district administrators viewed the incident as sexual harassment, suspended him for three days and are considering placing him in an alternative school."

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Warner bros censors What a Girl Wants ad
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: Idiot Savant
"With the war in Iraq sparking anti-war protests in the United States and abroad, however, Warner Bros. quickly changed the ad. The studio said Monday it feared the peace sign would be viewed as a political message." And we wouldn't want peace, no.

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She Works Hard For The Money
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Gary MiddleMan
This is why all the hos needs they pimps. "The Sweeties escort met the assailant at a local hotel last month, said the employee, who requested anonymity. The assailant, who has been caught on hotel surveillance cameras, pulled out a box cutter, bound her hands behind her back with plastic ties, and ordered her to lie on the floor. The man asked where her money was, stole an undisclosed amount, and left her bound and screaming for help. The attacks have become more violent, police said."

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Gimme my motherfucking curly fries
Greenville Online | Submitted by: b.goode
The perils of working a drive thru window: "When the manager told him he wouldn't replace the fries, the suspect pulled out a revolver, Hildebrand said. The manager quickly shut the window, he said. The manager told investigators that the suspect fired at the window once, leaving a dent in the metal part of the window, then drove off."

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