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March 29, 2003

Inmate charged in urine squirting incident
Edwardsville Intelligencer | Submitted by: anonymous
"A search of his cell produced several shampoo, lotion, and other plastic bottles filled with urine and feces... "How do you get feces in a bottle?" [Sgt. John] Lakin [chief of detectives] asked... [Sheriff Bob] Hertz said he does not recall any incidents at the jail that were as organized as last week's attack apparently was, although there have been incidents in which inmates have thrown feces against the wall or at each other."

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Dogs with cell phones
Forbes | Submitted by: anonymous
Expaning the market: "The result is a wireless phone that can be strapped to the back of a hunting dog, sending the dog's location back to its master while tracking hunting prey. The hunter can also dial up the dog's phone to give verbal commands. It can also let the hunter listen to the dog's bark, which can vary depending on what kind of animal the dog is tracking."

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Ten year old beats toddler to death
New York Newsday | Submitted by: KungFooKittie
"A 10 year old boy is under arrest, charged with luring a 3-year-old boy from a library, beating him with a baseball bat and sexually assaulting him before dumping his body in a drainage ditch. The victim, Amir Beeks, died Thursday morning, authorities said."

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Girl fights python to save kitten
Courier-Mail | Submitted by: Rockpile
"A six year old girl became the first female to receive the RSPCA's humane award for saving her kitten from a predatory python. Marlie Coleman did not think twice about taking on the scrub python when it wrapped its jaws around her kitten Sooty in their Cairns backyard earlier this year. The sharp-toothed python let go of the kitten, but attached itself to Marlie's lip, hanging on until her mother heard the screams and shook it off."

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Uncle Sam: Muslims need not apply
Hindustan Times | Submitted by: anonymous
If you're over 35 and ever flipped through a Koran, the US Government would like you to SLOWLY step away from the job interview desk, put your hands on your head and--without making any sudden movements--back your terrorist ass out of the room: "The advertisement calls for applications from "non-Muslims only" for sundry jobs at the US base in northern Kuwait."

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Birds find migration routes hit by War
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Glusker
"The U.S.-led war in Iraq has claimed the lives of both civilians and coalition soldiers and is now beginning to take its toll on an unlikely population: flocks of migrating Russian birds. Ornithologists said they feared more oil wells would be set on fire, releasing smoke that will cause several thousands of birds wintering in Iraq to become disoriented and confused. As a result, the birds will not be able to complete the flight back to their summer homes in Russia, scientists said."

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Does W have a doppelganger?
Guardian | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Several observers noted that the president's eyes seemed too close together; others believed them to be too far apart (when viewed on a 21in TV screen, you shouldn't be able to fit a pound coin between them, according to one rule of thumb). It is telling, they say, that Mr Bush made his first appearance in front of combat service personnel, none of whom are likely to have known him closely during his days with the Texas National Guard." If you made it this far, please realize that Tim Dowling wrote this thing.

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Time traveler busted for insider trading
Weekly World News | Submitted by: Black Spider-Man
We do not normally link to WWN stories, but this one is too good, and too many people are submitting it: "Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune." Such as his $350M, which as we all know, the WWN just sort of invented.

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Armored Car: New status symbol
CBS News | Submitted by: johnny boy
"The country's two largest automakers are jumping into the limited but expanding U.S. market for armored vehicles as drivers' concerns grow about terrorism and random violence. The new vehicles being created by General Motors Corp. and Ford Motor Co. can withstand shots from powerful handgun and high-powered rifle blasts... Prospective customers include corporate executives, politicians, government agencies and private citizens, Ford said."

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Sex toy that made sparks fly
This Is London | Submitted by: Homer
"Manfred Lubitz wired himself up to the gadget, which had a vibrating mat, massage pads and electrodes attached to his genitals, to watch porn movies... "There seems to have been a power surge while he was watching a film called Hot Vixen Nuns. And the flat was damp."

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Sperms like eggs. Duh
Orlando Sentinel | Submitted by: Razor
"Like a hummingbird following fragrance to a flower, the male sperm follows chemical attractants to find the female egg. Researchers now have identified a key part of the process and say the discovery could lead to a new form of contraception that does not depend on hormones, or to help for infertility."

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Top lawyer tastes defeat
Orlando Sentinel | Submitted by: Razor
F. Lee Baily update: to the story submitted earlier... not only did the Dufus represent himself, he got another 3 million in fines on top of the 2 million he was not paying: "It was a double defeat for a man who had been America's most celebrated criminal defense attorney. He lost as both client and lawyer. Disbarred in 2001, Bailey had represented himself in federal court in Orlando, claiming he was too poor to hire his own counsel."

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Eliminating the Eliminator
WRAL-TV 5 Raleigh | Submitted by: Dusik
"WRAL has been reporting about about the device, touted as a "red-light camera beater" since July. Thursday, a legislator who saw the television reports introduced a bill that would make the Eliminator illegal. The Eliminator's manufacturer said the louvered piece of plastic blocks the view of a car's license plate from red-light cameras. The manufacturer is right."

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Iraqi who used WMD's now on US payroll
KurdishMedia | Submitted by: Mikhail Moorovitch
Here's three stories to piece together, from places of varying credibility. Nizar Al-Khazraji gassed Kurdish Iraqis in the late 1980's. He was being held for war crimes in Denmark, but has now disappeared. And he's been mentioned as a potential for a role in the future government of Iraq (nice choice, guys.) However, it is clear from these pieces that Al-Khazraji is on the US payroll, and that no good can come from this arrangement.

Read article... and This... and This...

Police dog turns, cops take it out
The Commercial Appeal | Submitted by: Poots Brownhole
"A Memphis police officer shot one of the department's dogs Thursday after it attacked officers during a search for burglars in South Memphis. A police dog named Bryan bit three officers outside a business at 810 S. Walnut after police responded to a burglar alarm about 4:10 a.m., said Officer LaTanya Able, department spokesman."

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Hackers and the Al-Jazeera DDOS attack
2600 | Submitted by: JJ
"By making the leap that hackers were responsible for the massive attack which started Tuesday morning, hackers are mistakenly viewed as some kind of cybersoldier dedicated to carrying out American military policy." "This isn't the first time we've seen this kind of thing. When the American spy plane crashed in China a few years ago, we received quite a few pieces of mail from outraged people demanding that we do something about China by attacking them through the net. We looked at the IP addresses for each of the pieces of email we received and every last one of them went back to various .mil addresses." Hackers wouldn't take down a news site of any kind, Arab or not. This was a fanatic's doing, governmental retaliation, or a military operation."

Read article... and This article...

Shit Happens
Hartford Courant | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"A truck loaded with chicken manure spilled part of its load along a stretch of Route 316 Wednesday afternoon, forcing the closure of one lane of the narrow rural road during the cleanup... The driver apparently hit a bump in the road and the bolts holding the tailgate came loose, State Trooper Jeff Rhoades said as he directed traffic at the scene. Manure slid out the back, leaving a 2- to 3-inch thick trail of potent fertilizer for about one-tenth of a mile."

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Godspeed, terrorists
Pitchfork Media | Submitted by: decepticon jon
"Renowned Canadian nontet Godspeed You! Black Emperor were held for questioning as possible terrorists at an Oklahoma gas station on Saturday, while driving from a concert they'd played at Fort Worth, TX's Ridglea Theatre to a show to be held the following Monday at the Blue Note in Columbia, MO... Some members of the band were held for questioning for roughly three hours before finally being released as innocents." Of course, this story is likely a plant.

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The wireless in Iraq's future
BBC | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
A US congressman with a wireless telecomm in his district has drafted legislation that would give precedence to the US wireless standard in the postwar "rebuilding" of Iraq, even though 70% of the world uses the European standard. Will Iraq also be on the Imperial system of measurements rather than metric?

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Wannabe EMT
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Bammer
"Daniel M. Schultz, 27, of Cudahy, faces seven years in prison if convicted of two counts of falsely acting as a public official... Schultz is accused of approaching emergency workers at an accident Feb. 3, identifying himself as an EMT and offering his help, according to a criminal complaint filed Thursday."

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Coalition of the Wishful Thinking
Wire Services | Submitted by: MarineInsertion
"The United States has mistakenly named Slovenia as a partner in its war against Iraq, and even offered it a [$7.5M] share of the money budgeted for the conflict... "When we asked for an explanation, the State Department told us we were named in the document by mistake as we are not a member of the coalition against Iraq."

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