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March 22, 2003

Nat'l Guard thwarting threat of Decepticon attack
WKYC | Submitted by: Lycanthrope
"A member of Ohio's 5694th National Guard Unit in Mansfield legally changed his name to a Transformers toy. Optimus Prime is heading out to the Middle East with his guard unit on Wednesday to provide fire protection for airfields under combat." It is men like these, America, that are the true heroes.

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Guillotine me twice, shame on me...
Sun | Submitted by: MANG IN VEGAS
"Keith Sanderson lost the end of his thumb in a guillotine at work — then chopped off a finger showing his boss how he did it... His supervisor had run over and asked what happened when the 25-year-old workman screamed as the automated machine sliced through his thumb."

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Teen kills parents, dials 911 and waits
Washington Post | Submitted by: Boat6float
just killed both of my parents... Yeah, I'm at 10504 Adel Road. You've got to get over here... I just shot my parents... I just blew 'em away with a shotgun. A 12-gauge shotgun... Yeah, this is Josh Cooke again... I just called a few minutes ago and nobody's here yet. I just killed both of my parents."

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Will water shortage be the next oil shortage?
Wire Services | Submitted by: Mayhem303
"Participants at the World Water Forum in the western Japanese city of Kyoto said that water is a far more important commodity than the oil some say is behind the U.S. war in Iraq, and has an equally deadly potential as a source of conflict... By 2050, water shortages brought on by booming populations, pollution and global warming, will affect between two billion and seven billion people around the world out of a projected population then of about 9.3 billion."

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N.Y. boy wins rotten sneaker contest
Wire Services | Submitted by: Razor
"A New York boy walked away with the top prize of a $500 savings bond on Tuesday in the annual rotten sneaker contest... But ten-year-old Jeffry Soto says he's not taking full credit for the sneakers, which stumped a judge in the "heels" category because they didn't have any heels left." A serviceman near Iraq, normally disqualified on age, was given an honorable mention for his fishy submarine shoes.

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Kenya bans cruisy tourism
East African Standard | Submitted by: hollywoodrb
"Declaring that "It's against all religions and traditions to allow these people into the country," the Council of Imams and Preachers of Kenya has mounted a successful campaign to keep a cruise ship carrying gays from docking in that country."

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Gore joins Apple
Apple | Submitted by: FaceInTheSea
"Al brings an incredible wealth of knowledge and wisdom to Apple from having helped run the largest organization in the world—the United States government, as a Congressman, Senator and our 45th Vice President. Al is also an avid Mac user and does his own video editing in Final Cut Pro," said Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO. "Al is going to be a terrific Director and we’re excited and honored that he has chosen Apple as his first private sector board to serve on."

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Pissport Denied
News Corporation | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A Melbourne man is going nowhere with his adopted name, Prime Minister John Piss The Family Court and Legal Aid, a federal magistrate ruled today. The 57-year-old, from suburban Seaford, already uses the name on his driver's licence and on banking and medical records."

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Hyundai gave North Korea $500M bribe for weapons
Christian Science Monitor | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"This week, President Roh Moo-hyun gave a reluctant nod for a special counsel to investigate whether former President Kim Dae Jung approved illegal transfers of $500 million or more to a shadowy North Korean bank account, known to be controlled by North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, to buy his participation in a historic June 2000 summit between the North and South."

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But will there be blowjobs by fatties on the show?
CNN | Submitted by: Rockpile
"Monica Lewinsky, whose [cocksucking oriented] affair with then-President Bill Clinton nearly cost him the Oval Office, will soon be hosting a reality show for the Fox network, Daily Variety reported in its Thursday edition... The 29-year-old former White House intern has landed a job as host of the hidden identity dating show, Mr. Personality."

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Kuwaitis party like it's 1261
Wire Services | Submitted by: JamSandwich
This just helps us understand how far away this war really is: "A group of wealthy Kuwaitis celebrated what they hope will be Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's downfall by partying through the night at a farm on the Iraqi border. Over jam sandwiches and warm camel milk, they began a nightlong vigil from their luxury frontline lookout as the countdown to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq ticked closer."

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Woman falls into wood chipper
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
Yes, like Fargo: "A tree service worker died when she accidentally became caught in a wood chipper, police said. Her entire body passed through the machine. Roziland Jennifer Mowell, 24, of Lakeland, was working with a crew from Ashbranch Tree Service on Wednesday when she became caught in the chipper, police said. Mowell's husband, R. Bryan Mowell, owns the tree service company."

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Circuit City engaging in death spiral
The Street | Submitted by: First Post, please use that name you always wanted to
Proving that you do not get to be on the executive board of a major corporation by having any common sense, Circuit City decided to repeat the mistakes of many now defunct coorporations that went under in the early 90s: in this case, firing the top performers. Cutting the remaining Best and Brightest is rumored to come in June.

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This guy's Christmas card list must be HUGE
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A former Amtrak worker was sentenced Wednesday to 15 months in federal prison for stealing more than $1 million in postage stamps from trains that stopped at Union Station. Elpidio De La Cruz, 43, of El Segundo, was sentenced Monday for his role in a theft ring that worked out of the Union Station Amtrak yard, according to the U.S. Attorney's Office. In addition to the prison term, U.S. District Judge Robert M. Takasugi ordered De La Cruz to pay $895,920 in restitution to the U.S. Postal Service, prosecutors said." Hasn't he suffered enough, living in El Segundo?

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Fun with West Nile Virus
Wire Services | Submitted by: Incubus
"A package labeled as containing the West Nile virus exploded at a Federal Express facility, forcing the evacuation of about 50 workers. The package contained brain and kidney matter of a bird that had tested positive for the virus, said Jay Carey, spokesman for the Ohio Department of Health. The department was sending the material to a researcher at the University of Texas."

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San Francisco protesters stage a Vomit-In
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Audra
Vomit for peace: "In a unique form of opposition, some protesters at the Federal Building staged a "vomit in,'' by heaving on the sidewalks and plaza areas in the back and front of the building to show that the war in Iraq made them sick, according to a spokesman."

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Hightech industry fires Americans, hires Indians
NewsMax | Submitted by: Razor
Not exactly anything out of the ordinary, but: "Computer giant Sun Microsystems Inc. fired thousands of American high-tech workers to replace them with younger, lower-paid engineers from India, a lawsuit charges. The legal action will step up the conflict between technology companies and American engineers over the H-1B visa program, which lets companies "temporarily" bring foreign workers into the United States ... whether they are needed or not."

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Man falls from Golden Gate bridge TWICE, dies
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Terry the Terror Clam
"In March 1988, Alarab fell while trying to get into a garbage can suspended from the bridge in which he planned to spend a week in protest of the way society treats the elderly and handicapped... Officials would not release Alarab's note from Wednesday or talk about it in detail, but according to a coroner's office statement he was "reportedly expressing his personal opposition to the impending war with Iraq."

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