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March 21, 2003

Baton-twirling coach charged with sodomy
Times Herald-Record | Submitted by: Sukebe Panda!
"The 63 year old coach of a local, award-winning baton-twirling club was arrested Monday evening on charges he had sexual contact with a teenage girl on his squad, police said. During an interview with city detectives, Fred G. Long of Seward Avenue confessed to performing oral sex on a 16 year old during the summer of 1998, Lt. Patrick Freeman said yesterday." Is that not one of the best headlines, ever?

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Town without pity
Car and Driver | Submitted by: VillageIdiot33
Story of an American nothing-town speed-trap: "The real money comes from violations that elsewhere would likely merit a warning at mostóno front license plate ($55), driving with headsets ($90), with a cracked windshield ($55), with a chipped taillight ($55), without a rearview mirror ($55), with tinted windows ($105), with dirt or anything obscuring a license plate ($55),with loud mufflers ($55), driving too slowly ($90), backing up improperly ($90), stopping past the stop line ($90), no backup lights ($55), a dim bulb over the license plate ($55), making a U-turn ($90), tailgating ($90)..."

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Missing copy of Bill Of Rights found
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: f00f
"The faded document, fading sepia-colored ink on a poster-board sized piece of parchment, was displayed publicly for the first time in 138 years at noon today at a news conference at FBI headquarters in Center City by still-awed federal law enforcement officials, Gov. Rendell and officials of the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia." More or less, it's booty from the Civil War, heisted from North Carolina by a Union soldier. The sudden emergence of a Bill of Rights is bad news for John Ashcroft.

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Are students using the Iraq crisis to skip class?
Gazette | Submitted by: Rufferto
"Forty students at a Montreal North high school have been suspended for two days after they played hooky yesterday to protest against war in Iraq. High School parent Jackie Frat, who has two kids at (the high school), said the "demonstrators" were probably more intent on enjoying the balmy weather than denouncing George W. Bush. "We had a demonstration (in Montreal) on Saturday. Why didn't they do this during their time? Why did they take school time?" she asked. Yes, why indeed?

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Your cell phone number no longer private
Wire Services | Submitted by: D. Rango
"Cellular providers are getting close to making wireless numbers available to 411 callers. The centralized database of wireless numbers would be off limits to telemarketers, and consumers would be able to choose whether to have their numbers listed or unlisted." Yea, right. Since when did the phone companies stop selling databases to telemarketers? And since when did cell-phone users want their numbers available to anyone? And why should I pay to unlist my formerly private cell-phone number?

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Insight into a virus writer's mind
Wire Services | Submitted by: Rufferto
"Male. Obsessed with computers. Lacking a girlfriend. Aged 14 to 34. Capable of sowing chaos worldwide. That is the profile of the average computer-virus writer, an anti-virus expert said on Tuesday." Good thing you told us! We wer so sure they were all outgoing, computer illiterate grandmothers.

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We're not fat we're just big-mutated
Washington Post | Submitted by: GnoName
Fat family in study that claims a "weak gene" is responsible for binge-eating makes themselves matching t-shirts blaming genetics for their overeating: "The joint Swiss-German-American study makes the strongest case yet that genetic mistakes can cause an eating disorder, researchers say. Traditionally, eating behavior has been viewed as complex and cultural in its causes."

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Sadaam shreds people into fishfood
Times | Submitted by: chumley
"There was a machine designed for shredding plastic. Men were dropped into it and we were again made to watch. Sometimes they went in head first and died quickly. Sometimes they went in feet first and died screaming. It was horrible. I saw 30 people die like this. Their remains would be placed in plastic bags and we were told they would be used as fish food... on one occasion, I saw Qusay [President Saddam Husseinís youngest son] personally supervise these murders." A pro-war article.

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Any time is a good time for sex
Brownsville Herald | Submitted by: Dentler
"A couple charged with killing their three children allegedly choked and decapitated two daughters, washed the bloody mess ó had sex ó then slaughtered their 1-year-old son, police investigators said in court Tuesday... According to police testimony, Camacho told investigators that the children were killed so they would stop suffering and that Rubio said he was a male prostitute."

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Be Like Mike
Orange Today | Submitted by: Suitts
Not even sure what to think about this: "A Belgian man is about to have the last of nine operations which he hopes will make him look like Michael Jackson. Emmanuel De Reyghere, 30, will have his nose reconstructed to make it look just like Jackson's. Mr De Reyghere, from Zuienkerke, said: "It's the last surgery I need. The doctor will break my nose and rasp it to get a bone structure."

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A Letter to George W. Bush on the eve of war
AlterNet | Submitted by: anonymous
Letter to Bush from Michael Moore: "Of the 535 members of Congress, only one (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let's see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort."

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Attacked teacher urged not to press charges
Mobile-Register | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"Schaumburt also said Police Chief Terry Sanders expressed concerns of a racial backlash if she pursued criminal charges and suggested that the youths' parents might sue her. Schaumburt is white and she said the students who attacked her are black... "They're pressing me not to press charges," she said. "It was nicely put to me that it would not be in the best interests of the school."

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Shark repellent good for shit
News Corporation | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A great white shark that killed a professional scallop diver may have watched another diver for an hour before the fatal attack, a coroner's inquest was told yesterday... The shark was likely to have been in such a frenzy that it ignored the diver's shark repellent device, State Coroner Wayne Chivell heard." It is also postulated that the device was fitted or used improperly.

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Stinky potato shuts down hospital emergency room
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Razor
"Many official eyes were trained on a stained white envelope in the basement of the downtown Minneapolis post office. It looked suspicious and emitted a foul odor. A postal worker who handled it had complained of a headache and a burning sensation when he stopped at United Hospital in Fridley on the way home Tuesday after his night shift"

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French's mustard denies Frenchness
Washington Times | Submitted by: Razor
The company that makes French's mustard wants Americans to know the spicy condiment isn't French. It's British, but that's beside the point. eckitt Benckiser PLC, the British behemoth that manufactures Lysol, Spray 'n Wash and French's mustard, issued a press release yesterday through a New Jersey subsidiary to remind reporters of the condiment's American seeds."

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IRS fires agents for... tax evasion
NewsMax | Submitted by: Razor
"The Internal Revenue Service has fired over 70 employees in the last five years for what the Wall Street Journal describes as "misconduct under a provision of the 1998 IRS reform law." Specifically section 1203 of that act."

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Guy hugs chick, then is beaten into a coma
Joplin Globe | Submitted by: UglySupermodel
"She said the Lopez brothers and two girls came to the Barbre home after her brother called one of the girls and invited her over. John Barbre hugged the girl as he said hello. Armando Lopez got angry, Sally Barbre said... "John is a very huggy, loving person," Sally Barbre said. "John hugged one of the girls, and that's when Armando freaked out. He hugged the girl and they got jealous."

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