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March 19, 2003

Twenty four seven guard for Opera House
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: anonymous
The perfect protest... deface a national landmark... Way to go: "The Opera House sails will be guarded 24 hours a day, seven days a week after two protesters climbed to the top of one and painted "No War" before being arrested yesterday. The incident is an embarrassment after security was upgraded at the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge last November because of the growing risk of terrorist attack."

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Woman thrown from vehicles TWICE, dies
San Diego Union-Tribune | Submitted by: anonymous
Passenger in a car crash is ejected and injured. An off-duty EMT puts her in his car to drive her to get medical treatment. He crashes and she is ejected from his car and dies. "This is by far one of the strangest, oddest accidents I've had," said Chad Patton, resident California Highway Patrol officer for the Borrego Springs area."

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Tobacco farmer wants to blow things up good
Washington Post | Submitted by: Monkeynavigated
"The North Carolina tobacco farmer who drove a tractor into a pond on the Mall maintained his standoff with law enforcement officials overnight and through this morning, creating traffic problems and prompting the federal government to close several buildings due to concerns about public safety... Authorities have expressed concerns that the man in the tractor may have explosives."

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Coconuts massacre bus passengers
Wire Services | Submitted by: Phatlor
"At least 15 people have died after a crash between a truck loaded with coconuts and a packed bus in Brazil... Most of the deaths and injuries were caused by coconuts that flew out of the truck, crashed through the windows of the bus and hit passengers, said Mauro Silveira, a spokesman for the Brazilian Highway Police." How many more coconuts must die?

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Boyfriends in court over unauthorized dissection
Queensland Courier-Mail | Submitted by: Hans Krule
A Brisbane forensic technician allegedly smuggled his boyfriend into the University of Queensland anatomy lab after hours, where they removed a lung from a female corpse... The technician then allegedly allowed his boyfriend to photograph its dissection... Assistant Commissioner of State Crime Operations, Peter Swindells, said the boyfriend would face the Brisbane Magistrate's Court." What are two gay guys doing dissecting a female

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Tennessee: No porn in moving vehicles
Kansas City Star | Submitted by: Tulsawop
When Porn is outlawed... Only Outlaws will watch Porn: "The state Senate has voted unanimously to ban X-rated videos from cars and other vehicles if the television screens can be seen from the street... But the measure wouldn't outlaw all mobile red light districts. Porn fans could still watch sex tapes if their car windows are tinted or covered by shades."

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Man crushed to death by police station gates
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"A man was crushed to death by police station gates in Northern Ireland after a chase ended in tragedy, it emerged today... Ciaran Connolly, 28, suffered head and upper body injuries after he was struck by the automatic barriers at the front of the complex in Strabane, Co Tyrone."

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Delaware becomes the 7-11 for abortions
Wilmington News-Journal | Submitted by: Razor
"Doctors performing abortions in Delaware may continue to ignore a state law requiring them to observe a 24-hour waiting period before each procedure under a federal judge's ruling that the current version of the law is unconstitutional... Gartner argued at a Feb. 11 court hearing in Wilmington that Delaware's law lacked an exception to the waiting period for women whose health is harmed by a complicated pregnancy."

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Ex-mayor forced 10-year-old to administer hummer
Wire Services | Submitted by: Tim Howard
Score one more the continuing moral decay of society. "A 12-year-old girl, her hair pulled back in braids, testified Tuesday that she was forced to perform oral sex on the former mayor of Waterbury inside city hall and other places. The girl, who was 10 years old at the time of the alleged abuse, said her prostitute aunt took her and her then-8-year-old cousin, the prostitute's daughter, to Mayor Philip Giordano where they performed sex acts and let him fondle them." Go mayor!

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Thanks, Uncle Sam! You're the greatest!
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Rockpile
"It was a setback for organizations representing military families, which have fought for years for the provision. It would have eliminated all taxes on a $6,000 special payment the military makes to the survivors of a service member killed in combat. Currently, $3,000 of that amount, called a death gratuity by some, is tax-free."

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Saddam haunts corridors of Sacramento
Wire Services | Submitted by: Tank's Grrl
"As the United States prepares to go to war with Iraq, a man who looks just like Saddam Hussein proudly wanders the halls of California's state capitol. Jaded state legislators don't even bat an eye when he appears to drop by their offices... Haleva dismissed concerns about his personal safety. "During the first Gulf War, I took a friend's advice and shaved off my mustache. But life's too short -- you can't live in fear."

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Mr. Yuk failing badly: 30 deaths, 1M poisonings
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"They see the color. They look and see and, 'Oh, I drink this one. It's a pretty blue liquid in a plastic jug,' and so when they see glass cleaner, it's the same color," said Suzanne Firestone, with the Penn State Poison Center. Firestone said toddlers learn things visually, and for that reason alone, parents should keep poisons and medicines out of sight. "One big thing with medicines is don't show children where you keep it. If they don't know where it is, they can't find it," Firestone said."

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Dick Smothers' son is smothering dicks
CNN | Submitted by: Spewey
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but the eldest son of veteran humorist Dick Smothers of the Smothers Brothers says his life's ambition is to become "the Orson Welles of porn." Since then, he said, he has done sexual performances in three other films and dialogue-only roles in three others." No wonder Mom always liked Dick best.

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Mafia Lessons for American mobsters
Zoomata | Submitted by: Boat6float
"Members of the Mafia in America were sent across the pond to perfect the criminal trade from pros in Sicily, according to a turncoat don. . . .One of the hardest lessons of an effective criminal organization to teach the Americans? To shut up. Giuffé said the code of silence, or omertą, was alien to the garrulous Americans: 'They just couldn't stay quiet.'"

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Combat $4.66 pay for poo removal
News Corporation | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Maintenance workers at Taronga Zoo will keep their so-called poo allowance after the NSW Industrial Relations Commission agreed to uphold bonuses for doing dirty work... Last July, zoo management stopped paying a daily bonus of $4.66 to workers who had to handle animal faeces, arguing the standing agreement related only to human excrement." Wait, they're finding human feces in animal cages?

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It was just a guy who was sleeping in a dryer
WNBC-TV 4 New York | Submitted by: sickrobot
"The man, whose name was not made public, told the sergeant he had been at a nearby pub the night before and was walking home when he stopped at the laundry to warm up. Apparently the big dryer looked inviting and he climbed in and nodded off. No charges were filed and the man was allowed to walk the rest of the way home. "It was just a guy who was sleeping in a dryer."

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Free Chinese kidneys, for a price
CanWest News Service | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"It's a package price which includes the medical procedures, the actual surgery fees, the hospital fees, the drugs ... and room and board and transportation. My fee is included in that," said Mr. Lam, who refused to be more specific... Mr. Lam said the transplants are performed in modern hospitals in unspecified Chinese cities. He says the organs are harvested from accident victims." Accident victims is of course Chinese code for freshly executed prisoners.

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Lions given offers they cannot refuse
Canadian Press | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"Lions are fed the horse heads because they have the right balance of bone and meat, said zoo spokesman Glen Holland, who insisted that feeding times and menus would not be changed to shield the public from such sights. "It is on television. It happens naturally and if you go on safari that is what you see except it is a whole animal. This is just a head," Holland said Wednesday. "Should we be shielding people from reality?" Lions hunting horses on the Seringeti is reality?

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Murderer faces the music be-grunge-ingly
Court TV | Submitted by: Tim Howard
"A Florida man charged in the 1993 strangling of a rising grunge-rock star will not fight extradition to Washington state, his attorney said Monday. Mia Zapata, the 27-year-old lead singer of The Gits, was found beaten, raped and strangled on a Seattle street July 7, 1993. She was little-known nationally but popular locally at the height of Seattle's grunge-rock scene in the early '90s. Big-name bands like Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Soundgarden raised $70,000 to hire a private investigator, but the funds eventually dried up."

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Give me your tired, your poor, your Arab
Washington Post | Submitted by: anonymous
Come to America, land of the, er, free...well...sort of... "Civil-rights groups and immigration advocacy organizations are protesting one element in the government's security procedures announced yesterday in anticipation of war in Iraq--a decision to jail asylum seekers from dozens of mostly Muslim nations while officials check out their claims of persecution in their home countries."

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Allstate: Big Brother & the "Good Hands" people
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: Tim Howard
No assurance in insurance. "Allstate Insurance Co. agreed to pay a $1 million fine as part of a settlement with the state Department of Motor Vehicles... State officials said employees of the Illinois-based insurance company continuously and improperly looked up driver's license and vehicle registration records, including those of themselves, friends, relatives and others. Audits of seven Allstate offices in California turned up numerous violations, including using nonexistent investigative file numbers to request information..."

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Cricket star flees treason charge
Zimbabwe News | Submitted by: f00f
"Their real purpose for being in the sleepy, coastal town was more sinister than watching their country's emotionally ravaged cricket team bow out of the World Cup. Olonga has received numerous threats during the last month but this one was different. He had been told the officers intended to "escort him home", where a likely charge of treason awaited. The punishment for treason in Zimbabwe is death."

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Will Russian nukes again re-target U.S.?
Washington Post | Submitted by: anonymous
"The United States has flaunted international law and tried to strong-arm countries such as Russia that objected to its policy on Iraq... the accord might be shelved indefinitely [when] the United States invades Iraq, because an attack would usher in "the law of the jungle" in international relations."

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Stupid woman attacked at petting zoo
WOKR-TV 13 Rochester | Submitted by: Captain Prozac
"Menke said she and her daughter had their hands in the water, hoping to pet a small approaching shark that a woman monitoring the tank said was friendly. That's when another passing shark whipped around and bit her hand. "If that thing had bitten my baby, I'd still be taking that place apart," Menke said." Um, lady? You had your hand in a SHARK TANK!

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