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March 10, 2003

Pantsless police accused of witchcraft
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Eris Kaos
"Claims that the Zambian police removed their underpants in order to search more effectively for a fugitive are the latest bizarre revelation in a row about the role of witchcraft in the capture of Zambia's most wanted man... But police said that, apart from the lack of underpants and their urination on traditional herbs found at Kalumba's hideaway, it was a conventional operation."

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Don't bother with solar power
San Jose Mercury | Submitted by: Soylent
They'll just tax you for it: "A California Public Utilities Commission proposal would slap a charge on consumers who start generating their own power. The reason: to cover the high costs of electricity the state bought for utility customers during the energy crisis two years ago... Though aimed at big businesses that fire up their own generators to escape high utility rates, the proposal also affects those who turn to solar power."

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Bogus degree sites shut down
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"The operation, which employed 30 staff in Romania, targeted millions of people every day with circular e-mails... Investigator Tony Allen said: "It was a difficult operation to crack. The problem was that the people sending out the e-mails weren't conning anyone... "Those people who bought the degrees knew exactly what they were doing. The complaints we received were actually from colleagues of those who got jobs by lying."

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Meet England's greatest streaker
ESPN | Submitted by: Kreepy Monster
"The letter arrives in Mark Roberts' mailbox each time any English soccer club plays abroad. Sent by the football banning order authority, its directives are clear: On a designated date, surrender your passport at a local police station. On game day, sign in at the station as proof that you're in the country and not at the game. When the team returns, you may pick up your passport and resume normal life."

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Man is fake serial heimlich victim
Wire Services | Submitted by: GeppGirl
Man with bald spot fakes women into a reacharound: "It dawned on people that he was faking it after the newspaper ran a story earlier this week about a woman in a restaurant rescuing an anonymous choking man. The paper started getting calls from women saying they, too, had had encounters with a man who matched the description."

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Headmaster jailed for forging pupils test paper results
London Telegraph | Submitted by: UncleGum
"A headmaster was jailed for three months yesterday for forging answers on pupils' test papers because "he wanted to give the children the best start he could"... Claiming that he was under pressure to produce good results for the Government's league tables and without the funds or staff to achieve them, Alan Mercer, 46, admitted 14 sample counts of forgery at two Kent schools and asked for 140 other counts to be considered."

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Saddam ordering American, British uniforms
Gulf News Dubai | Submitted by: Boat6float
"Iraqi President Saddam Hussain has ordered military uniforms "identical down to the last detail" to those worn by U.S. and British troops so Iraqi paramilitary soldiers can commit atrocities against their own people while disguised as coalition forces... The accusation follows a series of allegations of planned Iraqi tactics made privately to journalists in recent days by U.S. officials on condition of anonymity, apparently in anticipation of Iraqi charges of American acts of brutality against civilians."

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Bush demands Potemkin audience
Mirror | Submitted by: KKKarl Rove
"George Bush pulled out of a speech to the European Parliament when MEPs wouldn't guarantee a standing ovation... Senior White House officials said the President would only go to Strasbourg to talk about Iraq if he had a stage-managed welcome. A source close to negotiations said last night: "President Bush agreed to a speech but insisted he get a standing ovation like at the State of the Union address. "His people also insisted there were no protests, or heckling."

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When ostriches fancy humans
Times | Submitted by: Hans Krule
Comming soon to the Jerry Springer show: "We found the females would often drop to their knees in mating position when humans were at the pen fence. Some male birds would try to take advantage of that, but their efforts were often clumsy and inept... The more the ostriches were interested in humans, the more hopeless they were at sex with other ostriches."

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Stop me before I bet again!
New York Post | Submitted by: wingnut
"Problem gamblers can now ask the state's racetracks and OTB parlors to stop them before they bet again.An emergency regulation enacted by the state Racing and Wagering Board establishes a procedure for bettors to have themselves voluntarily blocked from entering race tracks, simulcast theaters and Off-Track Betting parlors... An itchy gambler wanting to get off the list will have to go through a seven-day waiting period." Yup, that should work.

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Blacks invincible to junk food
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"While a lot of fast food is clearly bad for white people, it seems to make no difference at all for blacks... The reason for this is unclear, but the researchers said the data suggest that black people's diets are often just as unhealthy at home as they are at the drive-through window. So a lot of fast food doesn't make matters any worse than they already are."

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Will my bum melt in this?
The Age | Submitted by: Eris Kaos
"At the Fuji Spinning Company in Japan, scientists have spent four years working on pants impregnated with seaweed extract and caffeine which can make people thinner. According to the company, half the participants in a trial claimed to have lost a few millimetres. The other half died laughing."

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Russian army crowns Miss Shooting Range
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
Oh, those beauty-loving Russians. Competence clearly takes a backseat even in the post-Soviet military: "The contestants who got to Moscow did so because they were the best in various categories: such as baking pancakes, singing, dancing and writing about the romance of their jobs... 'According to the rules, the distance between the floor and skirt hems should be no more than 40cm. But, in reality, our skirts are shorter because that way it looks more beautiful,' she added." Here she comes, Miss Epaulettes...

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Auto-darwin pending in Wisconsin
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: f00f
"More than a dozen live explosive devices and a cache of ingredients for making more were discovered Friday at his apartment and in a nearby garage after the Thursday evening explosion, Hartford Police Chief Thomas Jones said... Joel Kennedy was sitting at his kitchen table grinding gunpowder when the blast occurred about 6:15 p.m., said Jill Stevens, manager of Evergreen Terrace apartments."

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Canada flash flood freeze
Disaster News | Submitted by: Boat6float
"What you will see is cars, trucks and houses embedded in a sea of ice," said Jim Ferguson, the Salvation Army's territorial disaster... The flooding occurred when an ice-flow clogged up three rivers near the small town of 1,200." Aritlce goes on to tell of the people who left, will have to wait until a thaw to go back home.

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Speed burns: advice to meth lab workers
The Commercial Appeal | Submitted by: Poots Brownhole
"As the number of burn victims from methamphetamine lab explosions and fires rises, doctors at burn units say they've had to take a new approach to treating patients... 'If you were making meth and you got this in your eyes you could go blind, so you have to come clean with me,"' Tuck said. "If they tell us and they're honest with us, then we can help them, but in two days the damage is irreversible."

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Man gives milk to snake, on flight
News Corporation | Submitted by: Mayhem303
"A passenger was offloaded after he tried to feed milk to his pet snake on a flight in southern India, a report said... Hajmi Chanda of Delhi had boarded the flight from the western tourist state of Goa, with his pet animal in his hand baggage."

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Prison guard confesses to stolen Dali
News Corporation | Submitted by: Mayhem303
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling prisoners (who noticed the switcheroo): "A New York City prison guard has confessed to stealing an original ink and pencil sketch by Salvador Dali from a prison and replacing it with a copy, local media reported... The work was last appraised in 1985 at $US175,000."

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Hybrid tilt-rotor aircraft tested
Wire Services | Submitted by: Mayhem303
"A hybrid aircraft that is part helicopter, part airplane and has the potential to change civil aviation took its first flight on Friday... The BA 609 has two Pratt & Whitney turboprop engines and can hold six to nine passengers, depending on its configuration. The main selling point of the aircraft is that it does not need a runway on either end of the flight."

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Drink to the Aggies till we wobble in our shoes
CNN | Submitted by: mike
"Could the New Mexico State University fight song be the most politically incorrect in the country? Some alumni say so, and are lobbying for a change... The song includes the line: "And when we win this game we'll buy a keg of booze and drink it to the Aggies 'til we wobble in our shoes." College kids drink? Why is this news?

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Cheney's Halliburton wins Iraq-War oilfield contract
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Mayhem303
"A company tied to Vice President Dick Cheney has won a Pentagon contract for advice on rebuilding Iraq's oil fields after a possible war... The contract was disclosed in the last paragraph of a Defense Department statement on preparations for Saddam Hussein's possible destruction of Iraq's oil fields in the event of a U.S.-led invasion." Cheney was CEO of Halliburton.

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