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February 25, 2003

Nike: The New Exxon
Wire Services | Submitted by: Mr. Ramon
"Thousands of pairs of Nike basketball shoes are washing up on beaches from Washington state to Alaska after spilling from a container ship in Northern California. There's just one hitch to finding a free pair. 'Nike forgot to tie the laces, so you have to find mates,' said Dr. Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an oceanographer who tracks sneakers, toys and other flotsam across the sea. 'The effort's worth it 'cause these Nikes have only been adrift a few months. All 33,000 are wearable!'"

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Spray-paint can fire burns woman
Bergen Record | Submitted by: tibster
Dar win! Dar Win: "A borough woman suffered second- and third-degree burns Monday when fire broke out while she tried to open a spray-paint canister with an electric can-opener, authorities said... Greiner said it was unclear if the fire was caused by a short in the can-opener or as a result of the appliance coming in contact with the flammable paint."

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More trouble in River City
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: buffaloBill
"For 18 years, Phillip Barnes was considered more than competent as a police officer...Barnes had been a Marine sergeant for 10 years and served in Desert Storm. He obtained a master's degree in social work. When Barnes took the sergeant's exam in 1998 , he scored 18th among 150 officers...At the time, he dressed for duty as a man but off-duty as a woman, with long hair, nails and makeup." Of course, will all of this happening in Cincinnati, you can guess what happens after the sex-change operation. While I support Officer Barnes and admire her courage, I wonder what delusional thought made her think she could get away with it in Cincinnati, of all places.

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Bikini dancing nights resulted in complaints
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: buffaloBill
"Illusions Night Club, inside the Knights Inn motel, held shows Jan. 31 with male and female dancers in bikini bathing suits, according to West Chester police and the club's owner." The article goes on to describe how the motel is only a mile from the house of Phil Burress, head of Cincinnati's decency Gestapo. But there is a problem: "While the acts do not violate West Chester's zoning code, officials are taking steps to tighten that code to regulate "semi-nude" cabarets... However, it's unclear how dancers in bikinis could be classified as semi-nude even if the code is changed." I can't wait to see the busts (if you'll pardon the expression) when the locak water park opens this summer with all of its indecent, bikini-clad patrons. From the repeated stories we encounter about this area, it is very clear that Cincinnati is one of the most repressed places in America.

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Did KGB's Beria avert WWIII by killing Stalin?
BBC | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"What happened next was out of the ordinary for a man as obsessed with security as Stalin. He gave an order for his guards to retire for the night - he was not to be disturbed... This change to Stalin's normal behaviour intrigued Russian historian Edvard Radzinski, and a few years ago he tracked down one of the guards on duty that night, Pyotr Lozgachev."

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Suicide with a saucepan
Sun | Submitted by: Eris Kaos
Coroner John Taylor said: "Mr Bishop had stress about the children that lived in his street. That and other matters got on top of him." He was so determined to die that he forced the dagger home with the pan, an inquest heard." Verdict: Suicide. By saucepan.

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The Rat and the Doormat
Sun | Submitted by: Eris Kaos
"Randy Gaven Dale has bedded more than 100 women, with his wifeís permission. "I felt like a dog that had been let off the leash. I had carte blanche to do what I liked, so I did. "Iíd set myself challenges. One night would be Blonde Night, another Black Night. I even once had an Ugly Night, just for the hell of it." He even admits using their baby boy to meet women. He says: "Iíll just say whatever it takes to get them into bed. That is the challenge. I never want to sleep with them a second time. All the excitement of the chase is gone. "Youíve conquered, so why bother going back?" Oh, and he hasn't held a job in years; what a prize!

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Jihadi goes to jail
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"One tape, Jihad, contained the words: "So you go to India and if you see a Hindu walking down the road you are allowed to kill him and take his money, is that clear?" He also said it is permissible to use chemical weapons to kill unbelievers. In a tape called Rules of Jihad, thought to have been made before 11 September, Al-Faisal told his audience: "You have to learn how to shoot. You have to learn how to fly planes, drive tanks and you have to learn how to load your guns and to use missiles."

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Gator eats granny's arm
Wire Services | Submitted by: D. Rango
"A 70 year old woman was in fair condition Monday after an alligator ripped off part of her arm as she trimmed brush outside her condo... A deputy shot and killed the alligator."

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Kid's stellar porno career forever ruined
News Corporation | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"In what is claimed to be a first in medical history, a group of doctors has transplanted a penis from a child born with two to another born without one. The penis was taken from a one-year-old child from Shantipur in Bengal's Nadia district. The donor baby had been born with two external male genitals with normal growth and scrota but no rectum." We do not believe this story, at all.

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More evidence that the future will suck
News Corporation | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"Scientists are developing an artificial tree which can perform the function of living trees better than the real thing, and potentially reduce greenhouse gasses by millions of tonnes a year... "It looks more like a goal post with Venetian blinds," said Columbia University physicist, Dr Klaus Lackner, who unveiled it at a scientific conference."

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Domestic left and right wing radicals still a threat
Seattle Times | Submitted by: anonymous
"Terrorism experts say the arrest of a retired Washington Army National Guard intelligence officer and his ex-wife in Spokane last week on accusations that they illegally possessed secret military documents and sold them to the radical right serves as a stark reminder that the threat of terrorism in the U.S. does not come only from al-Qaida, Iraq or North Korea."

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The secret life of Saudi Grave diggers
Arab News | Submitted by: Iskra
"The custom is for grave diggers to check a grave about two years after burial. If the body has not decayed, it is covered and left. If it has decayed, the bones are then moved to another place. This frees the grave for reuse." also "What we do find in graves, however, are reptiles and scorpions. I have been stung many times by scorpions but, thank God, without being seriously harmed."

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Cop snowmobile safety patrol needs lessons
Windsor Star | Submitted by: anonymous
Two Ontario Provincial Police snowmobile safety patrol officers had cold hands and red faces after they drove their machines off the ice and into the waters of Lake St. Clair: "The officers, who were wearing insulated flotation suits, made it safely to shore."

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Thief swaps electric wheelchair with normal one
ic Berkshire | Submitted by: Orpyak
"A bizarre crime left an elderly disabled man distraught after thieves broke into his garage, stole his electric wheelchair and replaced it with an normal one... The 85 year old Bracknell man, who does not want to be named, discovered the heartless crooks had forced open the door to the property and taken the chair and his fishing equipment on Thursday morning."

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The GOP duct tape connection
Washington Post | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"Turns out that nearly half, 46 percent to be precise, of the duct tape sold in this country is manufactured by a company in Avon, Ohio. And the founder of that company, that would be Jack Kahl, gave how much to the Republican National Committee and other GOP committees in the 2000 election cycle? ... And Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge keeps pushing the product."

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Ashcroft not too busy to bust glass dealers
Guardian | Submitted by: motrinwoman
America has a real terrorism problem. Thousands of people have died. So it's no surprise that US Attorney General John Ashcroft is now targeting... bong manufacturers. "Federal authorities charged 55 people with trafficking in illegal drug paraphernalia in an investigation they said targeted the nation's biggest Internet distributors of marijuana bongs, crack pipes and other drug abuse gear."

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Fundies: Lose weight with Jesus
The Age | Submitted by: Hair Sphincter
Chins up, fat America! You can smite those kilos with the Lord! Halleluja! "Jesus has been called on to help Americans in their eternal struggle with obesity, with a diet dubbed "the healthiest ever devised by man". Drawing on the inspiration of loaves, fishes, water and wine, a Florida doctor has published a self-help manual, What Would Jesus Eat?, and a companion volume, the What Would Jesus Eat Cook Book... Don Colbert said he wrote the book after realising that many of the fattest Americans were also dedicated Christian fundamentalists."

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