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February 22, 2003

Family claims magic genie circumcized their baby
Wire Services | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
Your Penis Clip Is My Command: "A mother has claimed that a genie circumcised her 10-month-old son while she was cooking breakfast, the state news agency Antara reported Thursday. The report did not say whether the toddler, Riyan Abdullah, experienced any complications as a result of the operation..."

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Elderlies denied of their pubes
News Corporation | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A personal care attendant at a nursing home has been stood down after using a hair removal cream on the genitals of 14 residents... A spokesman for Southern Health, which runs the centre, said the residents in the ward involved were geriatrics who suffered from dementia and often suffered from incontinence."

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Eighty two frozen cats found in home's freezer
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Authorities discovered the frozen carcasses of more than 80 cats and found more than 100 others alive inside a home in New Mexico Wednesday. Police reportedly went to a 46 year old woman's home earlier this week after receiving reports of foul odors. Animal control officers removed about 70 cats from the home Tuesday and returned for the remaining cats Wednesday. They said that many of the animals had gooey eyes, runny noses and skin problems and were in need of veterinary care. Officers found 82 frozen cats inside a kitchen freezer, each inside a one-gallon freezer bag labeled with a brief description and date."

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More PETA bitching: Put inmates on vegan diet
PETA | Submitted by: Boat6float
Reasons for this stuid request: "Vegetarian food decreases aggressive behavior... A vegetarian program will cut your health care costs... And then our favorite: Vegetarian food may discourage some hopelessly meat-addicted convicts from reoffending." The letter goes on to suggest that perhaps some inmates are addicted to pesticide residues found in meat. They helpfully extend the offer of vegetarian cafeteria recipes.

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The next big plague?
New Scientist | Submitted by: Tobermory
Ah, something else to worry about: "Genetic tests show that the virus is the H5N1 strain that emerged in 1997, killing six out of 18 people it infected. But the new cases in a single family have raised fears that a more contagious mutation of the deadly virus may have surfaced. 'Obviously, we are very concerned about the situation,' says Yeoh Eng-kiong, Hong Kong's secretary for health, welfare and food. 'But there is no need to panic.'" Famous Last Words?

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Picture of Tyson's tattoo
ESPN | Submitted by: zuzu
"The truth is, the Mike Tyson reality series is our fault, pure and simple. Every time you hear someone confess that even though he or she is utterly revolted by the very idea of Tyson, he or she will still lay down another $49 for pay-per-view in hopes of watching him burst into a chemical fire -- well, there's your target audience right there. The pathetic life-as-recurring-nightmare junkie that made Jerry Springer, Jerry Springer."

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Who's more connected to terrorists, Iraq or....
Counterpunch | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Saddam may have connections to terrorists. So do two of our closest allies, and of course, ourselves. According to the New Zealand Herald, Al Qaeda received 1 million dollars from the royal family of Qatar, and according to Newsweek, money that reached the 9/11 hijackers was traced back to an account held by Princess Haifa al-Faisal, wife of the Saudi ambassador to Washington. What would be the response if the same connection were made with Iraq? Of course, we don't have to point out the most obvious hypocritical aspect of all: fifteen of the hijackers were Saudi, and not one was Iraqi."

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UK urgest under-16's to experiment with oral sex
Times | Submitted by: Rockpile
"A government-backed course is encouraging pupils under 16 to experiment with oral sex, as part of a drive to cut rates of teenage pregnancy... Family campaigners believe that the course, called A Pause, is having the reverse effect by exciting the sexual interest of children." Surely, these children were not interested in sex prior to existence of the class.

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Expert: sucking dick is safe
Village Voice | Submitted by: Yee Haw!
"Dr. Jeffrey Klausner, who heads the sexually transmitted disease prevention effort at the San Francisco Department of Public Health, bases his conclusion on a new study of 239 gay or bisexual men who reported no anal or vaginal sex and no injection-drug use in the prior six months. Ninety eight percent said they had given head without condoms. Twenty eight percent said they knew their partner was HIV positive, and of those, 39 percent said they had swallowed semen. None of the men became infected."

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Clearly insane woman freezes to death
Wire Services | Submitted by: SpecialK
"Even though Bills had stuffed plastic bags along the edges of the garage door, apparently to keep the draft out, it wasn't warm enough. Kane County Coroner Chuck West and the inquest jury ruled she died of exposure to the cold made more deadly by heart and liver problems and a blood alcohol level of .063"

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Seized SUVs disguised as patrol vehicles
Washington Times | Submitted by: UncleGum
"Federal agents in Tucson, Ariz., yesterday seized nearly a ton of marijuana concealed inside a pair of sport utility vehicles painted to perfectly match the marked U.S. Border Patrol vehicles that search for illegal aliens and illicit drugs along the U.S.-Mexico border."

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Are police Rev. Jesse's personal valet service?
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: palsgraf
"Sneed is told when Jackson got to E2 [the Chicago nightclub that Burned] at the crack of dawn Monday, he got out of his car and attempted to give his car keys to a high-ranking police officer and asked him to have the car parked... The high-ranking official looked over his shoulder to see if Jackson was talking to him, and turned and walked away. Let us pray."

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The New Oil Order
Corp Watch | Submitted by: Greasy Fingers
Only in the most direct sense is the Bush administrations Iraq policy directed against Saddam Hussein. In contrast to all the loud talk about terrorism, weapons of mass destruction, and human rights violations, very little is being said about oil. Indeed, a war against Iraq may well herald a major realignment of the Middle East power balance.

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Ferocious grouse leaves would-be Elvis all shook up
ic North Wales | Submitted by: Steve Harrison
"Elvis impersonator Larry Kewley had plenty to grouse about last night after being attacked by a usually timid bird in North Wales." This is a ho-hum report, one that perhaps isn't even true, and at most should merit three paragraphs. There is simply no explanation for the length of the article, which is a whopping four pages.

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Man's fingers packed in frozen peas
ic North Wales | Submitted by: anonymous
"Workmates packed the fingers of a colleague in frozen peas in a desperate attempt to save them after they were sliced off in a North Wales factory."

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Abortion wrangle over girl, age 9
Guardian | Submitted by: Marco Polo
In an amazing act of stupidity, the Nicaraguan government is debating whether a child of 9 can safely carry a feotus to term. The child, a victim of an alleged rape, does not want the baby anyway because she doesn't want to share her toys with another kid. Who can blame her?

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Transparent skirts all the rage in Japan. NOT
Sunday Mail | Submitted by: Crusty
"It's the latest Japanese fashion craze, and it's making incredulous men look twice at the young women daring enough to adopt it. But it isn't what it seems. The apparently see-through skirts, which are all the rage in Tokyo, aren't see-through at all. They are cleverly designed prints, where the outline of the wearer's derriere and underwear are painted on to the fabric." Actually, the craze isn't what it seems to be, because it's made-up. Everything is photoshopped, there are no such prints, and the media has been deceived.

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Man botches kidnapping, Fargo style
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: Pool Nazi
"Originally from the Netherlands, Ravesteijn, 45, wore a mask and never spoke to Braun during her captivity because he feared his Dutch accent would give him away, the complaint said. But his lack of English proficiency on the ransom note also contributed to his arrest, according to the complaint and Robert Mann, Braun's grandson who received the note... "It's really stupid," said Mann, executive vice president of Mann Brothers Inc. construction company."

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India resorts to Internet to catch Veerappan
BBC | Submitted by: alan66scot
Koose Muniswamy Veerappan. Not really known in the West, this Indian chap started life as a trader in illegal sandalwood and ivory. He's never been caught. Anyone who tries, is inevitably murdered. That makes the score 120(or so)-nil to Veerappan then (as well as a few thousand elephants)! As a last resort to solve the ongoing embarrassment to the government, they are offering, via their website, a $1,000,000 reward to anyone that can catch the elusive murdering bastard.

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Man ran child sex travel service from retirement home
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Humboldt Honey
"Mo, tell me more about Mex. What is his correct age? Is he tall, small? Body? Does he have ... nice buttocks and has he reached puberty?" the letter read in part. "I need a boy who's sexy and horny." Who doesn't?

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Kick 'em while they're up, kick 'em while they're down
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Squeak, the Human Chew Toy
""An Australian serviceman has been charged with misconduct for kicking a corpse while on duty in East Timor in 1999... Confirmation that charges have been laid comes as a blow to the elite unit at a psychologically critical time, with some members already deployed for a possible war in Iraq." What do the Timorese think? "I and most of my compatriots have not lost much sleep over how a criminal militia element was neutralised in 1999."

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If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Squeak, the Human Chew Toy
" transsexual man who has successfully fought two court cases against the Federal Government to have his marriage recognised may now face a High Court challenge to his relationship... Kevin, who was born a woman, and his wife, Jennifer, were elated yesterday when the Full Bench of the Family Court ruled their marriage was valid because Kevin was considered a man in the everyday sense."

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