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February 12, 2003

Gun control: Schools ban even the word GUN
Ottawa Citizen | Submitted by: anonymous
"Seven year old Chloe Sousa knows how to spell 'gun,' but her mother Amanda says the word has no place in Chloe's Grade 1 curriculum... "The word gun is synonymous with death. [We always thought it synonymous with "firearm"...] I'm racking my brain trying to figure out why a seven-year-old would need to learn this word," said Mrs. Sousa." Yes, let us insulate children from dangerous three letter words, lest they move on to four letter ones.

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Crime Stoppers gun raffle
Team 4 News | Submitted by: VillageIdiot33
"Its not your ordinary raffle and its raising some eyebrows. The irony is evident: a Christmas raffle for a handgun benefiting the Cameron County Crime Stoppers. Yes, Crime Stoppers. The prize a 9 millimeter glock. That begged the question, why would a Crime Stoppers organization want a new hand gun on the street?" Well, why not?

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America orders 100,000 body bags
Mirror | Submitted by: JON BLAST
"Up to 100,000 body bags and 6,000 coffins have been secretly delivered to a US base in Italy, a Catholic archbishop claimed yesterday... Archbishop Renato Martino, president of the Pope's Council of Peace and Justice, said the consignment had arrived at the Sigonella base near Catania on the island of Sicily 10 days ago... He said: "Americans are expecting a high number of casualties. That is why so many body bags and coffins have been sent to the base."

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Divine Simulacrum #1: Stupid fence
Wire Services | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Yet more religious wishful thinking, complete with Auto-Squint(TM) convenience! This one has us wondering, who's the babe with the hot ass?

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Divine Simulacrum #2: No parking on Jesus's face
Alpine Observer | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
What does God need with a starshi-- uh, street sign? "A 'No Parking' sign posted to keep the street in front of a South Alpine home clear of unwelcome vehicles has done just the opposite, with many local residents claiming to see the face of Jesus Christ in dark patterning on the sign." Hey, once I wiped my ass and the wad of paper looked just like Joan Rivers! So I flushed the fucker for the good of mankind.. I mean, the world sure as hell don't need 2 of 'em.

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The Hajj stampede
Wire Services | Submitted by: The Col. of pants
"The official Saudi Press Agency said the accident happened Tuesday morning. On Eid al-Adha, pilgrims throw pebbles at a pillar representing the devil, and the ritual is often the most troublesome part of the haj... In 2001 at least 35 people died in a stampede during the stoning ritual. In 1998, 119 were killed in a similar incident."

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Man tells judge he wants Jesus as lawyer
Wire Services | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"A southwest Missouri man can have Jesus Christ as his attorney, but only one licensed to practice Missouri law will be allowed to speak for him during trial on charges he tampered with a judge... Ozark County Circuit Judge John Moody told Adams it was fine for Jesus Christ to be his chief counsel, but no one, including Constance, could speak for him in the courtroom unless a lawful attorney." WWJL: What would Jesus litigate?

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Paging Mr. Polanski
Omaha World-Herald | Submitted by: Col. Klink
Everybody needs a hobby: "Metro Conference athletic directors and the Nebraska School Activities Association will be watching their high school basketball sidelines more closely after Omaha police detained a 74-year-old man for training a camera on high school cheerleaders... School officials have expressed concerns to the NSAA that if photographs of cheerleaders were taken, they could end up being sold to a Web site that contains pornographic or offensive material."

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The Valentine Menace
BBC | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"Religious activists in India and Pakistan have begun separate protests against Valentine's Day celebrations, saying they are an insult to Hinduism and Islam. In Bombay, members of the right-wing Shiv Sena group raided shops and burned Valentine's Day cards."

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Traveller pays dearly for bomb cry
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: Rangus
"Stephen Richard Hughes has had his wings clipped after waving his arms around and shouting "It's a bomb! It's a bomb!" at the Qantas terminal in Auckland... He has been banned indefinitely from flying Qantas. That imposes some serious limitations because of the amount of travelling he does as part of his work." Yes, there is a penalty for being a dumbshit.

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Six hundred injured trying to sacrifice animals
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"More than 600 Turks were injured in Istanbul as they tried to sacrifice bulls and other animals on the first day of the Islamic Eid al-Adha holiday Tuesday. Muslims sacrifice cows, sheep, goats, camels or bulls, and give a share of the animal's meat to the poor during the four-day religious holiday. However, at least 620 Turks at this year's holiday were treated for injuries after they either cut themselves or were stomped by animals during the sacrifices."

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Honey Tongue is ready to go Anywhere
Tacoma News-Tribune | Submitted by: TheMushroom
Just a wonderful headline. Chances are they won't go anywhere. "Hard-core Honey Tongue fans will be in for a sweet treat when the throaty voiced Ayers joins Graham McNeill (guitar) Sam Larson (bass) and Darnton Lewis (drums) to perform unrecorded new material as well as tracks off "Take Me Anywhere."

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Thoughtcrime
Wire Services | Submitted by: scramcat
"A technique called "brain fingerprinting," which seeks to probe whether a suspect has specific knowledge of a crime, could become a powerful weapon in national security, its inventor believes... if a suspected murderer was shown a detail of the crime scene that only he would know, his brain would involuntarily register that knowledge. Under Farwell's system, that brain activity is picked up through electrodes attached to the suspect's scalp and measured by an electroencephalograph (EEG) as a waveform."

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Burglary at own home, officer shoots self
Topeka Capital-Journal | Submitted by: oc64
"An off-duty Shawnee County sheriff's deputy successfully underwent surgery today at a Topeka hospital for a gunshot wound to his left leg suffered late Monday during a struggle with a prowler in his back yard, a sheriff's spokeswoman said... The man then escaped."

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Constable raped girls with nightstick during sleepover
Bucks County Courier Times | Submitted by: Bigalow Baggins
"On January 14 2003, Michael and Tina Barile, of Falls Township, Pa, pleaded guilty to charges that they molested two 12-year old girls at their house during a sleep over. Police said Michael Barile sexually assaulted the two girls with his nightstick while his wife watched from a nearby chair."

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Extinct insect comes back 80 years later
Australian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Meet the Lord Howe Island phasmid, so named because it was found only on the subtropical island 770 kilometres north-east of Sydney until wiped out by rats that made their way there from a shipwreck in 1918... Now the insect is within sight of taking its revenge on the rats... Presumed extinct for 80 years until rediscovered two years ago, the phasmid is the rarest and most endangered invertebrate in the world, possessed of a rare reproductive ability found in few other creatures... Females can reproduce without male assistance in a process known as parthenogenesis, through which unfertilised eggs hatch as clones of the female that laid them."

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Swiss built Stonehenge
Herald Sun | Submitted by: anonymous
"An early Bronze Age archer, whose grave was discovered near the stone circle last year and who may have helped build the monument, probably came from what is now Switzerland, they said... The archer lived around 2300 BC, about the time the great stone circle took its present shape." Apparently they've been fabricating timepieces for quite some time.

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CIA raises $ via drugs for political gains
KYW-TV 3 Philadelphia | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
So what else is new? "McLaughlin and Micewski said they had uncovered a Dominican drug trafficking ring operating in Philadelphia, New York and other Eastern cities that funneled drug profits to the Dominican Revolutionary Party, which they claimed was supported by the Central Intelligence Agency and State Department."

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Background on the CIA-PRD drug connection
From the Wilderness | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
A four year old article about the CIA drug dealing in Philadelphia. Very opinionated, but still excellent. While everyone else is living in Make-Believe Land where "buying drugs supports the terrorists", the CIA (who can't be bothered wasting their time with silly things like finding real terrorist cells or WMD) peddles dope behind everyone's back. Dulles would be proud.

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PETA furious at Arafat for suicide donkey
Virginian-Pilot | Submitted by: UncleGum
"Every so often, I violate my own policy against giving PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- the publicity it desperately desires and doesn't deserve... That's right. PETA, the group that never before expressed concern about the carnage in Israel, is suddenly outraged. All because a donkey died." Boom.

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Three die in intenet suicide pact
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"The jobless 26 year old man reportedly posted a message saying, "I am looking for persons who will commit suicide together with me" to an Internet site called, "Suicide pact bulletin board" on Oct. 21 last year.Three days later, an unrelated man and woman who became acquainted through a similar suicidal Website were found dead in a Tokyo apartment after killing themselves with carbon monoxide emitted from a portable stove.The Saitama man referred to the Tokyo suicide pact in his next message on the bulleting board. "That's my ideal way of going," his post read. "I plan to do it in January or February. I can provide sleeping pills. Only serious responses wanted."

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Mans BEARD ripped off in fight
Reading Evening Post | Submitted by: Reading
"A man ripped the beard off one of his flatmates and punched another in the nose in a row about chores... Henry Willsher, 26, of Bath Road, admitted two counts of common assault at Reading Magistrates' Court yesterday." No way to treat your flatmates.

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Al-Jahaha: Bin Laden vs Space Shuttle
Al Jazeera | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Arab television broadcaster al-Jazeera sure has a funny bone: Bin Laden on the moon. Isn't he a card?

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Law may doom traditional turtle racing
ABC TV affiliates | Submitted by: Razor
"The Chamber of Commerce is fighting to preserve a 39-year tradition in this resort town: turtle racing... Chamber officials say legislation passed last year has endangered the crowd-drawing races that take place each Wednesday during the summer... The state will no longer offer new licenses to sell or rent turtles, and that a 1986 law requires licensing for such activities."

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Making the condemned sane
New York Times | Submitted by: anonymous
"The federal appeals court in St. Louis ruled yesterday that officials in Arkansas can force a prisoner on death row to take antipsychotic medication to make him sane enough to execute. Without the drugs, the prisoner, Charles Laverne Singleton, could not be put to death under a United States Supreme Court decision that prohibits the execution of the insane."

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Washing machine for dogs
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Penfold
"A laundromat in Japan has developed a washing machine for people to put their dogs in. Jets of warm water, followed by soapy water and then warm water again, bathe and massage the smells, fleas and ticks away. After the washing is done, warm air swirls throughout the cubicle, drying the canine customer." Does this thing have a spin cycle?

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Human tissue dripping from lorries
BBC | Submitted by: Ida
"Eurocare Environmental Services left human remains, including placentas, in unrefrigerated soft-sided lorries in car parks and other sites for up to five months... At a north Wales facility, it poured thousands of litres of clinical fluids, including blood, into a septic tank that leaked into the River Dee."

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