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February 06, 2003

Mayor denies jacking off businessmen
Courier Mail | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"Maroochy Shire Mayor Alison Grosse was forced to deny that she masturbated several prominent Sunshine Coast businessmen and a well-known politician, in a civil court hearing yesterday... She told the court that one particular high profile identity had put her hand on his penis during a massage "which was not welcome" and she had pulled away."

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Baby corpse stolen
Tacoma News-Tribune | Submitted by: Iorek Svalabad
"King County sheriff's deputies are investigating the disappearance of the body of a Kent baby from the King County morgue last spring, a sheriff's spokesman said Monday... It was the first known theft of a body from the county morgue... The whereabouts of "Baby Perry" remain unknown, King County sheriff's spokesman Kevin Fagerstrom said."

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Criminals take a bite out of cop
WINS Radio | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"An off-duty city police officer who asked that a car blocking a street be moved nearly had his nose and an ear bitten off when he was beaten by three men and a woman... Officer Richard Levis is recuperating following a four-stage operation and 165 stitches to reconstruct his nose and reattach part of his ear following the Sunday incident."

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The Electromagnetic Pulse Bomb
Village Voice | Submitted by: Dr. Normallove
"It is widely known that we Americans contemplated, briefly and in a non-pervasive fashion, a nuclear... laydown on Iraq as an exceptionally high-effectiveness commencement to Operation Desert Storm," a mad scientist from a U.S. nuclear weapons lab nattered to Congress in 1999. The menacing comments were part of an unusual hearing convened to persuade American small businesses to harden themselves before nations like Iraq or North Korea attacked us with electromagnetic bombs."

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The war against the fur trade backfires
New York Times | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
Some of the people who were intent on banning fur in the 1980's and 1990's are rethinking the policy, after unintended side-effects emerge that are far worse than the problem they were attempting to "solve": "Trappers who once used to report to environmental groups when logging companies were clear-cutting forests or to the Canadian military when low-flying jets were disrupting caribou herds are no longer in a position to perform those custodial roles. Populations of wolves, once killed by trappers to protect the skins of animals caught in their traps, have soared to the detriment of buffalo and caribou herds."

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The face of an alien
Wire Services | Submitted by: Washington
The pictures says it all. "Taking less than four hours to decide the gay bias lawsuit brought by Charles Bell, 48, the six jurors awarded the former Park Lane Hotel manager $1.175 million in compensatory damages and $10 million in punitive damages."

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Best source for musical inspiration
News Corporation | Submitted by: Bezrael
"Instead of just lying there, Why don't you show me that you're powerful, Put in triple X batteries just so you give me something wonderful, Change it up fast and slow Till I find the frequency I like. Love it when you do my vibe on."

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Holy fence post in Australia
Independent | Submitted by: Reading
"Residents of Sydney have always flocked to Coogee to worship the sun; now they are converging on the coastal suburb to pay homage to an apparition of the Virgin Mary in a gatepost... Hundreds of believers have transformed the post, part of a picket fence on a headland by the beach, into a shrine, with rosary beads, icons and flowers piled up around it, since the vision was reported earlier this week."

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Blood, Stats, and Tears
Village Voice | Submitted by: Darth Dubya
"Number of Americans killed during the first Gulf War: 148. Proportion of Americans killed by "friendly fire" during the first Gulf War: 1 in 3. Number of Iraqis killed during the first Gulf War: 100,000. Number of Americans killed during the "Black Hawk Down" episode in Mogadishu in 1993: 18. Number of Somalis killed during the "Black Hawk Down" episode in Mogadishu in 1993: 500 to 1000." This article is actually misleading. The real number of Americans killed as a result the Gulf War is in the thousands, when you consider premature death statistics.

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Shuttle downed by purple electrical anamoly?
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: "Coke Nose" Bush
"Investigators of the Columbia space shuttle disaster are analyzing a startling photograph, snapped by an amateur astronomer from a San Francisco hillside, that appears to show a purplish electrical bolt striking the craft as it streaked across the California sky." NASA sent an investigator, who saw the photo for the first time and said, "Wow." They also collected the camera and all other evidence.

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The Madness of George Dubya
CNN | Submitted by: Rockpile
"British theatre-goers are flocking to a new farce which mocks U.S. President George W. Bush as a pyjama-wearing buffoon cuddling a teddy-bear while his crazed military chiefs order nuclear strikes on Iraq... "This is not a racist, anti-American thing. It's a satirical attack on what the U.S. and British governments are doing."

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Get yourself a dictator's limo
CNN Money | Submitted by: Rockpile
"Wealthy lovers of vintage luxury cars will soon have the chance to buy a classic Rolls-Royce or Mercedes limousine that once carried Yugoslav dictator Josip Broz Tito... The Yugoslav Defence Ministry plans to sell a 1960 Rolls-Royce Phantom 5, fitted with mahogany bar, and several Mercedes limousines at an auction on February 27."

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Fatties pay up
Polk Online | Submitted by: Rockpile
"Arlene Edelman had a ticket to ride. But Edelman, who weighed 800 pounds at the time, was told she'd need two... She argued with the skycap at La Guardia Airport in New York... "We went back and forth," said Edelman, who now weighs 300 pounds and lives in Sunrise. "He said I couldn't fly. I told him I was going to fly no matter what."

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Drunk cop pulls gun on innocent driver
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Jopy - 666
"An off-duty Minneapolis police officer accused of aiming a gun at a man's head on a downtown street after a department Christmas party was charged Tuesday with assault and drunken driving... Olson, armed with a handgun, told the other driver he was drunk and threatened to blow the man's head off, the complaint says... "He kept saying he was drunk," Cash said in the statement. He said Olson aimed the gun at his head and told him to get on the ground."

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Russian Parliament bans blue words
Wire Services | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"The State Duma lower house overwhelmingly approved a bill entrenching Russian as the 'state language' and barring 'offensive', 'obscene' and 'vulgar' words. Foreign words are also outlawed when Russian-language equivalents exist." Now if they could just stop those pesky assassinations...

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