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January 31, 2003

Man accused of collecting urine
Houma Today | Submitted by: Nukedog
"A man accused of hiding in a Houma department store's restroom and disabling the flush mechanism on the toilet has been charged with criminal mischief and committing "ritualistic acts," according to Terrebonne Sheriff’s Office reports released Wednesday... When Kenneth Patrick Porche Jr... emerged from the stall, the officer discovered concealed in his jacket four plastic bags "containing what is believed to be female urine," several empty bags and household tools."

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How do I love thee, let me count the fingers
WISC-TV 3 Madison | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"The woman told the clinic worker she caught her husband having an affair, and he offered to cut his fingers off to show her how much he really loved her, police said. She apparently wanted a clinic worker to tell her how to care for the man after he did it, but the clinic worker refused and called Madison police."

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Postcard arrives 53 years late, but 1 year too late
CNN | Submitted by: NatsKimmieKat
"Then she took a closer look and read the postmark -- 9:30 p.m., October 20, 1949... The card, relayed by the Postal Service, finally reached its destination last week at the Carpenter Street Baptist Church, where Stanton was pastor from 1947 to 1951. He died last year."

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Ex-coach and teacher charged with sex and crack
Wire Services | Submitted by: The Lone Gunman
"A former high school coach and civics teacher has been charged with repeatedly smoking crack cocaine with two of his athletes and pressing them for sex... The second student, after being asked twice for oral sex, "finally realized the defendant was not a 'good guy' and stopped spending time with him," Snohomish County prosecutors wrote."

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Troops masturbate for peace
USA Today | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"Fear of vaccines and possible exposure to chemical and biological agents has prompted at least 80 men in the military to visit laboratories that process and store sperm. It's a small number from the nation's two largest sperm banks, but it's a huge shift from previous years when the labs say they had almost no military clients."

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Bengals sued for being shittiest NFL team
Enquirer | Submitted by: Face in the Sea
"Two college professors who specialize in sports economics and stadium financing issues said that Portune will have a difficult time proving that Bengals owner Mike Brown hasn't tried to put a winning team on the field... "It doesn't strike me... as a real strong case," said Andrew Zimbalist, a Smith College economist... "What's the evidence that Brown hasn't tried?" How about the being in last place evidence?

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Don't forget to flush
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"A high school senior accused of dumping his newborn son in a portable toilet apologized for trying to kill the baby but said he threw the infant away because he didn't want the child, a detective testified Wednesday... "I'm sorry for what I did, but I had no choice because I didn't want the baby," Stanek read from Estrada's statement." Brill.

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Distribution of Zion Protocols provoke controversy
FSU Monitor | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"Around 70 members of the National Great Power Party of Russia (NDPR) held a demonstration on Sunday outside the Moscow headquarters of the World Congress of Russian-Speaking Jewry, according to the World Congress’s press release today. Pictures taken by UCSJ’s Moscow bureau show demonstrators holding a variety of antisemitic signs, and UCSJ’s Moscow bureau chief was quoted by the Sem40.ru news agency criticizing police for doing nothing to stop NDPR members from distributing The Protocols of the Elders of Zion to passersby." Wow, they have something in common with Henry Ford, who distributed copies of the Protocols to every public library in America. (Nobody arrested him, either.)

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At large in East Germany: Elephant
BBC | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"Police in Germany have launched a nationwide hunt for the director of a circus who has gone on the run with one of his elephants... The man, who has not been named, vanished when the authorities withdrew his licence to keep elephants following allegations of cruelty."

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Cloned baby now in Jerusalem
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: Bill and his clone Bill
"The baby girl alleged to be the first human clone is in hiding with her parents in Israel for fear that U.S. authorities would separate them, an Israeli spokesman for the religious sect behind the cloning claims said today. Clonaid chief Brigitte Boisselier has said the baby was cloned from an unidentified American woman. On Wednesday, she testified in a Florida court that the baby is now in Israel... Health Ministry spokesman Ido Hedari deadpanned that while cloning is illegal in Israel, airport authorities don't ask arrivals whether they were cloned abroad."

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Marines sabotage parachutes
Newsday | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"Two Marines have been arrested in the suspected sabotage of more than a dozen parachutes last fall, officials said. Three jumpers were slightly injured when they were forced to use their reserve chutes... No charges were filed immediately against Lance Cpl. Antoine D. Boykins, 21, and Lance Cpl. Julian Ramirez, 25, who were placed in the brig Tuesday night, Staff Sgt. Jay Connolly said."

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The tribal rites of America's military leaders
Village Voice | Submitted by: I_wanna_wax_you_up
"This Saturday, more than a thousand of America's top military and government leaders and their guests are scheduled to gather at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, D.C., for a secretive tribal rite called the 103rd Annual Wallow of the Military Order of the Carabao. Nothing says "imperialism" better than the annual Wallow, which celebrates the bloody conquest of the nascent Philippine Republic a century ago in the aftermath of the Spanish-American War." Good times.

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Canadians demand booze holiday
StarPhoenix | Submitted by: Gorg
"Is it a marketing ploy, or a grassroots movement agitating for an extra day off in March? Either way, the Guinness Party of Canada, formed by the Guinness beer company, is creating some buzz since its launch in Toronto last week... Its platform is simple: Let's declare March 17, St. Patrick's Day, a national holiday." Corporate Canadian marketing departments, anyway.

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The cool girls all EAT MEAT
Time | Submitted by: Rockpile
"Enter the folks at the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, who have responded to the looming vegetarian crisis by launching a website, Cool 2B Real, in an attempt to link meat consumption with some degree of hipness. The site, which looks like a cross between a Barbie fan page and a Taco Bell ad (beef-filled tacos and gigantic hamburgers dot the screen), extols teenage girls to "Keep it Real": "real" as in a person who eats beef, preferably three or four times a day." Choke it down girls, it's a skill you'll need later!

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Man transforms self into fuel-rich bonfire
Arizona Daily Star | Submitted by: JaeComan
"A 57 year old man suffered life threatening injuries Tuesday morning when he ignited his oxygen tank while smoking a cigarette, officials said... The man, whose name was not released because his family hadn't been located, suffered severe burns to his face and torso and also injured his lungs in the 8:09 a.m. incident at the hospice where he lives."

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Did music teacher knock up his student?
AZ Central | Submitted by: JaeComan
"The choir teacher at Higley High School has been accused of fathering the baby of one of his 16 year old students... "The teacher is denying any involvement with the student at this point," Likes said. "It's at the rumor stage right now, so we're all just starting the investigation." So is the main musical instrument taught at Higley the skin flute?

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Cat walks 60 miles in 5 days
ABC TV affiliates | Submitted by: CoCo
"Fila [a cat named after a brand of shoe?] has lived his entire life with the Hankins in Yuba City, but on Christmas Day their oldest daughter decided Fila should live with her in Sacramento... but Fila apparently didn't agree: he took off almost as soon as he got there. That was the start of a five-day cross county trek. It's one that left his family, well, frankly frazzled."

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Corpse dangles in woods for a year, mummified
The Olympian | Submitted by: Cudaman Dan
"Police recovered a badly decomposed body Wednesday that someone found hanging from a tree about 40 feet off of the ground... The body was reported Tuesday night by a man who said he first noticed it about a year ago but chose not to call police because there were warrants out for his arrest at the time, Olympia police Cmdr. Tor Bjornstad said."

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Olsen twins hoax epidemic
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Idle Hands
"The Olsen twins' publicist, Michael Pagnotta, said Wednesday that UD is about the 20th college to be identified in a similar bogus report. Other schools falsely presented as the twins' choice include Duke University, Northwestern University, Ohio University, and most recently, UD and Miami University. 'In a way, it's flattering so many people want to believe (the twins) will be going to their school,' Pagnotta said. 'But at the end of the day, none of the reports are true.' The 16-year-old girls 'have a year of high school left,' he said." Note: This has been the top story TWO DAYS RUNNING.

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Drug Czar above the Law
Reno Gazette-Journal | Submitted by: motrinwoman
"The national drug czar has declined to respond to complaints that the he broke Nevada law by not filing reports on money spent opposing November's marijuana ballot initiative... "The claim that he was just doing his job is obvious nonsense.. He was explicitly campaigning against Question 9."

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Feds solve work backlog: shred everything
New York Times | Submitted by: anonymous
"According to the federal indictment, Ms. Randall ordered her subordinates last January to count the number of unprocessed papers in the filing center. They reported that about 90,000 documents were waiting to be handled. In February, the government says, she ordered at least five night-shift workers to begin shredding many boxes of papers... By the end of March, the backlog had been cut to zero, and Ms. Randall ordered her subordinates to continue destroying incoming paper to keep current, the government says." This technique can be applied to all manner of problems!

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