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January 19, 2003

Gerbil crusher faces time
Torrington Register-Citizen | Submitted by: Orkin Man 666
"Just before the holidays, 18 year old Torrington resident, Cale Carrico, was shopping at a local convenience store, but he had more than money on him... A furry gerbil, that he had picked up for his girlfriend as a Christmas gift was stowed away in his shirt pocket, police said. The creature may not have appreciated its temporary home, however, because after Carrico reached in his pocket and held the rodent in his hand, it bit the tip of his right middle finger. What happened next is for the lawyers to argue before the judge. According to witnesses in the store, Carrico got mad and dropped the gerbil on the floor and "crushed it with his boot." He then walked out of the store with his friends, leaving a bloody body behind him."

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Bucs fans fear Eagles fan violence, cancel trips
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: Chris, Section 701 Row 5
Veterans Stadium: slated to be demolished, home to the Eagles, Phillies, rats, and 65,000 drunken Philadelphians. The turf is concrete. We cheer injuries. Every home game has enough arrests that the stadium has its own courthouse. Batteries and snowballs rain down on everyone from Jim Johnson to Santa Claus. And we scare the bejesus out of Floridians. "They were just in our face, they would jeer at us, and poke us, and tell us to go home," Bowles said Tuesday after half-heartedly searching the Internet for tickets to Sunday's NFC Championship game in Philadelphia. "I vowed I wasn't going to go again."

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Miss Drunk contest held in Thailand
Wire Services | Submitted by: balloonfarm
"Arunothai was named "Miss Drunk" at a contest Thursday to promote Thai wines after downing five shots and walking a zigzag path between two rows of wine bottles without knocking them down... "I was not drunk. Only a little bit dizzy. I was fine and refreshed after a cup of coffee and washing my face."

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Martin is refused parole as danger to burglars
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Taco Vender
"Tony Martin, the farmer jailed for shooting dead a teenage burglar, had his application for parole rejected yesterday. The three members of the Parole Board, who met in London to review his case, gave no reason for turning him down. A friend of Martin's claimed that it was because a probation report branded the 58-year-old a danger to burglars."

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Airforce: speed GOOD for pilots
Wire Services | Submitted by: spankTHISmonkey
Follow-up on an earlier story. For years, we've been bombarded with US government propaganda on the dangers of speed. Apparently, it's only bad when regular people use it. The pilots of our fearsome Airforce have been using speed now for 60 years. According the an Airforce doctor, it's good stuff, allowing a pilot to remain not only awake but alert for hours on end. They've also cleared the drug of any part of a friendly fire incident involving US pilots and Canadian soldiers. If you ever wondered how a pilot can be alert and awake during a 14 hour combat mission, now you know.

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Top 11 lies about Iraq
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: pete the anarchist
Americans are fed intravenously the reasons why they must go to war with Iraq... This article carefully examines the lies and misconceptions given to us by the spin-meisters, from an Australian perspective.

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Can we still be cousins after the divorce?
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Bammer
"They say recent scientific studies conclude that children of first cousins are at no greater risk of genetic defects than others. Thao, one of two Hmong legislators, said such unions are not uncommon in that culture. Kahn said the law also is a problem for Somali immigrants." Did they even look at the British Royal Family, when they commissioned this study?

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Nurse to four year old boy patient: STFU
Sun | Submitted by: Col.Klink
A callous nurse told a distressed four-year-old lad to "shut the fuck up" when he screamed after an operation... Patients and hospital staff were horrified by the outburst at little Jack Servat... The lad cried out while being taken back to a ward after surgery to remove a decayed tooth... The parents of another boy heard the nurse, in her 50s, shout the abuse repeatedly. They told Jack's dad Dave Servat, 30, and mum Vicky Todd, 31."

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More Mickey D's fun...
Houston Press | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"Marcus Long nearly died three times last year. After a routine procedure on his bladder, doctors diagnosed the 61-year-old with cancer of the brain, colon, lung and spine. He survived brain and back radiation treatment and chemotherapy, but he barely survived a McDonald's breakfast burrito, says his wife, Elaine Long... Marcus and Elaine are alleging that a McBurrito was so oversaturated with black pepper that it caused Marcus to have two months of daily nosebleeds, an infection in his mouth and possible damage to his vocal chords."

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Contender for America's dumbest criminals
Washington Times | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"A D.C. native with bank robbery experience going back 40 years bungled his latest attempt by locking his keys in the getaway car and shooting himself in the leg as he fled on foot with $100 bills flying from his pockets, police said yesterday."

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This car crash brought to you by Windows
Baseline Magazine | Submitted by: Sean
Conley says his second car works better than his first one. For example, when it creeps along the road, it does not automatically brake without using the brake lights, as the first one was prone to do." Also, Transmission: This is scary. His car goes from 4th down to 1st gear (auto transmission car) and he nearly gets rear-ended by the SUV behind him.

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Man turns up naked to court
BBC | Submitted by: Scott Dahl
"A naturist arrested for walking down a busy street with no clothes on has turned up at court naked. Steve Gough cycled five miles to Court dressed in nothing but open-toed sandals. The judge refused to let the 43-year-old into the dock and police arrested him for an alleged breach of the peace. He told a crowd of supporters: "It may be cold this morning but I'm feeling quite fresh. "I'm quite confused about it really because I thought this was a free country. "I'm just exercising my right to dress how I like in this green and pleasant land."

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