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January 13, 2003

Penis frozen by subzero cold
Orange Today | Submitted by: anonymous
"A Russian man had to be rescued after his penis stuck to a frozen bus shelter while he was urinating... He stopped to urinate, leaning against the bus shelter for support, but swayed at a crucial moment and his penis stuck to the frozen metal."

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Banker's castle crumbles
New York Post | Submitted by: wingnut
"A Swiss-born banker who stole a whopping $70 million from clients so he could transform a castle at Tarrytown into a luxurious hotel was thrown in the slammer yesterday for eight years... "I know it's wrong but I never spent money for me... it went to my family." Walder pumped about $56 million of his stolen cash into Tarrytown hotel The Castle, a Norman style castle he bought for $2 million in 1994.the judge... ordered him to begin paying back the $70 million."

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BC Premier drunk driving in Hawaii
Yahoo! Canada | Submitted by: Chris
"British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell was charged early Friday with drunk driving in Hawaii, Maui police said. Sgt. Ken Prather said Campbell, 54, was arrested at 1:23 a.m... Norman Ruff, a University of Victoria political expert, said Campbell can still perform his duties despite the charge." He is, however, going to resign.

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Effectiveness of the three strikes policy
WOKR-TV 13 Rochester | Submitted by: Captain Prozac
"Police have charged a Rochester parolee with beating a Gates man to death in his home the day before Thanksgiving... Police allege that Hawkins knew that, with his record, he would go to prison for a long time if caught again, so when he confronted Gallina, the stakes of the burglary attempt changed." In other words, that man was beaten to death as a result of the Three Strikes law.

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Bowling alley worker killed in freak accident
Wichita Eagle | Submitted by: J0PY-666
"A 29 year old overnight maintenance worker was crushed to death by a bowling pin resetting machine at a west side bowling alley... Employees who arrived for work at 8 a.m. today at West Acres Bowl, 749 N. Ridge Road, found the man still caught in the machine, police said... It appears the man was on all fours when the machine came on and trapped him, police said. Paramedics pronounced him dead on scene."

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Kid's Storytime with R. Kelly
Wire Services | Submitted by: Dustin Prewitt
"The book, aimed at readers aged 6-9, originally was issued in 1998. It is one of Dulaney's so-called "Fuzzy-Feelings" series, titles offering children lessons on self-esteem, hard work, and, in the case of R. Kelly, making it against all odds... Presumably, the book does not cover the scandals that touched Kelly's life even before the child-porn case, namely, his reputed 1994 marriage to the then underage Aaliyah."

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A Year in the Life of the Drug War
AlterNet | Submitted by: I.P. TeAichsee
"For the past 15 years, lawmakers have pursued tough-on-drugs policies in an effort to create a "drug free America," plowing billions of dollars into prosecuting and imprisoning drug offenders. Is it working?Not according to many drug policy observers of each political stripe. Indeed, some claim the war on drugs has been a complete and extremely costly failure. "House Republicans Thursday unveiled a package of bills to combat drug abuse and vowed to make America virtually drug-free by 2002." - Reuters, May 1998."

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Potheads worse than terrorists
Cannabis News | Submitted by: I.P. TeAitchsee
"Mr. Alsobrooks needs to look at the real facts. Almost three quarters of a million arrests are made each year in the US for so-called marijuana "crimes." That's 315 times the total number of terrorist related arrests made in the entire world in about the thirteen month period from 9/11 until the end of October 2002."

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No airstrike today, General's surfing porn again
Business Week | Submitted by: lemmiwinks
"Stories of Special Forces troopers calling in air strikes with laser pointers made the media, but behind the scenes commanders had to queue up for satellite uplinks and bickering broke out over who would get access to unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs). Many officers complained of bandwidth limitations that crimped their ability to use newly networked systems... The further you get out in a deployed scenario, the less bandwidth is available."

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Kentucky wants to snoop confessionals
Newsday | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"A state legislator has outraged religious groups by introducing a bill that would abolish the right clergy now have to stay silent when they learn in a confessional that a child has been abused... Kentucky already requires members of the public, including clergy, to notify civil authorities about child abuse if they learn about the wrongdoing outside of the confessional."

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Food stamps make you fat
Fox News | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"'In a time of mass obesity, encouraging the poor to consume more food makes no sense at all,' said the researcher, University of Maryland Professor Douglas Besharov." Yes, our food resources should be going to all those starving rich people out there. Though we must admit to having spotted more than a few welfare "double wide" moms in the grocery line.

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Fight with computer brings SWAT team
Boulder Daily Camera | Submitted by: J0PY-666
"A 32 year old Boulder man who had opened his apartment's patio door to enjoy Wednesday's unusually warm weather was later overheard screaming threats and seen waving what appeared to be a handgun, prompting a maintenance worker to call police... It turned out that the man was simply upset at his computer, which he had called a "bitch" he "wanted to kill," police said, and the gun was a plastic pellet gun, not the .45-caliber automatic handgun it was made to resemble.

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New Half Dori
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"New Half is a fairly recent euphemism for female impersonator. That they exist in Japan is certainly nothing new; that the back side of Kabukicho features a darkened street, where foreign guys in skirts flash shapely legs, smile prettily and toss their long black tresses in search of willing customers."First he got on his knees and I tried to ream him from behind," the reporter writes. "But even from that angle, he still looked like a man and I couldn't keep it up. Then he turned over, to see if we could get it on in the missionary position; but the feeling from directly contacting his erection was a big turnoff. So nothing ever came of it, especially me!"

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Animal lover gives critters full support
Austin American-Statesman | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"The baby possums are easier to put up with in your brassiere than the baby squirrels, says Allison Adams of Round Rock... "The hardest to deal with in my bra are the squirrels," said Allison, 23. "The possums are actually the easiest. They're adorable, beautiful little animals, and since they're used to being in a pouch with their mom, they're used to the feeling. The squirrels, they're not used to it. They're moving around, and every once in a while you hear them squeaking."

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The family that squeals together...
New York Post | Submitted by: wingnut
"Meet the family of canaries who brought down an elusive Mafia don. Richard "Shellackhead" Cantarella, 59, his wife Lauretta Castelli, 57, and his son, Paul, 31, decided over the Christmas holidays to join hands in the federal witness protection program. With Cantarella suddenly facing life behind bars for murder, his son looking at a stiff term for kidnapping and home invasions, and Castelli mulling several years in prison for witness tampering and money laundering, the trio opted to cut a deal." Shellackhead?!?

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Cruising just now hitting Ohio
Canton Repository | Submitted by: anonymous
"Some get out of their vehicles and loiter around restrooms. They even approach unsuspecting men who really are there for the fresh air and exercise. On any given day, men go to parks in and around Stark County in search of anonymous sex with other men. It's called cruising." They're just now reporting this? Canton must truly be in bumfuck. Perhaps they should watch more Al Pacino movies.

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Bride stabbed to death on wedding day
femail | Submitted by: Uninvited Guest
"Police were today hunting a family member after a bride-to-be was found stabbed to death on her wedding day... The victim, an Asian woman aged 21 who has not yet been named, was found at around 2pm yesterday after relatives who had gathered for the ceremony heard screaming from a upstairs bedroom."

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Man self-administers boob job, dies
News Corporation | Submitted by: clove
An Indonesian transvestite died after he injected himself with silicon that he hoped would enlarge his breasts... the paper quoted Sugrabrata's brother as saying that he had injected himself three times with silicon before his death. He obtained the chemical from a friend, the report said."

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Would you like popcorn with your genocide, sir?
Guardian | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
It's rare to get slapped in the cinema. But more than 15 years ago, it happened to me. Or at least to my friend sitting in the next seat. Aware that the movie we were about to see was a long one, he had stocked up on a mega-bag of popcorn. Ten minutes into the film, he was munching away, when a woman from the row behind reached down and gave his leg a firm smack. "Have you no respect?"

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Yorkie, the new weapon of choice
Wire Services | Submitted by: Tanya Hunter
"The Kellers said that it was a simple sale that just went wrong. But the Turners disagree. "She grabbed him over the top of his neck, around his throat and started hitting me with the dog," Virginia Turner told KMBC in August." Who knew Yorkie's were so versatile?

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