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December 28, 2002

Virgin Mary raped by Roman centurion
Independent Online | Submitted by: Bastard Jesus
"Vatican officials have slammed a documentary alleging that the Virgin Mary was a downtrodden teenager who might have conceived Jesus as a result of being raped. Cardinal Martins José Saraiva, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, described Sunday's BBC documentary as "nonsense", the Rome daily La Repubblica reported on Monday."

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Revenge - It's what's for breakfast
BBC | Submitted by: Squeak, the Human Chew Toy
According to the BBC news, a steel beam from the wreckage of the World Trade Center is to be used in the construction of a new warship, the USS New York, for service in the "war against terrorism." This touching gesture was made after more than 350,000 tons of the steel had already been sold overseas as scrap, probably made into trade goods sold back to U.S. consumers, always eager for a bargain on cheap crap made in China. Yep. Nothing says "honor and respect" quite like inexpensive flatware, TV trays, and fondue sets from K-Mart. While we're at it, why not a September 11th commemorative ashtray in the shape of a smoking crater?

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Thieves steal massive health care database
Denver Post | Submitted by: BigJoe
"Thieves on Dec. 14 broke into the Phoenix-based TriWest Healthcare Alliance, which manages Tricare, a health care plan for the military. They made off with computers and files. Personal information from about 500,000 service members and their families, including thousands in Colorado and Wyoming, are among the missing files."

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Florida golfers go postal on 14-year old boy
Naples Daily News | Submitted by: Brass Knuckles Nicklaus
Boy steals golfball, boy gets beatdown: "The ball belonged to Andrew Young, 41, of Longwood, a nursery business owner. He and a man in a different playing group, machine operator Richard Bailey, 44, of Lansing, Mich., are accused of delivering a series of kicks and punches to his head, chest, back and neck after one tackled him and dragged him back to the course."

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US Marine baby freezer
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Terrorists R Us
"He had strangled his 19-year-old girlfriend on Dec. 7, police say, and kept her body inside. He lowered the thermostat to 50 degrees to try to slow the body's deterioration. His girlfriend's 10-week-old baby, Devonte, was inside the apartment. When he went to work, Coleman left the baby boy alone, hungry and crying... "He was concerned for its welfare and decided he couldn't see it suffer anymore, and decided at that point that it was time to eliminate the baby." He then froze the baby.

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Couple arrested for gross stupidity
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Tim Howard
So you see, officer, somebody tried to steal my pot... ahh, holders. You want to investigate the crime scene? Could you come back in about two weeks. My harvest will be cultivated by then. Yeah, I know we reported a break-in, but don't you need a warrent for entering our house without our permiss... Can we just forget the whole thing?

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If after 16 times you don't succeed, give up!
New York Post | Submitted by: lemmiwinks
"A Queens man busted 16 times for impersonating a subway motorman has been arrested again, and said he won't give up his masquerade until the Transit Authority hires him, cops said yesterday. Brown has been convicted four times of burglary, larceny and criminal impersonation over the past three years for breaking into TA facilities, police said." Great resume.

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Fat, drunk and British
Guardian | Submitted by: Tobermory
What, you mean that British sport fans are fat, drunken, charmless and beneath contempt? So nothing's changed then: "Not content with pummelling the beleaguered England cricket team with a personal best innings of 250... Langer walked into a press conference at the Melbourne Cricket Ground and fired off a volley of abuse at England's fans... "These people stand behind a fence drinking beer with most of them 50 kilos overweight making ridiculous comments," Langer said... One of the current favourites on (the English fans) hymn sheet (is sung) to the tune of Yellow Submarine, and employs the chorus: 'You all live in a convict colony.'"

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Shiny happy KY
State of Kentucky | Submitted by: bobolo
"The new plate is designed to promote Kentucky’s new tourism marketing program... "Kentucky, It's that friendly." The friendly theme was developed after extensive market research revealed that people outside of the state rank the friendliest of Kentuckians as the state’s number one attribute. The smiling sunrise over the Kentucky hillside provides a backdrop for a very friendly and readable license plate that serves as a traveling billboard that promotes the message of "Kentucky, It's that friendly."

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Gang-raped heroin junkie has merry Xmas after all
Daily Record | Submitted by: Brutish Short
"Gang-rape victim Lorraine Dick enjoyed a drug-free family Christmas after years of living hell. The minister's daughter has spent the past six festive seasons battling heroin addiction. Her downward spiral from ambitious young nurse to drug addict started when she was brutally raped while doing voluntary work in Bangladesh. She took heroin to blot out the horrific memory of the attack. Eventually she robbed an off-licence at knife-point, planning to buy enough drugs to kill herself."

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Alaska: Dream body dump
Wire Services | Submitted by: xnewswire
Is where Jimmy Hoffa ended up: "More than 53,000 people have been reported missing in [Alaska] since the clearinghouse was established in 1988. "People are swept away in the river and their bodies are never found, so it can't be ruled out," said trooper Mike Brandenburger. "Water conditions are colder here and body gases don't develop at the same speed as in the Lower 48, so bodies tend to sink."

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Educator ugly enough to kill teen libido
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"It's never too late to practice abstinence, Faust tells one group of teenage girls. "And if you've already opened it up," she says, "you can just close up shop, put it in the freezer and let it chill"... Miss Flip is an abstinence educator. She's on the front lines of a growing national movement." And a lost cause.

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Father Christmas escapes rape charge on technicality
Independent Online | Submitted by: Saint Dick
A nice holiday story: James McNeil, who used to be a popular Father Christmas in Cape Town, has been found guilty of indecently assaulting a year-old baby and two young girls... Naidoo said the state had proved that McNeil had rubbed his penis against the girl's vagina and had inserted his fingers in her vagina; however, to prove rape, the state had to show that the male organ had been inserted into the female organ."

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DeBolt arrest clouds Fighting Irish preparations
South Bend Tribune | Submitted by: birdbomb
"Charged with "trespass on property" at a Jacksonville Beach night club, DeBolt refused to leave at the request of Ocean Club manager John Blackwelder, according to the arrest report... An officer of the Jacksonville police said Friday night that DeBolt had to be restrained in custody because "he was combative at the back door of the jail." DeBolt's mug shot shows swollen eyes and lacerations around his mouth, though the arrest report does not mention those injuries or any involvement in an altercation."

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Decades-old mystery noise explained
Wire Services | Submitted by: Soylent
"An underwater noise that has long confounded Navy sonar operators turned out to be a call of the minke whale. For decades, sonar operators in the North Pacific had heard the mechanical twang, similar to the sound of an electric razor."

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