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December 17, 2002

Queen's trooper shot cyclist
Mirror | Submitted by: optional
"Onw of the Queen's guards who shot a cyclist because he was bored, escaped jail yesterday. Household Cavalry trooper Adam Everett, 20, took the pot-shot with an airgun from Knightsbridge barracks sparking a terrorist alert. After the wounded man called police, master of camouflage Everett was found hiding in a locker."

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Granny, would you like a brownie?
Knoxville News-Sentinel | Submitted by: toddman
"A criminal investigation into how two dozen residents of a county-run nursing home wound up testing positive for marijuana use continued Monday as hospital officials insisted the initial test results were incorrect... Since then, all 98 nursing home residents have undergone urine drug screens, and 24 of them have tested positive for marijuana."

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Dirty hotels and Cincinnati busy-bodies
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: Harris!
"Citizens for Community Values officials say they have surveyed 174 Tristate hotels for the launch of a nationwide effort to label what they call pornography-free or "clean" hotels... "We're going on the offensive, and we're going to stay on the offensive," said Phil Burress, president of the Sharonville-based CCV, one of the nation's most visible anti-pornography groups."

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Orthodoxy knuckle-deep in nasal probe
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Nosy
Shas, Israel's Orthodox party, has filed a complaint against rival groups, because their campaign posters show its spiritual leader, Rabbi Ovadia Yossef, picking his nose... "This is a barbaric incitement to violence," Shas said in its complaint before the central election commission."

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Penis-eater has at least one moral
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Heinz
"I can say that I would never eat a woman; they are too important for the survival of mankind. Sperm from men can be frozen and used to give birth to children after his death. But women are irreplaceable for the continuity of mankind."

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Wal-Mart shopper attacked after imitating crying baby
Kansas City Star | Submitted by: Ted
"Prosecutors said a Kansas City man shopping at a Wal-Mart store grabbed a baseball bat from a shelf and attacked a man who had made a remark about a crying baby. The victim, suffered head injuries that required 14 stitches, as well as a broken rib and bruised kidney." Blame it on the subliminal messages in the Muzak they are playing in Wal-Mart.

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Man, 103, marries girlfriend after 53 years together
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"A 103 year old Ecuadorian man has finally married his girlfriend after more than half a century of living together. Jose Domingo Olaya married Melchora Vergara, who is 76, after being together for 53 years."

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Drunken elephant beserkers kill six
Sky News | Submitted by: fReAkBoY
"A herd of drunken elephants have trampled to death six people during a stampede in India. The beasts raided a store of alcohol in a small village while searching for food. After helping themselves to gallons of the home brewed liqueur, the intoxicated herd went "berserk" and attacked villagers."

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Baby Jesus frowns on suiciders
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Evildoer
"The Samaritans, a British charity aimed at helping those with personal problems has attracted criticism over its hilarious Christmas ad campaign to prevent suicides of the lonely. "I wish the baby Jesus had never been born."

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OSI still going strong
New York Times | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"Such a program, for example, could include efforts to discredit and undermine the influence of mosques and religious schools that have become breeding grounds for Islamic militancy and anti-Americanism across the Middle East, Asia and Europe. It might even include setting up schools with secret American financing to teach a moderate Islamic position laced with sympathetic depictions of how the religion is practiced in America."

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Students start day with porn
Canoe | Submitted by: Sexwithkittens
"Hundreds in the high school see it on TV sets in classrooms most Monday mornings as a patriotic way to start the week. Instead, the video took a shocking, perverted twist. "We're standing with our arms folded behind us for O' Canada, and it cuts to triple X-rated porn," she said." And people said Monday mornings were a bad thing.

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Lott debacle provides convenient smokescreen
New York Times | Submitted by: dianalily
And there's always something perfidious going on behind the smokescreen. "Last week the Bush administration made an important announcement. I'm not referring to the selection of a new economic team, which will make absolutely no difference to policy. I'm talking about the executive order removing longstanding barriers between church and state."

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America is the clown at Ronald McDonald's party
Business 2.0 | Submitted by: David 'Inky' Scott
"With anti-American sentiment on the rise, international markets have become perilous for U.S.-based multinationals. But that's just business as usual for McDonald's. During the last decade, the Illinois-based chain has been the target of political protests in more than 50 countries. Alas, preventing Ronald McDonald from taking bullets intended for Uncle Sam often means using marketing tricks that would never play in Peoria."

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More Jackass hijinx
ABC News | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Yet another Johnny Knoxville impersonator taken out, Darwin-style. "Stephen Paul Rauen, 15, was ejected from the top of a friend's car Monday after he'd jumped onto the hood, Albuquerque Police spokesman Jeff Arbogast said. When the driver hit the brakes, Rauen hit the pavement, then was run over and dragged a short distance."

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The dog-eat-dog world, writ large
Michigan Live | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"A woman and her boyfriend each face up to 93 days in jail after police found three dogs eaten alive by other dogs in a southern Tuscola County house." [Watertown Township Police Chief Phillip M.] Millerov said a neighbor of the home heard dogs yelping when he walked past the house on April 29. When the man looked inside the home, "he sees one dog eating the internal organs of another dog that was lying on the floor," Millerov said."

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Two more cities reject PATRIOT Act
ABC News | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"Flagstaff, AZ, and Oakland, CA, are the most recent US cities to reject the USA PATRIOT Act, a piece of legislation that is blatantly unconstitutional. "'I think there is strong support,' City Councilwoman Nancy Nadel said. 'We can't trade our civil liberties for security and still be fighting for the freedoms our country symbolizes.'" The only two people in Congress that didn't support the Patriot Act were Republican Bob Barr and Democrat Cynthia McKinney, who are diametrically opposite in political leanings. Curiously, both have become lame ducks and are not expected to win re-election. Makes you wonder...

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First shipment of little Bushies sells out
Baltimore Sun | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"The first 12,000 copies of this year's "true action hero," a new talking doll based on U.S. President George W. Bush has sold out. Most of the sound clips are straightforward, e.g. famous quotes about the War on Terrorism. But also included are some of his more notorious quotes, like "We're working hard to put food on your family". Demand was much higher than originally anticipated, and the next shipment won't make it to the US before Christmas. The Nixon Library sold through on two cases of them. Oh, yeah, and they're made in Hong Kong."

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Half-naked carjacker loses colostomy bag
AZ Central | Submitted by: JOPY-666
"Police believe they have the poop on a half-naked man who hijacked a car at knifepoint outside an Edmonton suburb's main mall: he left his colostomy bag at the scene. "It looks as though it may have fallen off during a struggle with security staff from the mall before the hijack," said RCMP Const. Mireille Moore."

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Boys beat a dozen calves to death
Seattle Post-Intelligencer | Submitted by: Col.Klink
"Snohomish County prosecutors will recommend that a 19 year old spend nine months in prison for helping beat more than a dozen calves to death at a Monroe dairy farm in August. Kevin Broers pleaded guilty yesterday to three counts of first-degree animal cruelty and faces a sentencing hearing Jan. 21. Prosecutors said they lightened the charges after a 14 year old Woodinville boy admitted that he was responsible for most of the calf beatings. They described Broers' involvement that night as "somewhat minor or secondary."

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But is it art?
Omaha World-Herald | Submitted by: Col.Klink
"Artist Chris Holmes was wanted on a number of charges, yet he stood in a hallway leading to the Douglas County courthouse last Tuesday and put up a painting that soon would draw the ire of authorities. The 18-inch by 24 inch painting, titled "Detective Ass & Officer Nightstick", was dedicated to Marvin Ammons and George Bibins, two men who had been fatally shot by Omaha police. Ammons was shot and killed in 1997; Bibins in 2000."

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Camera catches cold-hearted attacks on snowmen
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Bald in NJ
"A camera recorded the attacks that can only be described as cold hearted if not cold blooded. The video shows a group of pen wielding vandals repeatedly puncturing two inflatable snowmen in this Florida Panhandle resort city. A third attack was reported outside the camera's view. "They stabbed Frosty in the heart."

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Iran barber arrested for helping girls pose as boys
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Bald in NJ
"Iran's moral police have arrested a male barber who gave short haircuts to young women so that they could pass as boys and go out in public without having to cover themselves from head to toe, a newspaper said Tuesday."

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The safest place in Africa isn't
South Africa Sunday Times | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"At least four people were attacked and three stabbed by a marauding gang of teenage robbers who went on a rampage on Port Elizabeth's beachfront last night. Their youngest victim was a 12-year-old boy... Ironically, Tourism Safety Forum chairman Stanford Slabbert boasted earlier this month that 'Port Elizabeth is the safest holiday destination on the African continent.'"

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Doorstop valued at AU$90,000,000
News Corporation | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"When 14 year old Roy Spencer found a black stone in 1935 his father dismissed it as worthless and used it as a doorstop on their back veranda of their Queensland home... Now the Black Star of Queensland, a black sapphire as big as a hen's egg, is on the market for about AU$90 million."

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Mutilated pig head may be a message of hate
Zanesville Times-Recorder | Submitted by: Adolph Rumsfeld
"Civil Rights officials are investigating an incident in which a Muskingum County woman found a severed pig's head on her property after she became involved in a campaign to get water delivered to her home. The victim is black. The Ohio Civil Rights Commission fears the incident may be related to her race."

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Is that a monkey in your pants?
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Helaine
"A man who had two endangered pygmy monkeys in his pants when he arrived from Thailand at Los Angeles International Airport was sentenced to 57 days in jail. Robert John Cusack, 45, of Palm Springs pleaded guilty Monday to smuggling the monkeys, called lesser slow lorises, and was sentenced by U.S. District Judge Terry Hatter. Cusack had already served the 57 days in jail."

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Bad opium trip caused by antidrug propaganda
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Strangelove Cheney
"First reactions to Thailand's giant new opium museum in the Golden Triangle are confused: pleasant surprise at cool air after the intense tropical heat, but then disorientation, shock, even fear. Visitors enter the 40-hectare complex through a long, dark, mist filled tunnel, which winds into the base of a hill past bas-reliefs of distorted human figures before emerging suddenly into bright sunlight in front of a field of poppies."

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