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December 16, 2002

Mad had sex with nativity sheep
Charleston Daily Mail | Submitted by: ridgerunner
"Charleston police arrested an East Bank man for allegedly having sex with a sheep used in a West Side funeral home's live nativity scene. Joey Armstrong, 29, allegedly broke into a shed that housed the animals used in the holiday scene at the Bartlett-Burdette-Cox Funeral Home on Tennessee Avenue about 5:50 a.m. Saturday, Charleston Police Sgt. Brent Webster said."

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Time to walk the billboard, George
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"A mobile phone giant has opted to use big dogs as moving billboards to advertise its new handset. And the company behind the innovative form of advertising is appealing for owners of larger dogs to register their pooches for future "dogverts". Sony Ericsson have signed up new venture Dogvertise to promote their new photo messaging service with the appropriate slogan "something to drool about."

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Lesbian swirlee death
Wire Services | Submitted by: GW Hitler
"A man accused of poisoning his wife and drowning her in a toilet bowl after she told him she was homosexual has been found guilty by a jury of first degree intentional homicide. The state claimed Plude was poisoned and her head forced into the toilet bowl by her husband."

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Russian Roulette school of parenting
WCMH-TV 4 Columbus | Submitted by: f00f
"Powers had been granted temporary custody of the boy by Franklin County Children Services the day before the shooting. A witness told authorities that Powers asked Mitchell whether he felt lucky, spun the cylinder on a gun and pointed it at Mitchell's head. The gun fired the third time he pulled the trigger."

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Court refuses trial by combat
London Telegraph | Submitted by: johng
"A court has rejected a 60 year old man's attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by combat, rather than pay a UKP 25 fine for a minor motoring offence... Instead of accepting his offer to take on a clerk from Swansea with "samurai swords, Ghurka knives or heavy hammers", fined him UKP 200 with UKP 100 costs."

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Man found hanging in tree, surrounded by porn
Independent Online | Submitted by: Bob_McBob
"The millionaires' haven of Llandudno, in Cape Town, has been rocked by the mysterious death of a 29 year old Mouille Point man found hanging naked from a tree, surrounded by pornographic magazines." Way to go.

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Thespian accidentally hangs self
New Orleans Times-Picayune | Submitted by: Bob_McBob
"An LSU student found dead in a noose last week on campus accidentally hanged himself while preparing for a theater performance, a spokesman from the coroner's office said Friday."

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A visit to the ruins of Devil's Island
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Bob_McBob
"Once there was no escape from Devil's Island. Now there is no access. The irony may be unintended, but visitors to what used to be the world's most infamous prison [well, it ties with Alcatraz and the Island of Australia] are now warned away by a sign saying, "Access to Devil's Island is strictly forbidden."

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Santa behaving badly: Steals oxycontin
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Barroo42
"No reindeer or sleds were observed in the area," said Spraker, who said he wanted any children hearing about the incident to know "we immediately contacted the North Pole and verified Santa was there. This Santa was definitely an impostor."

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Santa behaving badly: Moons Dubya
Wire Services | Submitted by: jj
"Television cameras cut to a shot of the President, sitting behind bullet proof glass, as he was laughing hysterically. Mrs. Bush, ever so dignified, chuckled and then smiled politely. It's not clear when Santa realized his pants were down, but the President couldn't let this one go quietly."

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Strict criteria for Irish lapdancers
Belfast Telegraph | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"This contradicts accepted practice by the Home Office, which refuses to give permits to non-EU lapdancers because of fears over accountability and difficulty in fulfilling the strict criteria. Following Home Office guidelines, the local Department would have to be satisfied that the girls possessed skills unavailable in, or of a higher standard than, any found within the EU."

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Sex shops to Utah: Suck it, bitch!
Salt Lake Tribune | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The past decade has been a boon for Utah's sex industry. Shops in Midvale and Roy offer tantalizing lingerie and sex aids. Topless maids tidy up in Davis County. Male and female escort services find a niche market... 'We have to allow them in our city, so we'll just put them in a really nice area,' said West Jordan City Councilwoman Natalie Argyle with a wink. 'Let's hope we don't get any, and let's get them as far away as possible,' replied Mayor Bryan Holladay."

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Rabies scientists 1, foxes 0, hedgehogs 0
Glasgow Sunday Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Foxes have been deliberately killed by the government in a secret experiment carried out in Scotland... State scientists poisoned the wild animals at a site in Dumfries and Galloway in order to test a new, lethal chemical known only as T3327... The experiment has been carried out since July on the vast military firing range at Dundrennan, near Kirkcudbright."

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Free will vs. totalitarianism in Hong Kong
Asia Times | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"'Should the government be allowed its way, there will be much more for everybody to fear. It will be a crime not to report to the authorities one's knowledge, or mere suspicion, that someone has committed treason'... The number of people turning out, to an extent annoying the police, constituted a voice so loud and clear that the government had to depart from previous stances of discarding them as minority."

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Key secret agent's cover blown in court
Glasgow Sunday Herald | Submitted by: Dr. Atomic
Government moves to gag press to protect identity of top IRA infiltrator as disgruntled spy sues PM over miscarriage. Fuck with my Ol'Lady will you!

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Man plunges from Galleria-area tower
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: j trotter
Apparently this 20 year old wanted to make a political statement but what he actually made was a splat: "A man who climbed the Williams Tower near the Galleria this morning plunged from the 30th floor and died, authorities said. Witnesses said it appeared the man jumped, and police this afternoon said the incident was a suicide."

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Italians don't want Lewinsky
BBC | Submitted by: Boat6float
"'We have prevented Italian families from watching something that is unnecessary and not very edifying on a Sunday afternoon,' said Mr Baldassarre, chairman of state broadcaster RAI... Critics of the prime minister say Mr Berlusconi has too much influence, exercising effective control of 90% of the Italian TV market."

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Great moments in socialized medicine
News Corporation | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"A Canadian woman was tipped off to the source of her abdominal pains when she passed through an airport metal detector, which sounded because of a surgical instrument left behind in her abdomen, CBC television reported today... The woman has since begun legal proceedings against the surgeon who operated on her over the summer."

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The wrath of Stein
Forbes | Submitted by: Meerkat
Ben Stein, host of "Win Ben Stein's Money", rails against the decline of education and good values in America in this Forbe's piece. Of course, Stein is a former speech writer for Richard Nixon.

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Atlanta infested by vermin
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: optional
"It took Rich Pistolese weeks to corral the rat that jumped on his wife. He finally nabbed the rat in a live trap after it had chewed through hoses in the dishwasher (three times), snacked on cereal and grits in the cupboard and eaten the bait out of several snap traps without triggering them. "My wife kept saying, 'That rat has outsmarted you again,' " Pistolese said. "I'll tell you, it's been an injury to my manhood here."

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The Wal-Mart Jihad
Denver Westword | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"They wanted me to operate the pharmacy and do all this other stuff," he says. "There were a lot of managerial type things; we did our own accounting and insurance billing. There were inventory and paperwork requirements, a multitude of things that needed to be done. It ultimately fell on me to get it all done. There were many nights they asked me to leave when they were turning the alarms on. I would say, 'I can't possibly get all this done,' and I was told, 'We expect you to get this done, but you won't get paid for it. If you want to work at Wal-Mart, that's the way it is.'"

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Darwin collects autoimmolater
AZ Central | Submitted by: f00f
"Crawford became enraged when his dog ran into the street and was unintentionally struck by a pickup Nov. 24 near East Flower Street and North Orchard Avenue, in midtown... The teen drove about two blocks before Crawford somehow jumped into the truck bed, found a can of paint thinner and began dousing the truck... When Crawford tried to ignite the truck, he set himself on fire, Borboa said. The paint thinner had spread to his clothes and body." He died.

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