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November 22, 2002

Scientist burns penis with laptop
ABC News | Submitted by: JJ
"The previously healthy father of two remembered feeling a burning sensation after he had been writing a report at home for about an hour with the computer on his lap. He noticed a redness and irritation the following day but it wasn't until he was examined by a doctor that he realized how much damage had been done." Skin starts to burn at 44°C. What make and model was the damn thing?

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Official poo-poos negative article
Denver Post | Submitted by: Dustin Mahatov
"The president of the Cheyenne County school board allegedly dumped a pile of horse manure on the counter of the newspaper in Cheyenne Wells Wednesday. Publisher Joyce Escudero said, "I don't know how many other newspapers get manure dumped on their counter." Cheyenne County sheriff's Detective Jeff Leflore said the case is under investigation."

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Terrorist attacks increased irregular heartbeats
American Heart Association | Submitted by: rambo
"The rate of life threatening heart rhythms more than doubled among New York heart patients the month after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, researchers reported today at the American Heart Association’s Scientific Sessions 2002." No shit.

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Blair's nanny state
Spiked | Submitted by: Tobermory
And you Americans think you've got it rough: "The constant theme here is that British people need the state to tell them how to behave nicely. Everything from parenting classes to penalties from parents of truanting kids, to tougher action against 'anti-social tenants and their anti-social landlords', is put forward as a solution to the fragmentation of society. Even those aspects of the Queen's speech that propose liberalisation of existing laws, such as the promise (yet again) to reform the licensing laws for the sale of alcohol, come complete with measures designed to get people to drink nicely."

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Sexual fantasies of a suicide bomber
Israel Insider | Submitted by: SeMeN SPeRmS
This is a crazy propagandistic article, but a fun read: "Israeli forensic pathologists were quoted in the press as noting that a suicide bomber's genital areas are often trussed in protective material to prevent (excessive) damage to the precious cargo... "I know my life is poor compared to Europe or America, but I have something awaiting me that makes all my suffering worthwhile. Most boys can't stop thinking about the virgins."

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Review: William Shatner, techno-idiot
CNN | Submitted by: Gay Spock
"Heeeeeeeeelllllllllpppp!" Shatner confesses in "Star Trek: I'm Working on That." "That's generally my first reaction when digital technology and I come face-to-interface. Well, truthfully, I don't usually scream out loud. It's more like a muffled whimper. But no matter how much I hide my sniveling, I am certain others around me notice the symptoms of the digiphobia that afflicts me. I break out into a cold sweat. My eyes grow big and white. My hands fumble for a book or newspaper, something ... old-fashioned."

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Woman injured in ram attack
The Age | Submitted by: AaronM
An 81 year old woman has been admitted to hospital after she was attacked and repeatedly butted for more than 20 minutes by a ram yesterday... Mrs Bottomley [her real name] said the ram probably coaxed Mrs Robinson into his paddock by sidling up to the fence to be petted, atactic he often used."

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PowerPoint presentation lands pastor in jail
Ft. Worth Star-Telegram | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"A 42 year old pastor and businessman was arrested Wednesday after an image of child pornography popped up on a projection screen as he gave a PowerPoint presentation to fellow employees... Officials at Exel Inc., a logistics company in Fort Worth told police Smith had just completed a presentation on Sept. 4 when he attempted to open another document on his laptop and a photograph of a nude young boy flashed on the screen."

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More on McDonald's pulling out
Guardian | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
Yup, we all know the world is going to hell in a handbasket now: "According to the Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention, first put forward by the New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman in the mid-1990s, no two countries possessing at least one branch of McDonald's have ever gone to war with each other. So the prospects for global peace must have diminished alarmingly this month when the Illinois-based fast-food chain and de facto world government announced it was pulling out entirely from three unnamed countries in the Middle East and Latin America."

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A great way to celebrate: set stuff on fire
Dominion Post | Submitted by: Sam
"Morgantown firefighters and police responded to scores of fires and mobs of rowdy students in the streets following WVU's upset of No. 12 Virginia Tech late Wednesday and early this morning. The first reports of rubbish fires and bonfires came in to MECCA 911 at about 10:40 p.m. and continued for more than two hours." Article boring but with nice pictures.

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Further Jackassery
Tiffin Advertiser-Tribune | Submitted by: painiac
"A Tiffin [Ohio] University student suffered serious injuries during what officials say was an attempt to imitate the MTV series "Jackass". [Can't anybody do anything stupid these days without it being blamed on television?] Chris Bear and Adam Ports were in the back of a truck and had started a chair on fire on TR 123 using hair spray and a lighter, then kicked the chair out of the back. Reports from the sheriff's office and Tiffin Police state that another group was following the truck, videotaping or taking pictures of the incident. The driver of the truck accelerated to about 40mph and Ports fell out, hitting his head on the asphalt so severely that he had to be Life Flighted to St. Vincent Mercy Medical Center in Toledo."

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Microsoft tells us not to trust them
The Register | Submitted by: mokesmay
Because of a fundamental flaw in the way ActiveX works, a rogue ActiveX control signed by Microsoft can't really be unsigned. The only way to stop your computer from being 0wned is to repudiate Microsoft entirely: "Without a hint of irony, the company recommends removing "Microsoft" from IE's Trusted Publisher list (accessible via IE's Internet Options menu), in order to prompt a warning whenever a Microsoft-signed ActiveX control attempts to install itself. The company is working on a more permanent fix."

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Feds lie about drugs link to car accidents
Fox News | Submitted by: boat6float
"Runge glibly justified the initiative by claiming, 'NHTSA estimates that up to 22 percent of drivers involved in fatal motor vehicle crashes have tested positive for illegal drugs.'" The initiative? Why no less than testing the effects of drivers doped up on illegal drugs whilst lying about the small link between the involvement of drugs with traffic accidents and purposely distorting data from many studies. The feds even went as far as "have[ing] paid researchers to test ‘drugged drivers’ in real traffic." When will we wake up and legalize it?

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Man cuts girlfriend with sword
WPXI-TV 11 Pittsburgh | Submitted by: joe u
"The man accused of cutting his girlfriend's hand off with a sword was arraigned after police were called to Hill Avenue for a domestic dispute Wednesday night."

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We love the father who rapes us
Independent Online | Submitted by: tazzy8jazzy
This family seems like real fun: "Tears flowed as two schoolgirls told a court how much they loved the father who had been raping them for years. Family members and others in the public gallery sniffed loudly and tears ran down their cheeks. The father could not face his daughters and sat with his head in his hands, wiping his eyes, while they told of their unending love for him."

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A python swallowed our friend
Independent Online | Submitted by: tazzy8jazzy
Yep we just watched in horror for two whole hours while the snake was digesting our friend: "Their claims have been treated with scepticism by some experts. But Craig Smith of the Fitzsimons Snake Park believes they are telling the truth. He went to the scene of the attack and said all the evidence suggested the boy had been taken by the python."

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The British: officially a constipated nation
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Prince Philip
About 54 percent of British workers are too busy to take toilet breaks, which means they put their health at risk. So says an unbiased survey by a laxative producer.

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Microsoft department endorses UNIX
The Register | Submitted by: Microslut
"An older MS internal whitepaper from August 2000 on switching Hotmail, which MS acquired in 1997, from front-end servers running FreeBSD and back-end database servers running Solaris to a whole farm running Win2K, reads like a veritable sales brochure for UNIX, but concludes that the company ought to set the right example by ensuring that each division "should eat its own dogfood [shit]."

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Ministers banned from knitting
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Woo
A New Zealand government minister has needled opposition lawmakers by knitting during a parliamentary debate... Rightist Act Party leader Richard Prebble said that while newspapers and correspondence are allowed in the chamber, computers and other devices are banned. "Knitting needles are a device," he declared... Retired parliamentarian Marilyn Waring, who admitted to knitting 32 garments during her nine years in parliament, said in her autobiography it had been the only productive thing she had accomplished in the debating chamber." And now they want to take that away from her.

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Schoolgirl uniform nixes Dad's boner
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Jade
"A father in Cape Town has walked out of a girly show after a petite stripper appeared in the elementary-school uniform worn by his two daughters." He apparently thought it was one of the elementary school kids moonlighting.

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New Russian economic plan: Vodka Sales
Pravda | Submitted by: anonymous
"The state is recovering the people’s property. Moreover, the state is recovering the monopoly it once had on the production of Russia’s all-time favorite beverage: vodka. The federal enterprise Soyuzplodoimport has recently recovered its traditional monopoly on the production of world-known vodka brands. The company has started producing Stolichnaya and Moskovskaya vodkas in the town of Chernogolovka, the Moscow region."

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Ballplay at Australian Army cadet camp
Courier Mail-News | Submitted by: meatload
"A number of Australian Army cadets were beaten and forced to watch an adult officer expose himself... He allegedly grabbed one boy by the hair and forced him to take a close look at his exposed genitals. As another cadet second lieutenant believed to be in his early 20s looked on, victims had boots thrust into their crotch, dust kicked in their face, water poured on them and sticks rammed between their buttock cheeks."

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Take this Bus and Shove It
Anchorage Daily News | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
"Irked at the behavior of a load of young students, an Anchorage school bus driver parked his vehicle at a busy Spenard intersection Wednesday and walked away, school officials said. No children were harmed, but some struck out on their own and walked home, North Star Elementary School principal Myrna Moulton said... "He was upset with some of the kids, some of the kids who weren't behaving."

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Australian doctor, colleagues pose nude
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Cr0w
Inspired by his nudist father and childhood memories of "big-breasted women" on mechanics' calendars, a northern NSW doctor has disrobed with colleagues for a 2003 wall-hanger. Great shot of naked people standing around an emergency room!

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Memo to RIAA: You're screwed
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Record industry attempts to stop the swapping of pop music on online networks such as Kazaa will never work. So says a research paper prepared by computer scientists working for software giant Microsoft. The four researchers believe that the steady spread of file-swapping systems and improvements in their organisation will eventually make them impossible to shut down."

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Boy paid 6 year old $1 for hummer
Athens Newspapers | Submitted by: Cr0w
"A 13 year old Athens boy has been charged as an adult with aggravated child molestation, the second juvenile to face that charge in as many months. The boy, who is not being identified by the Athens Banner-Herald because of his age, is accused of paying a 6-year-old girl $1 to perform oral sex, according to an Athens-Clarke police report."

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The Clap's second coming
Wire Services | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Drug-resistant gonorrhea is spreading through California and Hawaii: "Surveillance conducted in San Francisco, Long Beach and San Diego during 1999 and 2000 found that less than 1% of gonorrhea samples tested were resistant to fluoroquinolones, while nearly 6% of samples from Orange County showed resistance to the drug."

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Rodeo boss has cotton panty round-up
Dallas Observer | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"According to the lawsuit filed by lawyer Geoff Henley on behalf of former rodeo employees Latisha Marie Dudik and Tammy Elgersma, the two women were victims of harassment at the hands of their rodeo boss, Alfred "Butch" Overbaugh, that began with their underwear. Among other things, Overbaugh is accused of requiring the women to wear cotton panties and reserving for himself the right to check."

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Filling up in Marlboro Country
Chicago Tribune | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"A Humboldt Park man died Thursday of burns suffered when his clothes caught fire while he was pumping gas with a lit cigarette... David Gerena, 40, of the 1400 block of North Campbell Avenue, who suffered burns over 90 percent of his body, was pronounced dead Thursday at Cook County Hospital." Darwin +1.

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Ranch of Horrors
Las Vegas Mercury | Submitted by: Fecolithographer
It's not the "Chicken Ranch" and it's not a dude ranch, but according to multiple witnesses and an on-site reporter, it may be the hottest little home of UFOs, animal mutilations, disappearances and an array of other paranormal events in the country.

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Sheep charged with assault
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: JS Kiwi
A wild and woolly adventure for two New Zealand police constables ended with one of them handcuffing a sheep after it assaulted his colleague yesterday... "Unfortunately, it got a bit spooked and ran into a garage with one of the officers in hot pursuit," Mr Bardsley said. After a "minute or so" the ewe was first to emerge, followed closely by the constable, looking a little worse for wear." Whatever THAT means.

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