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November 18, 2002

Marge Simpson to get breast implants
Wire Services | Submitted by: asparagus uninterrupted
"Marge Simpson, previously known for her overly large column of blue hair, receives her amplified bosom because of a surgery mix-up on November 24. Marge intends to get liposuction surgery to impress her portly husband Homer, but she gets switched with another patient at the hospital and ends up with implants."

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Man's genitals attacked by flesh eating bug
Electric New Paper | Submitted by: Rob, the Flying Dutchman in Singapore
"Dr. Teoh found himself looking down at a full-blown case of Fournier's gangrene, a rare disease where bacteria attacks and eats away at tissue under the skin that's around the genitalia. As a result, the skin in that area also dies... At the end of the first four operations, his penis and testicles were effectively skinned, as well as the lower part of his abdomen and parts of his thighs."

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Hefner: Porn to be mild
The Age | Submitted by: hobitch
"The Viagra has worn off. Hugh Hefner has finally lost his sex drive. The 76 year old founder of Playboy magazine has directed his iconic publication to "pull back on the extent of nudity", and is even contemplating, horror of horrors, whether it's time to ditch the Playmate centrefolds altogether in a bid to halt declining sales." It's a sad day.

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The Third Rush: coke as the last Nazi weapon
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Jawol
"The Nazis developed a drug based on cocaine to boost the performance of soldiers in combat during World War II. And they tested it on prisoners in 1944, a new report suggests." They tested this "D-IX" at Sachsenhausen.

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Mailbox mayhem leads to massive head wound
Lincoln Journal Star | Submitted by: Irmo
Should have gone with the five iron: A Lincoln man died Sunday afternoon after being injured about 12 hours earlier when a fragment of a golf club a friend was swinging to knock over mailboxes struck him in the side of his head, police said... A fragment ricocheted into the vehicle, causing a "puncture-type wound in (Brinker's) skull."

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The Sovereign Nation of Al's Strip Club
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Bammer
"An Ojibwe man has declared a piece of land in this tiny town a sovereign nation, opened a strip club and pledged to fight anyone who tries to mess with either. "There ain't no way on God's Earth that they're going to stop me", said Al LaFontaine, 82, of St. Paul... In 1959, he offered to sell a third of North Dakota to the Soviet Union and he's put forth a variety of schemes to build casinos on land that he's bought and declared sovereign."

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Giving the dog a bone
Canoe | Submitted by: False Prophet
A large dog that tried to chomp on a police officer's private parts was recovering at the Humane Society yesterday after being shot in the chest. The shooting occurred late Saturday night after police were called to a glassed-in bank machine lobby of a building near Rideau and Cumberland streets at about 11:45 p.m. to check on an unconscious woman."

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Heads up, it's trash day
Fort Myers News-Press | Submitted by: Donna
"Employees at an east Fort Myers waste dump helped authorities track down a man accused of killing Oscar Tolbert, chopping up his body and loading it into one of their trucks for removal."

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Tastes Great, Less Filling, More thiamine
Guardian | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
UK scientists want to "medicate" liquor to help prevent heavy drinkers from brain damage, apparently missing the point as to WHY people drink heavily in the first place. Expect this to be the new "fluoride in the water" debate.

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Fed-Ex my sperm: DENIED
CNN | Submitted by: bKitten
"Justices rejected William Reno Gerber's claim that he should be allowed to ship his sperm to his wife... Gerber is serving a life sentence for firing a gun into his television set. He was previously convicted of illegally firing a gun and making terrorist threats. He was sentenced under California's three strikes law."

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Term papers to become thing of the past
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Students hate them, teachers hate grading them. Big school project assignments are slowly dying out. "'It's learning the facts to get good enough scores so it'll look nice,' Stoughton High School junior Deanne Katz said. 'You have to teach facts. We don't do research papers. We don't have time.'"

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Beard Liberation Front targets Harry Potter
BBC | Submitted by: Chairman Goodchild
"The Beard Liberation Front (BLF) objects to the "obviously false" facial hair sported by Robbie Coltrane and the late Richard Harris in the fantasy movie [Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]... Such "end of a broom" fakes give beardists ample ammunition to taunt bearded men, who are particularly targeted for abuse in the run-up to Christmas."

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Pencil tip sculpture
Stamford Advocate | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Amazing photos of art made by CARVING THE POINT OF A PENCIL. Equally strange photo of the artist himself: "Sitting in a tiny, sparsely furnished studio in a chilly Westport barn that he's reshingling, Ghetti, a carpenter by trade, explains why over the past 20 or so years he's devoted his spare time to carving miniature shapes and objects into pencil lead."

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Copulation, psychotropics, aural stimulation
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Summary of article: scientist dweebs live vicariously through gay sheep and ecstacy-eating rats: "As brain-imaging becomes more and more sophisticated, researchers are ranging further and further afield, stretching the bounds of serious scientific inquiry with some decidedly unusual, if not titillating, investigations."

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Bachelor show leaves the best parts out
richmond.com | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"There were five girls and the makeup artist in the limo. The makeup artist got carsick and threw up all over the limo. We were all gagging, feeling sick. Some of the girls had vomit on their legs. But the worst thing was that we were under strict orders not to speak to one another... We had to pull over. The driver tried to clean it up. Because, you know, on the show, the limo pulls up to Aaron's house and there couldn't be vomit all over the side of the car."

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Nibbled to death in Hawaii
Monterey Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The Big Island of Hawaii boasts natural hot tubs along its shore, pools of sea water heated by volcanic flows that are particularly inviting to tourists. Carmel psychologist Herbert Wiesenfeld and his wife, Eleanor "Ellie" Weber, went swimming in one of those pools in Hilo in February 2001... Wiesenfeld, 72, was dead within 36 hours, felled by a fatal bacterial infection that his family blames on water that apparently entered his system through open sores on his leg, sores pecked open by nibbling fish in the pool."

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Don't Fuck with the Zahra Commando
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
At least she didn't cut off anything useful: "An Iranian man who gave his martial arts enthusiast wife an ear-bending over her tardy homecoming was given a brutal response when she lopped off his ear with a knife, reports said on Saturday. "My wife is a judo enthusiast and loves to go out into the streets and beat up young men. All the boys in our neighbourhood are afraid of her," her husband was quoted as saying by the Entekhab newspaper."

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Gay sex orgies and prostitutes in the Palace
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
Suspicions Confirmed: "Staff looking after the needs of Britain's royals smuggled male prostitutes into the palaces to indulge in sex orgies, the tabloid Daily Express reported on Monday. Former royal servant Liam Brooks, 30, himself a homosexual, told the sensationalist daily that prostitutes of both sexes had roamed the palaces unchallenged, despite the obvious security concerns."

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Wide receiver shoves Sharpie into tight end
Fayetteville Observer | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"Seven Methodist College football players were charged Thursday with hazing another student in the team's locker room after practice Monday. One of the players, senior wide receiver Antonio Wilkerson, was charged with a second-degree sexual offense. He was released on $5,000 bond. There were also attempts to write on the victim's naked rear end before one participant, identified as Wilkerson, sexually assaulted the victim with the pen, the report said."

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