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November 15, 2002

Mickey Mouse at least 700 years old
The Age | Submitted by: Deth Vegetable
During a recent church renovation in southern Austria, preservationists discovered what appears to be a long-lost relative of Mickey Mouse. Depicted in a mural dating to around 1300 AD is a bipedal figure bearing an eerie resemblance to the 1928 cartoon character, complete with big round ears, pointy nose, and two-toned coloring scheme. No word yet from Lawrence Lessig as to how this might affect the Walt Disney Company's copyright (which was recently extended through an act of Congress). With "separated at birth?"-style photos.

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Gay linguists not cunning enough
Knight-Ridder | Submitted by: Damitol
The Army, and the US Government in general, needs linguists who specialize in Arabic and other mideastern tongues more than anything right now. So what happens when it is discovered that some of those enrolled in Army linguistics training at the Defense Language Institute are homosexual? They are fired. We know where the priorities for the War on Terror are, now.

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Santa implicated in bank robbery
Canadian Press | Submitted by: jacintha
"A man dressed as Santa who tried to rob a bank in Penticton, B.C., says an anti-depressant drug made him do it... He was wearing a Santa Claus hat and beard and packing two guns when he walked into a Bank of Montreal branch in downtown Penticton."

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The CIA hunt for Noah's Ark
World Net Daily | Submitted by: oldestgoat
"The CIA has released two new documents that indicate the search for Noah's Ark reached the level of the White House, according to a report in Insight Magazine... One of those documents is a 1995 memo from an agent who had a conversation with John Hanford, who was then a member of Sen. Richard Lugar's, R-Ind., staff. Hanford spoke of a White House meeting under the George H.W. Bush administration in which Robert Gates, then national security director, showed off a satellite photo of the Mount Ararat area."

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Cocksucking is not adultery
Straits Times | Submitted by: Honkey Kong
"A group of 60 Taiwanese judges and lawyers concluded during an annual gathering that oral sex should not be regarded as intercourse, and therefore does not constitute adultery... A Taipei judge, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Taipei Times that the conclusion would influence decisions in future trials."

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Too many Bill Wyman
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"No journalist likes to get a letter threatening legal action, particularly one on creamy watermarked stationery bearing the imprint of a swanky Park Avenue law firm: "It has come to our and our client's attention... seriously misleading... unauthorized... cease and desist... your course of conduct... the commencement of legal proceedings..." As I read [Attorney] Siegel's letter more closely I was shocked to see that the "cease and desist" part had to do with me using my own name." Note that this guy had his birth name, Bill Wyman, years before the Rolling Stone changed his name to Bill Wyman.

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Canadians busted for banned TV channels
CBC Winnipeg | Submitted by: anonymous
This article is sort of misleading; it's not just "pirated" American dishes which are banned in Canada. This law also applies to any equipment capable of receiving "unapproved" channels (HBO, Showtime, MTV, ESPN). [Insert "People's Republic of Canada" joke here.]

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It's Pat: Cross dresser in lotto heist
KATU-TV 2 Portland | Submitted by: Dirty Sammy
"[The lotto winner is] apparently not Hillary Walls, a 27-year-old Lakewood person who claimed Monday night that she had won the jackpot. The Pierce County Sheriff says that the person was arrested Tuesday morning on a myriad of charges."

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Miss Cleo: Didn't see THAT coming
MSNBC | Submitted by: Ryan Duggan
"Under the settlement, the companies did not admit to breaking any law but agreed to stop trying to collect money from customers who called the service and to forgive about $500 million in outstanding charges. The service also must return all uncashed checks to customers." Five. Hundred. Million. Dollars.

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Bloody flags, naked coeds: Good times
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: I.P. TeAitchsee
"Three anti-World Trade Organisation protesters who stripped naked to lie on US flags and cover themselves... The women were arrested after they stripped naked and lay on US flags outside the MLC Centre, which houses the US Consulate in fake blood in Sydney today." Next year, jello?

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The real pushers work at Walgreens
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: motrinwoman
"Prescription drug deaths continue to rise in Florida, exceeding deaths from cocaine and heroin during the first six months of 2002 and continuing a trend that began more than a year ago... A South Florida Sun-Sentinel investigation published in May found almost 400 deaths from prescription drugs in 2000 and 2001 in a seven-county area of southeast Florida."

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Ferris Bueller's principal plus a 17 year old boy
Wire Services | Submitted by: el
"Actor Jeffrey Jones, best known as the suspicious high school principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," was arrested Thursday for [allegedly] having sex with a 17 year old boy and possessing child pornography, authorities said. Police began investigating Jones last November after a minor came forward and claimed "alleged criminal acts of a sexual nature."

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Earth opens up, eats barn
Austin American-Statesman | Submitted by: meatload
"Bob Bonwit... was walking to his barn to feed carrots to his horses when he discovered the sinkhole had engulfed the barn. By the time Seminole County sheriff's officials and other fire-rescue personnel had arrived, the older horse, Jack, 17, had drowned. The other horse, 13-year-old Magic, was perched atop the dead horse, barely keeping its nose above water."

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Britian's history of Cocks and Crappers
The Register | Submitted by: meatlaod
"It's good to see that the UK's 1901 census site is finally up and running... Indeed, at a time when giving a false statement to a census officer would at best result in transportation to the Antipodes, and at worst have the miscreant dancing the Tyburn jig, we can only admire commercial book keeper Alexander Penis, of Liverpool, Fanny Clam of Huddersfield, and August Wanker."

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Gibraltar says No
Spain for Visitors | Submitted by: John Ross
At a time when rights and liberties are under threat from so many directions, the same rights and liberties need especially energetic defense. Or does someone need to go back and write "Leviathan," "The Social Contract" and "Rights of Man" all over again? Do Britain and Spain want to ignore the human rights of those living in Gibraltar and not give them the in particular the right of self determination?

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Indonesia: A silly place to live
UPI | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"A volcano in Indonesia's crowded West Java province erupted Friday, belching thick smoke up to 3.7 miles into the sky, sending hot ash and lava onto nearby areas, and triggering panic among residents in nearby areas... Indonesia has the world's highest density of volcanoes with 500 located in a so-called "Belt of Fire" along the 3,000-mile-long archipelago. Of these, 128 are active, with 65 listed as dangerous."

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Frozen eyeball collection
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A research collection of about 500 frozen eyeballs has been transferred from Philadelphia to the Cleveland Clinic. The move will be completed next week with the arrival of about 500 more eyes and eye sections in Cleveland."

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Congolese suicide torcher jumps to his death
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
If at first you don't succeed: "A man who threatened to torch himself on top of a Pretoria building this week, jumped to his death on Friday, police said. David Leon on Wednesday disrupted traffic when he took up a position on top of a building on the corner of Schoeman and Andries streets, threatening to set himself alight with petrol."

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Even worse than Texas prisons?
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
"You would never believe that such a prison was built for human beings." Those were the words used by Pollsmoor head John Jansen to describe South Africa's most infamous prison. Members of the Jali Commission of Inquiry listened in disbelief as Jansen told of conditions that make the prison, once home to the world's most famous prisoner, Nelson Mandela, a hell on earth for the outcasts of a brutalised society."

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Escaping prison is LEGAL in Mexico
Washington Post | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Mexico's legal system recognizes that all people have a fundamental desire to be free. And it does not punish them for pursuing it, as some inmates recently did by disguising themselves as female visitors and tunneling to freedom using a sardine can as a shovel... "The person who tries to escape is seeking liberty, and that is deeply respected in the law," Juventino Victor Castro y Castro, a Supreme Court justice, said in an interview. "The basic desire for freedom is implicit inside every man, so trying to escape cannot be considered a crime."

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Really cool pizza shop gets hassled
Canton Repository | Submitted by: meatload
"Your Pizza Shop at 420 12th St. NW is advertising a "420 special" for anyone with the "munchies." Since early summer, the business has been using the code number advertising daily specials, such as Munchie Monday, Toasted Tuesday and Green Leaf Wednesday. [One overly concerned busybody] threatened to return later and remove the letters herself. Amsden informed her that he would call the police and file criminal charges." Unfortunately for Amsden, there is no crime for which those charges can be filed. D'oh.

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Family keeps son's body, prays resurrection
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A Silverthorne, Colo., family is praying their dead 2 year old will rise from the dead. Zion Jungck died Sunday when a filing cabinet fell on him in the family living room. Valerie and Paul Jungck said they are praying for a miracle and have turned his fate over to God. "It's legal," said Dave Joslin, the Summit County coroner. "But it doesn't happen every day."

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If not successful, try, try, again
Wire Services | Submitted by: What The?
More resources being wasted on studies that any person can conclude with common sense. Scientists have discovered that "the rate of suicide for people who have attempted suicide is 100 times higher in the year following the episode than that of the general population." Perhaps scientists can perform studies on the rate of suicide for people who have attempted suicide and were successful, in the year following the episode.

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Biosuit technology still fucked
Army Times | Submitted by: Elizabeth
The Army demonstrated equipment for detecting and identifying chemical and biological weapons Tuesday, and offered an unintended lesson when a soldier wearing a stifling protective suit collapsed in the heat of the television lights... Tuesday’s news conference was meant to publicize the Army’s Tactical Escort Unit, which provides experts to identify and try to defuse possible chemical or biological weapons."

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Argument over hairy asses leads to slashing
Express-Times | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"Emmanuel Nieves, 23, of the 400 block of Mountain Lake Road, Great Meadows, allegedly used a knife to slash the face, ear and cheek of his alleged victim, Erik Saporito, 21, of Russling Road, Independence Township... Police said the two men were apparently arguing about who had the hairiest derriere when they began fighting in a parking lot at the Warren Village apartment complex on Allen Road, police said." This seems easy to settle with drop-trou; we wonder why violence was involved.

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ZDnet claims spam will eat Internet
ZDnet | Submitted by: Jessica
"Imagine an Internet with no e-mail. As ludicrous as it sounds, it could happen. And it won't take some new virus or worm to render the Internet useless. All it will take is unsolicited commercial e-mail, otherwise known as spam." This article is a bit too much on the panic & hysteria side.

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That's DOCTOR Kidnapper to you
ABC News | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"He was convicted of kidnapping a college student and burying her alive. Now Gary Steven Krist has a license to practice medicine... Authorities said Krist, then 23, and a female accomplice abducted Mackle, a student at Emory University in Atlanta, at gunpoint from a motel and drugged her with chloroform. They put Mackle in a wooden box with food and other provisions, and buried her in a remote area in Georgia."

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Phantom of the Popera II
Calendar Live | Submitted by: Big Daddy G
"A lot of times, doctors are trying to help patients, but it comes down to a judgment call. I always say that plastic surgeons can operate on the ears but not on what's between the ears." No mention of the fact that some plastic surgeons are greedy unethical bastards."

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Jagger wants to make 17-year-old's fingers sticky
Sun | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"The parents of a 17-year-old Swedish supermodel yesterday warned randy rocker Mick Jagger: "Leave our daughter alone." The wrinkly Rolling Stone, 59, began phoning stunning blonde Caroline Winberg after falling for her at a Paris fashion show last summer. But Caroline spurned his invitation to join him on his current world tour. And she claims he leaves her cold because she is too young to have heard his music or be impressed by his rock god status." If 17 is ok for Ferris' Principal, it's ok for Mick.

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