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October 29, 2002

Teabagging with Catholic schoolboys
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: The Maelstrom
"The suspects are accused of restraining the 15 year old victim and slapping him in the face with their genitals, an act known as "tea-bagging"... Last Thursday, the two suspects were arrested by city police and charged with indecent assault, unlawful restraint, involuntary servitude and conspiracy. They were fingerprinted and photographed at the Allegheny County Jail and then released to their parents pending a juvenile court hearing."

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Spammers complain spam lost in all the spam
internet.com | Submitted by: Soylent
An organization of spammers has the audacity to proclaim that their spam is getting lost in all the spam: "We are member driven and we are getting feedback that their messages are getting lost in the clutter. Readers are just deleting all messages." Words of Jim Conway, VP, Direct Marketing Association.

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Dear Saddam, How Can I Help?
Wired | Submitted by: wingnut
"The message, sent from an MSN Hotmail account on a computer in China, recommended the use of methyl bromide, an agricultural pesticide, as an effective chemical weapon against the U.S. Army.The chilling electronic missive was among hundreds evidently sent to Iraq's president last summer from people around the world. The e-mails sent to press@uruklink.net were obtained earlier this month by first clicking on a link labeled "Check your e-mail in Uruk" on the homepage of Iraq's state-controlled ISP, Uruklink.net, then guessing the login name and password, both of which were the same five-letter word." We don't need no stinking cybersecurity here!

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Man cuts cat's tail off, eats it
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A man in Deland, Fla., reportedly tortured and dismembered a cat before eating its tail because it apparently moved his keys, according to police. Authorities said that James Richie cut the whiskers and eyelids of a stray cat and then cut 8 inches off the cat's tail."

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Woman thrown shitty birthday party
Leeds Today | Submitted by: wingnut
"Joanne and fellow third year students on the environmental bio-geo science degree course had asked for a tour of the site to help them with their studies. But she was in for a shock because when she arrived she was presented with a birthday cake, party hats, balloons and streamers. Joanne, who lives in Headingley, Leeds, said she was stunned when Yorkshire Water staff presented her with a birthday cake. "A sewage works wasn't exactly what I had in mind for my 21st birthday."

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Bathroom break spurs traffic jam
Aftenposten | Submitted by: Spookbabe
Toll collector takes a potty break and traffic piles up. "Geir Kalheim of Falken Oestfold, which operates the toll booths, tried to shrug off the incident when contacted by Aftenposten's Internet site. 'When you have to go, you have to go', Kalheim said."

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Kansas cannibal case moves forward
Kansas City Star | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Sappington is charged with premeditated first-degree murder in the killings of 16 year old Alton "Fred" Brown Jr., 22 year old Michael Weaver Jr. and 25 year old Terry T. Green. The Kansas City, Kan., men were killed over three days in April 2001. Brown's body bore signs of mutilation. Police allege that cannibalism was the motive in those attacks."

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Enjoy a blood cocktail after long day of murder
Independent | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"One of them knelt over Stevens' body and brought a container filled with blood, which they mixed with alcohol and shared among themselves," the witness, who cannot be named for his own protection, told the High Court judge, Benjamin Paradza."

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Butcher denies slaughtering woman or pigs
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Chop Suzy
"A Chinese man who is facing murder charges in Johannesburg has claimed, in his defence, that he was never a butcher. He'd killed a chicken, but never a pig or a human, he says. But his co-accused says he saw the man drag a woman's body into the shower, cut her up and then boil the body parts in a huge pot on a gas burner."

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Translating the Bible into dipshit
News Corporation | Submitted by: Taleya
"A Christian group is translating parts of the Bible into a language most young Norwegians understand: condensed text messages for mobile phones. To demonstrate the idea, Bjorvand translated one of many versions of the Lord's Prayer from English to SMS. Fthr n hvn. u r holy. Come. Rule earth as hvn. Giv us food.)"

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American Graffiti in Scotland
The Scotsman | Submitted by: optional
"In a dank vault in Edinburgh Castle, a captured American revolutionary carved a symbol of defiance against Great Britain. The graffiti version of the Stars and Stripes is one of the earliest known depictions of the American flag in Britain and is to be one of the highlights of a new tourist attraction being created as part of a UKP 3.5 million revamp of the Castle."

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Closet-pooping football player cops a plea
WPLG-TV 10 Miami | Submitted by: meatload
"Najeh Davenport is now with the Green Bay Packers, but it was his actions in a Barry University dorm room that got him into legal trouble. A female student at Barry told police she woke up in the middle of the night and found the football player in her closet defecating into her laundry basket." But the best quote comes when it is stated that it's unnecessary now to dig to the bottom of this situation.

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What Winona told shoplifting security
CNN | Submitted by: Mikya
"When she was detained after allegedly stealing merchandise from a Beverly Hills department store, actress Winona Ryder told security guards that a film director had instructed her to shoplift to prepare for a movie role, a witness testified Monday." Uh-huh, luckily Wesley Snipes didn't go around killing random people to prepare for his role in Demolition Man.

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Man lives with brother's decomposing body
Shropshire Express and Star | Submitted by: meatload
"An elderly Black Country man lived with the decomposing body of his brother for days and did not inform the authorities he had died, an inquest heard. Fred Tarbuck told police his 72 year old brother Cyril was sleeping when they called at the home... But officers asked to be let inside and found Cyril slumped on an armchair in the lounge surrounded by flies and maggots."

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Two gay men and a Shih Tzu
New York Post | Submitted by: Marla Jones
"[Rudy Giuliani's] an ultra-liberal," Sanders huffed. "His wife kicked him out and he moved in with two gay men and a Shih Tzu. Is that South Carolina values? I don't think so."

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Christian version of X-files coming to TV
Sci Fi | Submitted by: meatload
"The series will follow the development of Nicolae Carpathia's global command center and chronicle the Tribulation Force's efforts to undermine and expose the man they believe to be the biblical Antichrist, the company announced." Sounds like a winner.

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Man microwaves dog
Springfield State Journal-Register | Submitted by: Bob_McBob
Urban legend became reality: "A man accused of microwaving his girlfriend's dog over the weekend was charged Monday with a felony and is being held in the Sangamon County Jail on $10,000 bond."

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Pig Shoots Man
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Bammer
Earlier in the week, Dog Shoots Man, now it's porcine: "A man was fatally shot in a hog butchering accident, the Becker County sheriff's office said.The animal initially fell backward but then jumped forward, knocking the shooter down and causing the rifle to discharge. The bullet struck John Matson, 55, of Frazee. The shooting was ruled an accident. Authorities said the hog was shot with a .22-caliber rifle by one of the men doing the butchering on Saturday on the Arvid Matson farm near Frazee."

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Elderly display bias against the elderly
Omaha World-Herald | Submitted by: Rev. Dr.
"Among tens of thousands of people tested, more than 80 percent associated old faces with negative words such as 'failure' or 'agony,' while similar bias against blacks showed up in about 70 percent of white and Asian test-takers." Of course. Old people are old. This is a surprise?

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God still hating fags
Lexington Herald-Leader | Submitted by: Incubus
"It'll be Phelps' second Kentucky appearance. He and his followers waved "God Hates Fags" signs near the entrance of Fort Campbell after a gay soldier there, Pfc. Barry Winchell, was beaten to death with a baseball bat on July 5, 1999. Phelps said he has held thousands of anti-gay protests across the United States. Yesterday, Phelps called gays and lesbians "vile, hell-bound beasts" and accused the priest who baptized the infants of being "demon possessed."

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Mystic serpent launches fireballs
Bangkok Post | Submitted by: victor charlie
"The annual Bang Fai Phaya Nark festival, in which mysterious fireballs rise from the Mekong river, proved a resounding success this year, drawing around 400,000 visitors to Nong Khai and injecting more than 50 million baht into the local economy."

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Those Wacky French
The Indy Channel | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"A French woman who became angry while being scanned with a hand-held metal detector at the Evansville Regional Airport was arrested Monday. Police said the arrest came after the woman removed her shirt and bra in the terminal." European armpit hair is not a crime.

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Why naming your children is so important
The Indy Channel | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"A 23-year-old man is accused of killing his mother over the weekend. Brad Passwater was being held in the Madison County Jail." How can someone blessed with a name such as his not want to kill his parents? Also why didn't he change it?

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Psychologist in deep for hypnoporn
San Francisco Examiner | Submitted by: Number-6
"A viewing of the videotape shows Gootnick appearing to hypnotize Gharemani by circling his hand in front of his face. The patient then disrobes and moves in a robotic fashion through an elaborate series of nude poses. The video shows the nude patient pacing, stomping his feet, rubbing his genitals, sucking his thumb and crawling on the floor."

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