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September 09, 2002

Man cut Virgin Mary Tree
Fresno Bee | Submitted by: Jube
Somebody cuts down a tree whose bark bore a vague likeness of the Virgin Mary, and who do the locals immediately blame? That guy who likes to drive around town with a big swastika flag waving from his pickup truck, of course. It does seem kinda fishy when that guy winds up on the local TV news announcing to the world that he considered the tree an eyesore. "We knew we were looking at him from the get-go. We were just hoping we could find something to charge him with," Lt. Robert Kandarian said. "Then he goes on TV and says he did it."

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Man beheads daughter believing she was raped
Wire Services | Submitted by: Breadwinner
An Iranian decapitated his seven-year-old daughter after suspecting she had been raped by her uncle. (Which, incidentally, turned out to be untrue.) In an ironic twist, the murderer is effectively immune from the death penalty, because only the father of the victim has the power to demand that sentence under Iranian law.

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Sizzle, woof woof chomp, sizzle
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Aaron Ruimy
"Johnson cut up the girl's body and told Tribblet to cook it. But they stopped because there was so much smoke that a neighbor summoned a Chicago Fire Department truck. Some of the remains were then fed to dogs, and the rest were dumped into a pot of acid."

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Beer science perfects the Pour
Financial Post | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"What is also unique to the system is that a glass can be held straight, as opposed to an angle, without affecting the quality of the head. Usually, it's the positioning of the glass that guarantees the quality of the head."

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Creek claims second paraplegic man
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Idle Hands
"For the second time in about 10 weeks, a paralyzed man apparently has ridden a wheelchair into Buck Creek and drowned... Claude Dotson was walking his dog on the bike path on Wednesday morning [and] saw Davis' wheelchair on its side in the water. 'I just thought it was laying there until I looked down in there and I saw a foot,' said the 82-year-old retired truck driver." Best line: "He loved NASCAR and had a Dale Earnhardt "3" license plate attached to his red motorized wheelchair."

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Hijackers shoot handicapped girl for being slow
AZ Central | Submitted by: CJ
"A mentally handicapped girl who was shot because she was too slow to leave a school bus being hijacked has died in a Cape Town hospital, police said on Thursday. A police spokesman said Monique Valentine, 16, was with eight other pupils of the Oasis special school in Delft, near Cape Town, when three armed men stopped their bus and ordered the children out early on Wednesday. She was shot three times when she took too long to leave the bus, the spokesman said."

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Cancer sniffing K9's
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Bungknuckle
Here boy, Sniff my bunghole: "British researchers hope to train dogs to sniff out prostate cancer. The move follows anecdotal evidence of dogs detecting cancer in their owners before the latter are diagnosed by doctors. In California, researchers claim to have trained a poodle to sniff signs of lung cancer in people's breath with an 85 per cent success rate."

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Monsterboy
Expressen | Submitted by: Arch
A boy gone wild with bodybuilding, sporting muscles that are entirely too large. Article in Swedish but with a picture.

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Thousands flock to see weeping Madonna
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A weeping statue of the Madonna is creating a frenzy among Roman Catholics in western Australia. Thousands of people have flocked to a local church to see the phenomenon, but skeptics say it's probably a trick or the result of some type of condensation on the statue. The Catholic Church has had no official comment."

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Imminent gas shortage overseas
BBC | Submitted by: Chris Hansen
"The Diocese of Gloucester has banned donations of baked beans at this year's harvest festivals because they cannot get rid of them... "I think they (refugees) think 'What is this strange British custom?'"

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Nailgun pierces brain via eye socket
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A Santa Clarita, CA., man is recovering after a spike from a nail gun accidentally went through his eye socket and penetrated his brain. Jorge Hernandez, who is a construction worker, was using the nail gun to assemble ladders when he mistakenly hit a piece of metal with the gun instead of a hole. The nail ricocheted and struck him in the eye socket. He does not have brain damage. With X-ray pic.

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Videotaping of D.C. landmarks causes alert
KMBC-TV 9 Kansas City | Submitted by: Ted
"Security agencies in the nation's capital reportedly are on alert after a man was seen videotaping the Washington Monument, the Pentagon and other buildings." Tourist does sound a bit like terrorist.

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Toilet talk: communication via poop chute
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"It's called toilet talk. And jailers say it's disgusting and destructive. Some inmates in Medford, Ore., are using toilets to communicate by clogging them, which fills the pipes with air, said Jim Warren, Jackson County (Ore.) jail commander. With the pipes filled with air, inmates can shout messages to one another."

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Briton thinks impotence drug name is a drag
Indianapolis Star | Submitted by: BonerWatch
Albert Cialis, an accountant in Kent, is asking Eli Lilly to change the name of its new male impotence drug, which happens to be called "Cialis." Apparently he's afraid that, in attention to British men's current reputation for stiff upper lips, he'll be known for something that can give you something else stiff.

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Putin: Islamic tradition just a fad
Washington Post | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Last week, President Vladimir Putin weighed in during a visit to this city, a mixture of mosques and Orthodox churches topped with onion domes. Putin scornfully dismissed the centuries-old Islamic tradition of head scarves as nothing more than a "fashion" that might disappear in a few years... "They say this is a fashion, and it will go away. This is absurd," said Adyatullina, 64, as she showed off souvenirs from her pilgrimage to Mecca. "For a Muslim woman, this is like telling us to go outside without pants on."

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Trail mix yields fastest erections in Canada
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Police are warning ravers and the nightclub set in this city of a substantial increase in a potentially harmful chemical cocktail that users call trail mix. The cocktail, according to RCMP Cpl. Scott Rintoul, is typically a blend of potentially deadly ingredients including methamphetamine, ecstacy, Ketamine and the sexual aid Viagra."

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Lies of the father
Christian Science Monitor | Submitted by: frodo baggins
Bush the elder lied to get us into the first Gulf War. "When the St. Petersburg Times in Florida acquired two commercial Soviet satellite images of the same area, taken at the same time, no Iraqi troops were visible near the Saudi border, just empty desert... These are all the same people who were running it more than 10 years ago. They'll make up just about anything... to get their way."

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Spazz sued over his contorted face
London Telegraph | Submitted by: f00f
More insanity in England: "A man who suffers from epilepsy has been ordered to pay compensation to a student who was upset by his contorted face during a seizure... The sheriff awarded a total of UKP 6,000 compensation, including UKP 1,500 for Mrs Rennie's slight injuries and UKP 1,000 for the fear of driving that she had developed."

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Hawk takes on 4 X 4
CNN | Submitted by: Crampon
"A red-tailed hawk collided with Wing's pickup truck Thursday, and after she freed the bird's wing from the side-view mirror, the hawk invaded the truck, bit Wing's lip and then sank its talons into her right arm... "Every time you touched the bird, it gripped harder," she said. "There was a point where it got so painful that I was going to reach down and break its neck myself."

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Uzi inventor dies
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"The inventor of the Uzi submachine gun, Uziel Gal of Israel, has died at the age of 79. The compact, quick-response weapon has become popular with security services and gangsters alike since its development in the early 1950s."

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Roadkill class in Ohio
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Col. Klink
"A dozen sixth-graders in this northeast Ohio town are searching for clues to life's mysteries in the form of squished raccoon, cats and other animals they find along the side of the road. The students in Tammy Hershey's sixth-grade science classes at Greene Middle School, nearly 50 miles southwest of Cleveland, were this year's only Ohio participants in a roadkill study run by a man known by the nickname 'Dr. Splatt.'"

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