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September 08, 2002

Butter-knife threat lead to MLB ass kicking
Sports Illustrated | Submitted by: D. Rango
Today's Rotten Sports report: "Yankees pitcher David Wells lost two teeth and was punched in the head when he was attacked by a man waving a butter knife at a diner early Saturday, police said." The unanswered questions: "Dinner" at dawn? Is a butter knife a threatening weapon? Why get so worked up over a comment about your mom?

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Cops arrive, idiot gunmen beg victims' help
Boston Herald | Submitted by: Angus Beef
"Two gunmen desperate to get their hands on a Hyde Park pizzeria's dough [humor courtesy of bad copy writer] took five employees and a lovey-dovey pit bull puppy hostage yesterday, then begged their petrified victims to lie for them when police showed up unexpectedly."

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Bear gets to man before pigs
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Idle Hands
"A grand jury indicted Scheu on July 18 on six counts of criminal nonsupport. He owes $23,000 in child support for one child, 'We started tracking him and had located him at a campground in Yellowstone,' Aldridge said. He said Butler County officials called police in Montana and asked if they would go to the campground and arrest Scheu. "They said no problem, they were sending a unit out there anyway on a report of a bear mauling," Aldridge said. "It turned out, the mauling victim was the man wed been looking for."

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Man's head caught between train, platform
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"A man has miraculously survived after he managed to stick his head through a 20-centimeter gap between a subway platform and an oncoming train that dragged him along, but did not hurt him badly, railway officials said Sunday."

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Pay up before you can rescue
Evening Post | Submitted by: wingnut
"Members of a lifeboat service were left scrambling for change after being told to pay the toll on the Severn Bridge. Until recently, the Severn Area Rescue Association's crews had never been asked to pay up when towing their lifeboats over the bridge and the Second Severn Crossing because of the good faith of the bridge operator."

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I was Saddam Hussein's lover
Observer | Submitted by: Salisbury Steak
"His son raped her daughter when she was 15. Now, after a terrifying escape from Baghdad and months in hiding, Saddam Hussein's on-off mistress for more than 30 years has finally broken her silence... 'When we met, I went to shake his hand, but he held me close and hugged me. That day we had sex again in the palace. After he finished he slapped me round the face and shouted at me, saying, 'I'm never weak in my life, except when I'm with you'."

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Mad Elk Disease
KOCO-TV 5 Oklahoma City | Submitted by: Incubus
"State workers in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, were destroying an elk herd Wednesday that was exposed to so-called "mad deer" disease. The 74 animals were being killed four at a time in a stock trailer, said Jack Carson, spokesman for the Oklahoma Department of Agriculture, Food and Forestry. The herd is the only one in the state infected with chronic wasting disease, officials said. It's been a masterpiece of bureaucracy."

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Giving alien space cults a bad name
Baltimore Sun | Submitted by: Marla Jones
"The reputed leader of a space cult in Carroll County, accused of plotting to kill a former business associate, was charged Friday with conspiring to murder two other people, according to court records... Caruthers has claimed to be an alien who communicated with a mother spaceship through cats, according to the writings of an organization known as Beta Dominion Xenophilia."

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Top ten 9-11 urban myths
Observer | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
It hadda happen: September 11 is the hottest source of urban legends. Among them: Osama bin Laden sightings, a Jewish-conspiracy hoax, domain-name registrations before the fact, a nine-months-later baby boom, and claims that bin Laden owns, among other things, the company that makes Snapple and Citibank Corp. Gosh, isn't bullshit fun? Doesn't it almost distract you from the even greater horrors of U.S. reprisals on Afghanistan?

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Devil::Jesus beatdown in NYC
New York Post | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"A New Jersey man was pummeled by a gang of "Black Israelites" in Midtown yesterday after he confronted them over a painting of Jesus with horns displayed as part of their sidewalk preaching campaign, cops said... His soon to be father-in-law jumped into the fray, but was pulled aside by several of the Israelites and forced to watch as the men stomped on Santiago's head and savagely beat him."

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Art film a big hit with horny teens
Times of India | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The controversial film Ek Chhoti Si Love Story is running to packed houses, but its director Shashilal Nair is an unhappy man... "This isn't the kind of audience I wanted for my film. Ek Chhoti Si wasn't made for rowdy, sex-starved viewers. It's a sensitive film about growing up...All the precious silences on the soundtrack are now drowned in catcalls, jeers and wolf whistles in the theatres. I don't want this kind of popularity for this film. I'm not enjoying a single moment of this tamasha (spectacle)."

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Georgia Power and Noose, Inc.
Law.com | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Georgia Power, the target of a suit over racist graffiti and nooses found at its plants, is refusing to let its employees be videotaped at a deposition with the offensive material... Georgia Power previously told the Fulton County Daily Report that the federal plaintiffs' emphasis on nooses is misplaced because some of them were nothing more than knotted rope used by linemen in their jobs."

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The #1 Aussie clothing related injury
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The 13 men and boys who have fronted up to Queensland hospitals in the past four years with trouser-zipper injuries to the penis are probably outnumbered many times by those who bear their affliction privately... Richard Hockey, data analyst at the Queensland Injury Surveillance Unit, reveals that "people probably try to treat themselves first. The embarrassment factor might put you off," he said."

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Olson 1954 LSD suicide linked to murder
World Net Daily | Submitted by: MarchesWithUrusus.rex
Prosecutors in the Manhattan District Attorney's Office have looked into possible connections between the 1953 death of CIA biochemist Dr. Frank Olson and the bizarre 1954 suicide of a Texas detective, WorldNetDaily has learned... Informally dubbed the Victims Task Force, the joint investigation was initiated in 1979 after U.S. Attorney General Griffen B. Bell notified the CIA in the fall of 1978 of his opinion that "the government had a duty to seek out and notify persons who may have been harmed as a result of their having been used as unwitting subjects of [CIA] drug experiments."

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