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September 07, 2002

Frozen piss boulder falls on Jewish home
New York Post | Submitted by: brojack
Work of terrorists? "A Long Island family had an unexpected visitor drop in for the Jewish holiday--a huge hunk of blue ice from an airliner, which crashed through their roof and trashed their bathroom in an explosion of frozen toilet waste... She returned just before 11 a.m. to find the ice, the icy contents of an airliner's toilet - on her front walkway and a hole in her roof."

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Prison: another animal sacrifice fire site
TwinCities.com | Submitted by: Bammer
"They said they wanted to tour the prison's massive twine factory after watching a homemade video that showed a blood soaked mattress on the ground, dead birds hanging by ropes from the ceiling and a message reading "U Die" spelled out in animal bones on a table. They said the video has been recorded by an acquaintance on August 28."

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Providence mayor gets 5 for corruption
Wire Services | Submitted by: Cannabis Kid
"Cianci's career was put on hold in 1984 when he pleaded no contest to charges he beat his estranged wife's lover with a lit cigarette, ash tray and fireplace log. After spending his five-year suspended sentence working as a radio host, he returned to office in 1991."

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Governor Ventura to Havana for poontang?
TwinCities.com | Submitted by: Bammer
A State Department official states: "First, I would ask them not to participate in sexual tourism, which is one of the main industries in Cuba," Reich replied. "Castro himself has ... promoted this exploitation of women and children, as one of the biggest reasons why European tourists go to Cuba." Earlier in the article, Gov. Jesse Ventura should cancel his upcoming trip to Cuba, a top U.S. State Department official suggested today, saying that "Castro uses these visitors as props" to cling to power.

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Fast food worker sues KFC over wiggly penis
Burlington Hawk Eye | Submitted by: wingnut
KFC/Taco Bell supervisors and employees subjected Bryan "to conduct that they knew would be particlarly offensive to her, and with the intent of offending her, due to her Christian beliefs," the suit claims. At one point, a coworker allegedly filled the finger of a latex glove with either a chicken strip or water, placed the glove in his or her unzipped pants and chased Bryan around the kitchen wiggling the "simulated penis." What would Jesus do? Turn the other cheek?

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Ambiguously gay wrestlers no longer ambiguous
Fucked World | Submitted by: John Berger
Billy and Chuck, the WWE's famously (but never overtly) gay tag team characters, came out of the closet this week on UPN's Smackdown, with Chuck proposing to Billy in the middle of the ring. The crowd's reception was somewhat mixed, but that didn't stop the no-longer ambiguous duo from scheduling their wedding for next week's show, incongrously being staged in Minneapolis. The big question going forward: Will they seal their commitment with a kiss?

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The new high-speed condom
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
College man? Too dumb to use a regular condom? Don't worry, manufacturers are hot on your case. To wit: "This prompted South African life insurer Metropolitan to fund the search for an easier way to use condoms and so help reduce the spread of HIV, Tyrel Murray from Metropolitan told the BBC's Focus on Africa programme. 'People couldn't put it on the dark,' he said of a traditional condom - a problem he says the new applicator solves." And it only takes 3 seconds, compared to a regular condom's 30-40 seconds of passion-killing fumbling!

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Standing in boiling water
This Is London | Submitted by: CJ
"Their daughter Ainlee Walker's emaciated body was found to have 60 injuries when she died. The wounds included cigarette burns and scalds to her feet, apparently from being forced to stand in boiling water. Ainlee died from what a doctor described as 'the grossest of gross neglect'. She weighed just 21lbs."

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Inquest likely in death linked to dominatrix
Boston Herald | Submitted by: CJ
"The inquest is apparently an attempt to jump-start the stalled investigation into the death of Michael Lord, 53, who sought the services of professional dominatrix Barbara Asher in July 2000. He was never seen again. Asher, 52, told police at the time she dismembered the burly man known as `Big Mike' and dumped his double bagged body parts in northern New England."

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Burning Bush
Wire Services | Submitted by: captain Plinko
"A federal jury in South Dakota has found [Richard] Humphreys guilty of threatening to kill or harm the president. Humphreys had argued his comment about a "burning Bush" was both a joke and a prophecy, and that the First Amendment protected his right to utter those words." Update: Moses wanted for questioning.

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How to make fun of the Titanic tragedy
This Is Hampshire | Submitted by: Vormax
"A Hampshire survivor of the Titanic disaster has slammed American manufacturers who have made a novelty inflatable slide based on the liner... The slide's manufacturers, Cutting Edge Creations, boasts that it 'captures all the excitement of the famed ocean liner on its maiden voyage'." Outstanding illustration.

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Feco-avian madness in Boulder
Seattle Times | Submitted by: f00f
"As the birds settle in, there's another sound, reminiscent of the patter of a summer rainstorm. Only it's not rain. It's the steady "plop-plop" of thousands of birds defecating: splattering people, plants and property from eight stories up... The city of Boulder, which owns the 128 unit mobile home park, has prohibited residents from disturbing the birds."

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Women slept for twenty years
Pravda | Submitted by: anonymous
"After WWII was over, she remarried and gave birth to a baby girl. The new husband liked to drink, so there were a lot of quarrels in their house. After one of these quarrels, Nadezhda Lebedina cried and cried and then she fell asleep. This happened back in 1954. Nadezhda woke up twenty years later, in 1974. She doesn’t remember a thing of what was happening to her during that really long period of time."

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Fork Burgler strikes again
Stamford Advocate | Submitted by: Pilgrim
"After a two day jury trial, a city man was found guilty of attempting to break into a West Side apartment with a fork. Richard Serrano, 47, of 55 Taff Ave., Stamford, was convicted of one count of attempt at second degree burglary yesterday in state Superior Court in Stamford... Colombo said the 22 year old woman, who was home alone, called 911. The door opened and she saw fork prongs."

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ABC smuggling depleted uranium
Wire Services | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
ABC News smuggled depleted uranium (mostly unfissionable uranium 238, weakly radioactive) into New York, apparently to prove that major networks are willing to stoop to acting like terrorists if it gets them ratings.

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The Coca-Cola murders
Counterpunch | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Adolfo de Jesus Munera was a regional leader of the Sinaltrainal food industry workers' union and a former employee of the Coca-Cola plant Embotelladora Roman in the town of Barranquilla. Before Munera, seven other union leaders from Coca-Cola plants in Colombia have been murdered and others have been abducted and tortured. The attacks against the union activists are usually accompanied by threats to all Coca-Cola employees to quit their union."

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Maggots fall from corpse in above flat
Leicester Mercury | Submitted by: Stamford
"A tenant lay dead in his Leicester flat for three weeks and was only discovered when maggots dropped into the apartment below. Young couple Emma Payne and Ben van der Willik were initially puzzled when they returned from work to find their home in Clarendon Park riddled with larvae."

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