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September 05, 2002

Man had sex with traffic pylon
Edinburgh News | Submitted by: Concerned
"The 33-year-old has been charged with breach of the peace after police received reports that the man was engaging in a sexual act with the cone at the bottom of Calton Hill on Tuesday night. Alarmed passers-by called police and said they had seen a man trying to have sex with a traffic cone.

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Aircraft carrier captain sacked for losing control
Times | Submitted by: Meerkat
This story is, perhaps, more interesting for its description of the class structures aboard a US aircraft carrier, which starts about half-way through: "As you move up the 11 segregated levels towards the pilotsí quarters beneath the deck, the living quarters become larger, the air cooler and the skin tones lighter. Officers exist in almost total ignorance of the teeming world beneath them, passing around second-hand tales of murders, gang-fights and drug abuse."

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Man and dog in bed, struck by lightning
Saskatoon Star-Phoenix | Submitted by: Mighty Tim
"Schmid, 24, awoke early Friday morning to find himself lying at the top of the stairs, his left leg hot and aching, his left foot twitching and his heart racing. Schmid said he was there for a moment, dazed and confused in the darkness, until his Rottweiler puppy Conga came whimpering out of the office across the hall. She, too, was quivering and weak."

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Santa, sex toys, toddlers and porno
Independent Online | Submitted by: Mackeaveli
Proving once again that the gene pool is severly depleted, a man and woman film their sex fantasy involving Santa and sex toys, while their infant watched and was filmed along with them: "Londt told the court that the purpose of the presence of a toddler, playing with a sex toy, while McNeil was having sex with her mother, was to 'nurture and groom' the child for future paedophile activities."

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Child merits ass whooping
Independent Online | Submitted by: Mackeaveli
"The child, who was not named, found his father's wallet stuffed with banknotes and ripped them into tiny pieces before throwing the remains out of the window. The previous evening, his grandfather had told him that "money is just worthless trash".

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New mental illness: not getting along
Washington Post | Submitted by: Meerkat
Some of the nation's psychiatrists are trying to create a whole new category of mental illness: "relational disorders". Just as other age old human dilemmas and challenges have been made into pathologies, they now want to convince us that something as ordinary as 'not getting along' with someone is now a mental illness for which we need to be medicated.

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Baby thrown into river. In a sack. With bricks
Herald Express | Submitted by: Robert Hardie
"The naked child, with its cord still attached, had been wrapped in a white unmarked towel and placed inside two white plastic sacks. They had then been weighted with a house brick and police believe they had been placed in a stream which runs into the Teign Estuary. The child is white and has no obvious deformities or marks. Det Insp Dave Taylor said the sacks were similar in size to the average bag of potatoes."

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Stupid man, stupid crimes, stupid death
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Idle Hands
Darwinism in Dayton. Jay Grainger and his brother were spotted throwing trash from a bridge at a fireworks show. Cops told them to leave, but the pair came back before the cops left the scene. Given a second chance to leave, Grainger threw a beer can at the officers, jumped onto the bridge's bordering wall, fell off, and, thankfully, died.

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Stealth advertising
Time | Submitted by: Meerkat
As people get better at avoiding TV commercials, the advertising industry is resorting to hiring mole advertisers to hype their products. Beware of that friendly, well dressed stranger who keeps talking about his new watch. He may be a living, breathing, walking commercial.

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Aliens to assist America's attack on Iraq
Pravda | Submitted by: Santa Cruz Mike
Pravda once again goes off the deep end: "An American officer, who wished to remain anonymous, affirmed that aliens took part in a military exercise that took place in Arkansas several years ago. "There are some things that I cannot talk about. Yet, I think I can say something. They were like little people, about one meter high". The officer also said that a helicopter arrived soon and took the "little people" away. The command strictly ordered everyone to maintain silence about the event."

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Terrorism experts are the leading cause of terror
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Santa Cruz Mike
Ridiculous grandstanding by the RAND Institute: "A little-noticed study ponders the unthinkable: What would happen if a terrorist unleashed a chemical, nuclear or biological weapon in the nation's most populous state? The answer is as chilling as the question: In a worst-case scenario, as many as 3 million Californians would perish."

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Commissioner's pants stolen after card game
Daytona Beach News-Journal | Submitted by: JOPY-666
"City commissioner Ed Phillips didn't lose his shirt playing cards this week. He lost his pants. Phillips had to head home in his underwear after being robbed at gunpoint in his own district Sunday night. After Phillips' card game with friends at an African-American fraternity clubhouse had ended, he stood on a street corner talking politics with friends. A car pulled up with two men wearing ski masks, Phillips said. One waved a gun and the other forced the men to take off their pants."

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Mobile phone antenna death ruled self-defense
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"A man who fatally poked a truck driver in the chest with his mobile phone antenna was found not guilty because he was acting in self-defense, a court said Wednesday." Ginsu antenna?

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Door to door terrorism
World Net Daily | Submitted by: CJ
Examination of a tape acquired from Al Qaeda sources seems to indicate that they are at least thinking about small scale terrorism within the United States, much as Israel and Palestine are subject to currently: "In another scenario, an innocuous-looking terrorist knocks on the door of a residence, standing in view of the resident and answering questions through a closed door. When the resident opens the door, the terrorist immediately draws his weapon and fires, emptying his weapon into the victim."

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Berkeley conspiracy hobbyists blame aliens
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Spookbabe
A puff piece because apparently there was nothing else to report on: "After Flight 93 came down in Pennsylvania, they saw a craft buzzing around. Now what was that? All earth air traffic had been grounded. And in the World Trade Centre, where are all the bodies? They were transported out first to be experimented on. Listen to me now, September 11 was all caused by aliens."

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German firm trademarks GAS ovens as Zyklon
BBC | Submitted by: Reading
"A year ago, Bosch Siemens Hausgeraete, the [Siemens] firm's consumer products joint venture, filed two applications with the US Patent & Trademark Office for the Zyklon name across a range of home products, including gas ovens." They try to explain that Zyklon is just Cyclone in German.

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Darwin now targetting boy bands
AZ Central | Submitted by: micah
"Doctors reattached three fingers to the hand of a 16-year-old pop singer after they were severed by a helicopter rotor as he waved to fans."

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Man loves himself, loves rape
Press and Journal | Submitted by: Stamford
Three soundbytes from this story: "A man accused of raping a woman at his Aberdeen home was obsessed and in love with himself, a jury heard yesterday... He also said he could not remember the more intimate details of the sexual encounter with the woman because he had slept with 13 women in 15 days... Yesterday, he admitted a further charge of assaulting a police woman by repeatedly placing his hand on her knee and grabbing her buttock."

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Animal sacrifice may have started wildfire
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Fire investigators believe a destructive Southern California blaze was sparked by an animal sacrifice ritual. The fire has burned 16,000 acres and destroyed more than 70 buildings... The U.S. Forest Service said investigators concluded that people using candles associated with a ritual involving animal sacrifices started the fire."

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Free speech only in designated free speech area
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: MongolMan
In case you were wondering if you had the Freedom of Speech anymore, this article will enlighten you: "Sixty-five-year-old Bill Neel wanted to needle President Bush in the spirit of the First Amendment... He refused to join other protesters inside the fence, saying the arrangement infringed on his right of free speech and reminded him of a Nazi concentration camp... "The police told me I had to be in the designated free-speech area. That's a contradiction in terms." Isn't the entire United States supposed to be a "Free Speech Area"?

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Your crypt in LA Cathedral, only $3M
Wire Services | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Visitors to Los Angeles' newest landmark can sip Starbucks coffee in the cafeteria, buy a bottle of Our Lady of the Angels chardonnay for $24.99, or secure a final resting place in the below-ground crypt for as much as $3 million, a practice unique to the Los Angeles cathedral. "I have never heard of this practice before of selling crypts under a cathedral," said Lawrence Cunningham, a professor of theology at the University of Notre Dame. "It's kind of like selling sky boxes."

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Elderly woman objected to swearing, beaten
Bakersfield Californian | Submitted by: anonymous
"Louveda Roberts said 75 years of living has taught her to ignore the kinds of people who use bad language. She made the tall man yelling profanities Sunday in her fiance's parking lot an exception to the rule. That exception punched and kicked her so badly that she had to be taken to the emergency room, according to Bakersfield police."

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Japs left buried treasure in China
New Jersey Online | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Suited up, they entered a trio of larger tents pitched over the site and worked their way delicately into the black soil using picks and shovels. Sandbags were stacked around the base of the tents to guard against leaks and explosions, and a surrounding swath of field 160 feet wide was marked off with rope and white paint. Japanese officials say about 700,000 chemical weapons remain in China from the Japanese occupation."

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Fine pitch black dining
Wire Services | Submitted by: Crampon
"I'm putting your plate right in front of you," Zimmermann said. "I can't find my mouth," one voice replied out of the dark. "I wonder what this dish is, Lasagne? Or some casserole?" another invisible guest said. In the "unsicht-Bar," which means invisible in German, diners cannot choose complete dishes from the menu but can only indicate whether they would like a fish, meat or vegetarian option."

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Pyroball
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A unique dodgeball-like game in El Salvador is taking extreme sports to a new level, according to a Local 6 News report. The annual fireball celebration in Nejapa features a play at your own risk game where residents throw balls set on fire at each other in what resembles a game of dodgeball gone awry. As the crowd calls out, the men hurl the balls not just at each other but at members of the crowd as well." With video.

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Chinese reporters a hornets nest of spies
World Net Daily | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Communist China's state-run news service has more reporters covering Congress than the Chicago Sun-Times and New York Post combined. More than the Houston Chronicle, in fact, or even Defense Daily. Yet Xinhua News Agency is considered by the Pentagon to be a front for Beijing intelligence gathering operations... How the official propaganda organ of a major police state, one with ICBMs aimed at U.S. cities, got around the rules is not clear."

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Heroic dead Bird may convict killers
CNN | Submitted by: D. Rango
"A hero cockatoo slain trying to protect its master from knife-wielding assailants may prove to be the star witness in the trial of its owner's suspected killers." Incriminating blood samples apparently came from a wound the bird pecked on the head of one of the suspects. But the bird (named Bird) "paid the price for trying to take on two armed foes. Bird has its leg cut off and was found dead in the kitchen, apparently stabbed to death by a fork in the back."

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Famous WTC 9-11 flag stolen
Fox News | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
The American flag in the photo with the 3 "digitally diversified" firemen is AWOL. It traded hands between the army and NYC officials, but the original owners claim their flag was smaller than the one returned to them. Watch it show up on Antiques Roadshow in 40 years.

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German Turks try to name baby bin Laden
CNN | Submitted by: JOPY666
"A Turkish couple [Auslander] living in Germany who want to call their child Osama bin Laden have been refused permission by German officials but are to appeal to a judge. Names can only be registered in Germany if they fulfil certain criteria. A name must clearly identify the child's gender and must not ridicule the child or be offensive."

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