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August 28, 2002

Jim Beam employees pissing themselves
ABC News | Submitted by: Pee Wee
"The United Food and Commercial Workers local said some of the 100 affected employees have urinated on themselves because they were afraid to leave the line. Some wear protective undergarments and others have feigned illnesses to go home and avoid getting violations, said Jo Anne Kelley, president of the union local."

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Palestinians forbid photographing armed children
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
"The Palestinian journalists union declared yesterday that news photographers are absolutely forbidden to take pictures of children carrying weapons or taking part in activities by militant groups, saying that the pictures harm the Palestinian cause... "We have decided to forbid taking any footage of armed children, because we consider that as a clear violation of the rights of children and for negative effects these pictures have on the Palestinian people." Perhaps they can explain to us how it is the photographer that is violating the child's "rights" and not the parents.

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Fat kids spark sodapop ban
Guardian | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"At present, more than half the schools in the US have exclusive deals with soft drink companies. This week the Los Angeles school district, the second largest in the country, with a responsibility for 750,000 students, is about to call a halt. They are poised to ban carbonated soft drink sales at all of their 677 establishments during school hours. What has motivated the action is research that indicated that almost half of the children in the poorest schools in the area are now either obese or overweight." Duh.

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Man screws herd of cows
Sun | Submitted by: Aussie Steve
"Pervert Stan Balderson was seen running from cow to cow wearing only a T-shirt, tennis shoes and sunglasses... 'What do you do with an 80 something year old who would do something like this?'" Article with photo of three cows who clearly wish to remain anonymous.

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Name your baby Turok, win $10K
CNN | Submitted by: The Turd Report
Video game publisher Acclaim Entertainment Inc. said on Tuesday it will give $10,000 in savings bonds to the first family to have a child on September 1 and name it "Turok," after Acclaim's new game of the same name to be released on that day. "People for generations have been naming their children for sports celebrities, movie star, musicians," said Acclaim spokesman Allan Lewis. "It's a natural evolution... people are going to start naming their children for video games." Righto.

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Your cigars bring me great pleasure
Wire Services | Submitted by: Brandon
A thank you note from Bill Clinton for Emilio Egeraige about some cuban cigars he received.

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Microsoft steps towards global domination
The Age | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Microsoft has unveiled its vision for the future digital media landscape and it's a world where content creators are king. Version 9 of its Windows Media technology, codenamed "Corona", to be launched in September as part of the Windows.NET server, gives media conglomerates complete control over the way their content is viewed by consumers... The sting is that a content licence can be revoked at any time by the copyright owner on application to Microsoft, which will then yank the offending content off the air. The purpose is to stop wholesale piracy of films, but swaths of cultural history could disappear forever if the content owner decides it doesn't want its intellectual property viewed by the public."

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So lets all walk instead?
Sky News | Submitted by: Reading
"A new report found average speeds on key London roads were just 2.9mph, less than walking pace... The paper claimed the driver of its survey vehicle watched a passenger of a van in front get out to buy a meal from a nearby fast food restaurant and stroll back before the van had moved 20 metres."

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Tooth found in arm
News Corporation | Submitted by: optional
"The cause of Jamie Ainscough's lingering arm injury had doctors baffled, until an X-ray uncovered a tooth belonging to an opposing player... 'I think he's sent [the tooth] back to St Helens centre Martin Gleeson in the post', said a gob-smacked [not even a word] Wigan coach Stuart Raper."

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Human body parts found in man's home
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A Gainesville, Fla., neurologist who worked at the University of Florida was arrested after police found preserved human body parts in his house. University police spokesman Joe Sharkey reportedly said that some of the heads, brains, arms and other body parts in vats were labeled as UF property."

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The Happy Birthday Parking Lot
Louisville Courier-Journal | Submitted by: KY Straight
"More than a century after Mildred and Patty Hill published the tune later dubbed 'Happy Birthday To You', Mayor Dave Armstrong has disclosed that a small parking lot just southwest of Main and Ninth streets will be called 'The Happy Birthday Lot'. It's no 'insignificant' honor to name the 17-space lot in the city's burgeoning West Main cultural district after the Hill sisters, Armstrong said."

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Guinea pig was not a robot
Ventura County Star | Submitted by: skippy
"An Oxnard man faces felony charges for torturing and dissecting his daughter's pet guinea pig because he thought it was a camera-equipped robot placed in his home by government agents, a prosecutor said Tuesday."

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Man screws frozen chicken
Sun | Submitted by: Horrible Marsupial Fire
"Shocked Jean Curtis, 47, claims ex-military cop Ian was clad in a blouse and rubber stockings as he lay on the sofa with the bird. She sobbed last night: 'My jaw just dropped. I said, 'You dirty bastard, thatís my Sunday lunch'. He was calm as you like and said, 'It's all right, we can still eat it'. I kicked him out." But after you look at the picture of the wife, you can certainly sympathize with the man's plight.

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Murder victim present for sentencing of killer
St. Joseph News-Press | Submitted by: Amy P
"Perhaps for the first time in Buchanan County, a murder victim was present for the judgeís sentencing of his murderer. Judy Johnson arranged to bring her murdered brother, Larry White, to court Tuesday... Her brotherís ashes, housed in a cherry wood box, rested on Ms. Johnsonís lap as Circuit Judge Patrick Robb sentenced Pamela Foley White as a 'cold-blooded killer'".

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Mopping up messy deaths
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Evil Jungle Prince
"Let's just say a 'standard' job will cost from $1,500 to $3,000. A shotgun suicide, more like $5,000... The smell is 100 times worse than you can imagine."

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Gay sex + baseball bat = sordid murder trial
Court TV | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Two babyfaced brothers charged with murdering their father recanted their confession Tuesday and testified against a family friend also on trial for the killing... "I was in love with Rick," testified Alex, whose voice was so quiet it was often inaudible. "He let me play video games and stuff. It was fun living at his house."

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Excuse for wreck: up late counterfeiting
Wire Services | Submitted by: Mike D.
"It wasn't exactly the best excuse he could have given. A Pennsylvania man told a judge that he dozed off at the wheel and crashed into a school bus, causing serious injuries, because he'd been up late the night before making counterfeit checks. He also fessed-up to not having a driver's license and to doing a little cocaine."

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Beverly Hillbillies to become new reality show
CNN | Submitted by: Dustin Prewitt
"The network will soon begin casting for a weekly half-hour series that will follow the adventures of a rural, lower-middle class family--yes, there will be a granny--as they are transplanted from their humble digs to a Beverly Hills mansion. The project is tentatively titled Real Beverly Hillbillies." Stay tuned for episodes featureing incest, boozing triggerhappy old men, and fiesty old ladies during the May sweeps. Only wish we were making this up.

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Tanning agent is bonerific
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Mayhem
"But during clinical trials with young men, there was a surprising side effect. 'They were coming to us and saying hey doc, something is going on here. The first male subjects we gave it to all got erections, from that point on we knew we had a different kind of drug', said Dorr."

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Culinary students in the hood
Boston Globe | Submitted by: meatload
"Police have responded to nearly 200 calls in the past year at the Dover, N.H. culinary school and dormitory and made 30 to 35 arrests on drug, sexual assault and other charges. 'It is an open-air drug market like we've never seen in the city,' Chief William Fenniman said of the dorm where nine students were arrested Tuesday. The chief wants to sieze the dorm now, based on a crack house law. 'Why do you need M-14s to arrest kids with weed?' one student asked."

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Urinal watcher professed his love
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: doofus
"A man who made a habit of watching other men as they used a toilet at JR Sapporo Station has finally been arrested after he grabbed hold of a young man and professed his love, police said Wednesday."

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Cocaine stashed in fake asscheeks
AZ Central | Submitted by: L. Goodwin
"A woman has become the butt of jokes [dig these wacky CP copywriters] by airport workers after she was busted trying to smuggle 2.2 kilograms of cocaine in fake buttocks. She was travelling with a one year old in a stroller when arrested last Saturday at Pearson International Aiport."

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Like father like son
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: amishwitch
Everyone knows that children learn best by example and that is perhaps how truck driver Ward Francis Weaver Jr. felt when he taught his own little boy Ward Weaver III the fine art of disposing of a body using a shovel and some portland cement.

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The White Power superstore
Tolerance.org | Submitted by: Soylent
"Thanks to Target, the nationwide department-store chain, students across the country may be heading back to school in hip-looking white supremacist regalia. The retail giant is selling shorts and baseball caps splashed with EIGHT EIGHT and 88, white-power code for Heil Hitler, because H is the eighth letter of the alphabet."

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