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August 15, 2002

Man's fingers rot off
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: Biggles
"Twenty months later two of his fingers have rotted and fallen off and he is still waiting for the other two to be amputated. He is crying out for the surgery to relieve the excruciating agony he has put up with for nearly two years." With great photo of his rotted fingers.

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Attorney gives murder defendent conjugal visit
Wire Services | Submitted by: PCM2
"A judge Wednesday removed a veteran attorney from a murder case after she allegedly was seen having sex with the defendant in a jail visiting room. Jail guards reported they discovered Theresa Olson having sex with Sebastian Burns, who is facing trial in the slayings of a couple and their daughter."

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New questions about gov't LSD death in 1953
BayArea.com | Submitted by: Fielding Mellish
Back to the notorious case of Frank Olson, an unwitting LSD victim of the US Government from 1953: "The documents show that two of the key officials involved in the decision to withhold that information were White House aides Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, today the nation's Vice President and Secretary of Defense."

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Bad gift idea #37
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Bo Orly
San Francisco's new police chief is a veteran homicide investigator and the city's first black Chief of Police. So you can imagine how upset he became after the arrival of an anonymous gift of three watermelons, to welcome him at his new job. After the story hit the papers, a sheepish court reporter confessed to being the anonymous admirer. Being Vietnamese, it is customary in her culture to give gifts of fruit to celebrate special moments. No word on why she didn't include a card.

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Small mice, Large balls
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Apsco17
"Scientists have managed to grow fully functional testicles on the backs of lab mice, experimenting successfully with the tissue of immature testicles from other mice, pigs and goats. Grafting tiny specks of testicular tissue from the newborn mammals, researchers induced most of them to grow to fruition, ultimately finding that they produced as much sperm as if they had remained attached to the donor animal."

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Man discovers he's flaming
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Idle Hands
"A Springfield man doused in a liquid and set on fire as he slept on a front porch was in critical condition Tuesday night at Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton. He woke up about 4 a.m. because he felt liquid being poured on him and found he was on fire. The flames on Wade were extinguished before firefighters arrived. He reportedly told medics at the scene, "I can't believe they lit me on fire."

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The case for keeping public potties
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"While some local authorities may prefer not to encourage the public passing of water, many realise that it is better to collect fluids than allow late night revellers to pee as and where they please. Westminster Council, for one, knows it can no longer turn a blind eye to what it calls "wet spots", the corners and doorways people duck into to take a leak. For uric acid passed by those waiting for night buses in Trafalgar Square has begun to erode the stone walls of the National Gallery."

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House zoned as cemetary = Keep mum forever
Rockford Register-Star | Submitted by: aporia
"A local man dubbed a 'recluse' kept his motherís body in a box in the basement for 10 years. 'What he did, however strange, distasteful, there is no evidence of criminal offense', Jo Daviess Stateís Attorney Glen Weber said."

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Wipe your ass with Shakespeare
Weekly World News | Submitted by: Missy
If not enough fun news, invent some of your own: "Some of those books hadnít been checked out in over 30 years... I mean, if Upton Sinclairís The Jungle comes up missing, who gives a crap?" ... "When we started to get complaints we were just stunned", ALB investigative officer Larry Jasper said. "One guy told us the ink on his 'toilet paper' had come off and he could literally read Shakespeare on his butt."

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Man charged after abusing kitten at park
Spokane Spokesman-Review | Submitted by: Sargeant Beautrice Mattress
"Spokane Police on Sunday arrested a man who was waving around a kitten in a plastic bag and telling people he was going to cook and eat it... "It looked like a little tiger, only gray. It was a fuzzball. The kitten was so emaciated you could feel its ribs. Its eyes were swollen shut, there was so much goo. We tried to give it water but it wouldn't drink."

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Another reason to hate wacky DJ's
Wire Services | Submitted by: Gutter Juice
"Police said Todd Downs, who goes by the name T-Bone on KDWB-FM's morning show, attempted to get into the main gate of the PGA event with a weed whacker around 8:30 a.m. He was turned away by security officials who told him to leave golf course immediately. According to police, Downs went back to his car and got the chain saw, then tried to bring it in through the volunteer gate, where he was immediately arrested by numerous police officers and FBI agents."

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Post circumcision stress syndrome
News Corporation | Submitted by: Taleya
A traditional Aborigine who attacked his wife and father-in-law thought his circumcision had affected his mind, a Darwin court has been told. Post Circumcision stress perhaps. Why is a TRADITIONAL aboriginal getting his nads trimmed in the first place?

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Belgium's military armed with FAKE GUNS
BBC | Submitted by: Blades976
"The artificial guns not only need less maintenance, but involve less paperwork, as no licence is required to carry them. Opposition parliamentarian Danny Pieters said he approved of the use of fake guns except in dangerous situations. "It is more a sign of commonsense than laziness," he said.

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Hunnah dollah beels
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: Incubus
"The counterfeiters first bleached portions of real $1 and $5 bills to erase the denomination and pictures, then photocopied sections of a real $100 bill onto the bleached paper, including the portrait of Benjamin Franklin, according to the indictment."

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Crack dealers not very bright
WLWT-TV 5 Cincinnati | Submitted by: Incubus
"The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, called her phone, and a man answered. When she told him that he'd just answered her phone, he hung up. The next day, the woman called her phone again. "He goes, 'Yeah, baby, what do you need?' And I was like, 'Well, what do you got?' And he was like, 'Crack.'"

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Lawsuit of Dr. Evil proportions
CNN | Submitted by: kade
"Acknowledging the odds are against them, relatives of the September 11 attacks filed a 15 count, $116 trillion lawsuit Thursday against the company run by Osama bin Laden's family, Saudi Arabian princes and Sudan."

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If attacked, Israel might nuke Iraq
Ha'aretz | Submitted by: JON BLAST
From the "DUH" department: "If Iraq strikes at Israel with non-conventional weapons, causing massive casualties among the civilian population, Israel could respond with a nuclear retaliation that would eradicate Iraq as a country. This grave assessment, from American intelligence, was presented last week to the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee."

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Drunk speeds out of control
ABC TV affiliates | Submitted by: pimpgurl19
"An officer on his way to work at 6:30 a.m. Monday was startled to see a 30 year old man cruising down the shoulder of the street on a child's Fisher Price Power Wheels car. The 180 pound rider was about 10 times the recommended age for the battery-operated car."

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Welcome to Camp Ashcroft, nonbelievers
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: B3Rock
"Ashcroft's plan, disclosed last week but little publicized, would allow him to order the indefinite incarceration of U.S. citizens and summarily strip them of their constitutional rights and access to the courts by declaring them enemy combatants.... Whereas Al Qaeda is a threat to the lives of our citizens, Ashcroft has become a clear and present threat to our liberties."

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US fertilizes Britain
USA Today | Submitted by: Boat6float
The US is sending out it's excessive sperm to a British market due to fewer Brits wacking off and giving sperm; it's now up to the US to populate the world: "Driving the trend: a nearly 60% decline in British sperm donations over the past 10 years. And aggressive Yankee marketing, which typically offers far more details about the appearance, personality and family history of sperm donors than do companies in the United Kingdom."

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Indemnificationspotting
Law.com | Submitted by: 'stache
"An insurance company has no duty to defend or indemnify a homeowner's policyholder in a wrongful-death suit stemming from allegations that the insured provided heroin that led to the overdose and subsequent death of a woman, a divided Pennsylvania Superior Court has ruled."

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Fluffy 2.0
MSNBC | Submitted by: Boat6float
"Ron Gillespie, founder of the Massachusetts-based pet cloning company PerPETuate, says these clientsí hopes are in no way misplaced. After years of research, including work on cloning the first calf back in 1997, Gillespie has become more and more convinced that genetics play a large role not only in build, but also in temperament and even coat pattern."

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Beware the Blue Huggybear
KOMO-TV 4 Seattle | Submitted by: The Great Boojum Tree
"Police say Homer Hibbler, who has a long record from the state of Texas but no arrests involving children or abductions, showed up in the Lakewood apartment complex wearing a bright blue "huggy-bear" suit with a white hat."

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