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August 01, 2002

Anatomically correct gummy discovered
Sun | Submitted by: Steve
A lonely and celibate divorcee finds a gummy bear which seems to be of a little man holding his weener. Article has a great picture of the gummy bear but an even greater picture of Kim Bailey showing us one of her more interesting oral talents.

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Darwin burns boy's hands off
Expressen | Submitted by: Tope
The parents of a nine-year-old boy who got his hands burned off while playing on the roof of an electric converter building are suing the electric company. The boy and his friend (who didn't survive) found a hole in the fence surrounding the site, and his parents now blame the company for not maintaining the fence properly. Article in Swedish, but with great picture.

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F is for Fantastic
Rockford Register-Star | Submitted by: Gutter Juice
"At least 23 eighth-graders in the Rockford School District failed all their classes last year and still made it to high school... Talitha Marshall, mother of a fifth-grade student who was promoted from Jackson School to middle school despite failing nearly all of her classes, said she thinks teachers are frustrated. "They just want to pass their problems on to another teacher."

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Police dog bites lawyer, gets reward
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: JS Kiwi
"The woman demanded that staff pass the dog food on to the police dog involved in apprehending Burrett, the Upper Hutt lawyer who spent time in hospital after being bitten by the dog."

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FBI looks gift horse in mouth
Suburban Chicago News | Submitted by: Gutter Juice
Important opportunity lost by indecision and FBI delay: "Jon Messner said he became interested in Alneda.com, a militant Islamic Web site that promotes the Al-Qaida terror organization. He then used a software program that probes Web site addresses whose registrations are about to lapse, meaning the address will go into a pool available for sale. When it did, Messner snapped it up and filled the site with Web pages from the original Arabic site. He said FBI officials in Baltimore and Salisbury, Md., encouraged his work but took too long to decide how to help him."

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Man, 103, told to bring parents for an eye test
Reuters | Submitted by: Phatlor
"British pensioner Joseph Dickinson, 103, had a shock when his local hospital called him in for an eye test and told him to bring his parents."

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Wild manatee orgy on the beach
Nando Times | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Beachgoers were treated to a heavyweight spectacle Tuesday: a female manatee that beached herself to avoid the advances of five males, which followed her onto the sand."

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$125B scam foiled with bad grammar
MSNBC | Submitted by: Kreepy Monster
The FBI arrested five people Tuesday for conspiring to pass $125 billion in counterfeit U.S. government securities supposedly dating from the 1930's. Funny part is they made a fake $100,000,000 reserve note that said "One Hundred Million Dollar" not "One Hundred Million Dollars".

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Boy feared buried alive in graveyard
Mirror | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A teenager and his dog were feared dead last night after being sucked into an underground pit by a flash flood in a cemetery... The animal disappeared in a torrent of water and mud. John was sucked into the pit as he fought to reach is drowning pet. He is feared to have plunged down a 15-foot crater into an old mineshaft."

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Popcorn butter turns to lung butter
Wire Services | Submitted by: anonymous
"Some workers who mix and package flavored microwave-popcorn or are involved in other flavoring manufacturing may have up to 11 times the expected risk for a serious lung obstruction disorder, the results of a new study suggest."

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Phone book fiasco
KMBC-TV 9 Kansas City | Submitted by: Ted
Perhaps it was an honest mistake. Architectural Illustrator sounds a lot like Abortion Provider: "One person took it upon herself to be a bit of a prankster and do things that we want no part of in our book. We are checking out the entirety of the person's work. So far we only know of a handful of malicious and intentional instances."

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Babysitter beaten by angry residents
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: GMiddleMan
Sometimes you need to smack non-violence into someone's head: "A Brazilian babysitter who was filmed by a hidden camera allegedly hitting two babies was attacked by a mob of residents after a television station aired the video, according to a Local 6 News report."

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Penguin caught off southeast Alaska
Anchorage Daily News | Submitted by: Jackie Carr
"After running his own boat for nearly a quarter century, the Edmonds, Wash., resident said he's seen some odd things: huge sunfish, tropical sharks and once even a sturgeon most likely headed to Oregon or Washington. But nothing prepared him for the sight of a little black-and-white penguin standing among the salmon and jellyfish on deck after they emptied the net."

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Trafficant must surrender toupee to feds
CNN | Submitted by: yvegny nourish
"Some people thought the hair was too unruly to be a toupee. But Sheriff Drew Alexander said the newly sentenced Traficant had to remove the hairpiece this week during a routine search while being booked into the Summit County Jail."

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Vampire Rapist died masturbating
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"The death of "The Vampire Rapist" has been ruled an accident rather than a suicide as originally thought, according to officials. A report said that John Crutchley apparently died an accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation while masturbating."

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Lapdancers up in arms over Vegas regs
Boston Globe | Submitted by: anonymous
"An 18-month undercover police investigation had found lap dancing led to simulated sex acts, ''excessive grinding'' [an oxymoron if there ever was one], and, in some cases, prostitution. County Commissioner Yvonne Atkinson Gates wanted to change that, so she proposed banning dancers and customers from touching each other's buttocks, genitals or breasts during lap dances." The best quote is Gates' at the end of the article, I'm not doing this because of my sexual anything. Her sexual anything?

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Son kept age 82 dad diapered in plastic trashbag
Seattle Post-Intelligencer | Submitted by: ian m.
"An 82-year-old man, partially blind and plagued by dementia, lived for months as a prisoner in his own home, authorities said, as his son drank beer and whiskey, ignoring his father's cries for help... Officers found the older man in a back bedroom -- surrounded by his own waste, wearing nothing but a dirty T-shirt, and DIAPERED IN A PLASTIC GARBAGE BAG... Officers from the SWAT team yesterday woke the 48-year-old [son] by throwing a stun grenade into the house, then went in to arrest him."

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Zookeeper earns a special place in Hades
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"One polka-dotted appaloosa mare was supposed to foal soon but barely looked pregnant because she had not eaten in days. One donkey's skin was raw and pink from the sun. Starving ponies had resorted to eating wooden posts... Police said they found a decrepit zoo of sick and emaciated animals, including exotic African deer, pot-bellied pigs and miniature donkeys. Officials worked well into the night to rescue more than 150 animals."

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Chinese bears need help getting it up
CNN | Submitted by: Flying Wilma
Pornography is getting more and more audience-specific. "When Didi [the panda] turned six on Tuesday at the China Giant Panda Breeding and Research Center in Wolong, he sat eyes glued in front of a screen that showed a video of two giant pandas mating, according to the official Xinhua news agency."

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Florida town bans schoolbusses
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Toots
"Brookridge won't allow buses to pick up children inside its gates this year. But it didn't notify parents about the decision, residents said... "The older people were complaining about the buses," Crowley said. "This is not us. What we look for is a safe place to pick up and a safe place to turn around."

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Penis now available for advertising blurbs
The Register | Submitted by: Raven
An enterprising Brit has attempted to auction off space on his penis for the purpose of advertising. Unfortunately, the uptight eBay.co.uk has removed the posting. For those of you who still have any shred of decency left, take heart in the fact that one of the provisions (d) stated that "He reserves the right to refuse designs that he considers offensive, immoral, or objectionable."

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