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July 28, 2002

Homeless man as soccer target
The Courier-Mail | Submitted by: billygates
"A New Farm soccer club has been forced to apologise after using a homeless man for target practice. A coach and several players in his under-13 team were seen kicking balls at the man during practice as he lay, apparently unconscious, in the club's grounds. The homeless man, known as Grant, is a regular in New Farm Park. Mr Whiting said club members regularly "fed and watered" him." Makes him a better target no doubt.

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The 120 pound 3 year old
Michigan Live | Submitted by: Atanidil
A three year old should weigh about a stone and a half. Amanda Redmond, mother of this morbidly obese toddler, says he just grows fast. Though she must learn better parenting skills before her child will be returned to her, last Friday she said, "I was doing something wrong, but I'm really not sure what." Her quote brings to mind a Groucho Mark interview with Mrs. Smith: Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children? Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen. Gr: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden? Mrs. S: Well, I love my husband. Gr: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

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Britney gives Mexico the finger
Reuters | Submitted by: Alpha Maelstrom
The teen supreme pop-diva has done it again. First she was caught smoking. Then it was drinking alcohol, and we're all still waiting for those "intimate tapes" that were stolen from her and that N'sync kid's private apartment to be released to the public. Now, Britney, "under fire for making an obscene [FUCK YOU] gesture shortly after arriving in Mexico City for the last stop on her world tour, said on Friday she was only reacting to intrusive paparazzi." Not a girl, but not yet a woman? Did she skip straight to worthless cunt?

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White trash girl of 14 gives birth to 37 pound cyst
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Squeaky the Human Chew Toy
Almost something from the Enquirer or the Weekly World News. At first the 14 year old thought she was pregnant, but they told her she was just overweight and needed to diet. Then it was discovered she was carrying a 37-pound bouncing baby cyst. Apparently being knocked up at 14 without a clear idea who the father might be is common enough in Indiana that it didn't initially occur to anyone that it might be a serious medical condition instead. One must weep for the future.

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Young petals deflowered in not-so-innocent age
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"Just as I was getting overt the shock of how quickly she had stuck her face down between my legs, she'd hopped on top and was galloping away for all she was worth. But her nipples were tiny and her boobs like little green apples. I knew she couldn't be old enough for high school, but couldn't believe a junior high school pupil could have such an amazing technique. When I asked her what year she was in at school, she turned around and told me 'fifth grade.' I was petrified. I slipped her a 5,000 yen note and got out of the hotel as quickly as I could."

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PM's adopted son is an enfant terrible
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's son's travails: "Michel Chrétien was convicted of sexual assault for tying up and sodomizing a woman in his room at an apartment motel in Montreal... released from custody on Feb. 25. 1997, and charged nine days later with assaulting the six year old son of a former girlfriend and breach of parole... [And now] accused of attacking and assaulting a Yellowknife woman at his apartment on July 15, after the two spent the night drinking heavily with another friend."

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DJ suspended for handy kidnapping tips
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Bo Orly
A San Jose, California radio DJ has been suspended after giving out helpful tips on the air to would-be child kidnappers. Discussing the recent Philadelphia case in which a seven year old chewed through duct tape to escape, DJ Mikey Esparza said, "That's why I use nylon rope." Other helpful hints he had for aspiring killers: purchase tarp and lye in advance, to be ready to dispose of the body. The station, part of corporate megalith Clear Communications, took a firm stance against such ghastliness, suspending Esparza... for a week.

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Halal chickens come home to roost
Guardian | Submitted by: Tobermory
Everyone's favourite corrupt, mysoginistic, racist, fanatical, anti-semitic, terrorist-funding, anti-Western, sectarian wankers, the Saudi Arabians, may be on the brink of collapse into religious fundamentalism (so, not much change there). Now normally the West wouldn't give a shit about this sort of thing, but Saudi Arabia's House of Fahd is Washington/London's favourite Arabic arse licker (or at least parts of it are). So if it goes down so does a lot of Western influence in the area. Oh and they've got lots of oil too.

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Redneck beats kitty to death
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Toots
"Stevens' 14-year-old nephew said his uncle had intended to feed the cat to a five-foot alligator, which was lurking in a canal near the back of the Bayport Inn, 4835 Cortez Boulevard."

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Indians cranking out bad digital porn
Hindustan Times | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"When the action does begin, the girls' reluctance is painful to watch. They persistently try to hide their faces under their tresses, or turn away from the camera, only to have their faces roughly jerked towards the light by the man they're paired with. Once every few minutes both the girl and the man will stop and look dazedly off-camera before switching positions."

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Stupidest concept album ever
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
Let's cover Sabbath in it's original Latin! "The 12 track album called "Sabbatum", Latin for "sabbath", includes "Wheels of Confusion" ("Rotae Confusionis") and "War Pigs" ("Verres Militares") in slow, minimalist versions that wouldn't seem out of place in the Sistine Chapel." I wish I had thought of this.

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Florida DCF strikes (out) again
AZ Central | Submitted by: wingnut
"A Florida child-welfare worker was arrested on Friday after police found her passed out drunk at the wheel of a car with a foster child in the back seat, authorities said. Police said they found the car stopped in the middle of a road with the engine running, the driver asleep and a crying 7-month-old girl strapped into a child safety seat in the back. There was a half-empty bottle of rum in the car, police said."

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Self-mutilation popular with Tri-state teens
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: Son of Benway
The mere terms tri-state, tri-county, and tri-city are always a sign of hijinks: "They look like cat scratches, but these nicks on the skin come from razor blades, pocketknives or the plastic utensils picked up in fast-food restaurants. Sometimes, they're raw marks brought on by such furious rubbing of an eraser that the skin wears off. Paper clips, unbent, transform into stabbing instruments. Cigarette lighters scorch concealed flesh. It's called self-injury or "cutting," and almost every Tristate teen knows it's not about skipping class."

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Those DC aliens were here exactly 50 years ago
Washington Post | Submitted by: Chris
The strangest thing about the scrambling of jets to protect DC from aliens July 27th is not that it was the second time this has happened, but that the first time was 50 years ago, July 26, 1952. This article from last week (which predates the incident by several days) describes an encounter eerily similar to what happened over DC this weekend.

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Inmates told not to get sex therapy
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Macki
"Convicted sex offenders are being advised by their lawyers not to seek treatment while in prison for fear they might reveal things in therapy that could keep them locked up for life, according to attorneys and prosecutors who handle such cases."

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