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July 26, 2002

Sexual misfit craved the touch of female doctors
Brisbane Courier-Mail | Submitted by: John Miller
Nothing a court could sentence him to could be better punishment than the whole world knowing what this banker did. At least he made history: the first person in Queensland convicted of procuring a sexual assault on himself. They do things differently in Queensland.

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Giant penis remains behind Foran High School
Connecticut Post | Submitted by: f00f
"Workers have tried to grow grass to obscure the outline of the 25-foot-long obscenity, and have cut the grass at different angles to make it less distinct, said Philip Russell, the school district's director of management services. But those methods haven't worked. The phallic outline apparently etched into the grass with weed killer remains visible."

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Dubya, the corporate welfare bum
Toronto Star | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
The words of George W. Bush, spoken in front of a four year old child to a CNN anchor: "You fucking son of a bitch, I won't forget what you said, and you're going to pay a fucking price for it." That aside, this is the best article we've seen that documents the privilege one might obtain by having a famous name, allowing Dubya to turn $13,000 into tens of millions of dollars.

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Man to auction his own tattooed skin
Pravda | Submitted by: Granger Piles
"Eric Vinten living in Sidley (East Sussex) is going to put up his skin for auction as a piece of art. The man is famous for the numerous tattoos that cover his body. Eric says, he would like his skin to be sold at an auction after his death, the instruction was given only concerning the man’s skin. On the whole, Eric wants his mortal remains to be buried in accordance with Christian traditions."

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Fighter plane's laser may blind civilians
New Scientist | Submitted by: Kaiser Wilhelm
"Lockheed reckons the laser weapon will be ready to test by around 2010 and could go into service by 2015. "The reflected energy typically will cover large amounts of real estate and space, since the energy is spread in many directions," Hengst said. And if the target was moving, hazardous reflections could sweep the surrounding area." What's the Geneva convention have to say about this? "Blinding as an incidental or collateral effect of the legitimate military employment of laser systems, including laser systems used against optical equipment, is not covered by the prohibition of this Protocol".

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Truck crushes house
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: woggie
"A Salvation Army truck rolled through a driveway fence and crushed a small house in Honolulu Wednesday."

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Child protection ritual goes awry, killing child
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: Sukebe Panda
"A 7-year-old girl has died tragically after he kimono caught fire while she was going through a ritual to pray for the god who protects children, police said Friday. The first-grader's kimono caught fire after she stood too close to one of the candles being used during the Wednesday ritual, quickly becoming a ball of fire."

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Boston animal shelter ceases dumping animal corpses
Boston Herald | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
What happens to the animals destroyed in Boston's city animal shelter? Evidently, the process involves black plastic garbage bags, a large dumpster, and a quick ride to a public landfill. At least, that was how it worked until yesterday, when Boston Mayor Thomas Menino discontinued the practice and instructed Animal Control officials to come up with something more dignified. The plan had been implemented as a cost-saving measure, whereby the animal shelter avoided paying for the animals to be hauled away.

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Copyright nazis caught violating copyright
The Register | Submitted by: anonymous
Self-proclaimed "copyright protectors" Ranger Online, a company whose robots crawl file-swapping networks to find "violators" IP addresses and then sends letters to their ISP, were caught brazenly violating copyright on their own web site. "Interestingly, soon after we started making inquiries, the Ranger admins disabled their news section, and an hour or two after that restored it, only with the proper sort of links -- that is, to the content on the original sites rather than to their own bootleg copies."

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The Smiling Car Thief
KGW-TV 8 Portland | Submitted by: anonymous
The suspect's modus operandi: "When the salesperson and the suspect agree to test drive the vehicles, the suspect locked the door then drove away. The salesperson was left trying to open the door while the suspect smiles and waves."

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Ann Coulter called on her lies
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
Since the 9/11 attacks, Ann Coulter has distinguished herself as a dim bulb in her numerous columns, but this has not stopped her from inexplicably topping the New York Times best sellers list. This article calls her on a number of things she is saying that she knows are lies, primarily deliberate misquotes.

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God smiles on teenage boys in Minnesota town
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: Spookbabe
A Minnesota town has been trying hard to make life difficult for the Pure Gold exotic club. And now that nudity has been banned by ordinance, the club is now permitting boys under 18 to enter, much to their hormonal delight. The move has backfired into making Pure Gold more popular than ever. D'oh.

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Hundreds of giant squid wash up on beaches
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Hundreds of giant squid are washing up on the beaches of San Diego's upscale La Jolla Coves, possibly as a result of warm El Niño weather patterns, according to local scientists. The jumbo flying squid, known by their scientific name Dosidicus gigas, normally nestle in the eastern Pacific Ocean."

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Offering jailbait to geriatrics to avoid hanging
Guardian | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Four convicted murderers due to hang in Pakistan tomorrow have tried to escape the gallows by giving their teenage and child daughters in marriage to elderly relatives of their victims."

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Cloned baby claims probed
New Zealand Herald | Submitted by: Spookbabe
The Rael cult is at it again. South Korea is investigating a United States based firm run by a UFO-inspired sect that claims it has implanted a cloned embryo in a Korean woman. [Hoping Elvis is the dad]

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Forced urine drinking leads to charges
Augusta Chronicle | Submitted by: Shit4br8ns
"Jack Walden III told police he was 'teaching her a lesson' when he forced his 6-year-old niece to drink her own urine. Now authorities want to teach him one. 'That's just deplorable,' Richmond County sheriff's Investigator Jo Ann Nutter said. 'There's punishment, and there's punishment. But that's criminal.'" And to think some people do this for enjoyment!

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Cattle mutilations now increasing in U.S.
Las Vegas Weekly | Submitted by: Fecolithographer
As animal mutilations seemingly performed with bloodless surgical precision spread across South America in conjunction with oddly silent lights in the sky, confounding scientists who refuse to be blindsided by absurd official explanations, similar incidents have also increased in the U.S. Note to U.S. Gov: Better return that truckload of mysterious U.S. mutilation advisers reportedly seen in Argentina, as they're apparently needed in Utah and other places.

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Family buried son in yard, neighbors upset
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A family that buried its 20-year-old son in the back yard because of high funeral costs has upset its neighbors, but the practice is legal, officials say. Blake Michael Anderson, 20, was buried July 17 in the back yard of his parents' home adjacent to the Lazy Acres subdivision in an unincorporated part of Dallas County."

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Police chase ends when prosthetic leg fell off
Dayton Daily News | Submitted by: Covix
"The van sideswiped a tree, so the only person able to flee was the driver, Michael Ford, who took off on foot with the officers in pursuit," Lang said. Ford's artificial leg then fell off. "He only made it as far as the back yard as he had a prosthetic leg, which came off when he was running and decreased his mobility."

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Something funny going on at Ft. Bragg
Fox News | Submitted by: Toots
"The military is investigating the murders of four Fort Bragg soldiers’ wives, all of whom were apparently killed by their husbands in the last six weeks... In three of the cases, the husbands who investigators say killed their wives were special operations servicemen who had been stationed in Afghanistan."

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Loose lips eat chicken
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"In a radio commercial to be launched on Monday, Nando's advertises that detainees at the Woomera detention centre have "decided to unsew their lips after hearing the news that with every Nando's quarter chicken combo, Nando's are giving away an extra quarter chicken free."

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Fewer attractive nudists in German parks
Hindustan Times | Submitted by: LadyC
Officials bemoan the lack of attractive nude girls in German parks; blame recent wave of prudery. "We've lost many of the nudists who made the English Garden a special place. Especially good looking young women and men who made it such an attraction aren't here as much anymore. It's becoming a real problem."

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Girls turn tricks to pay for university
News Corporation | Submitted by: LadyC
"Sex industry operators are reportedly placing ads on the back of doors in campus and college toilets to lure desperate students with the promise of good pay and flexible hours", according to a spokeswoman for Australia's opposition party. But in response, the Education Minister's office said that "young girls who go into prostitution to finance their studies do so out of free choice."

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Horny cloned dictators under fire
CNN Europe | Submitted by: LadyC
Author Vladimir Sorokin wrote a chapter in his "Blue Lard" novel which featured "clones of dictator Josef Stalin and his successor Nikita Khrushchev having intercourse." He's now been summoned to the prosecutor's office for a little chatsky. Censorship is alive and well in Russia.

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