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July 22, 2002

Ukulele crimewave bespeaks lack of aloha
Honolulu Advertiser | Submitted by: Incubus
"The first reaction at the school after 11 koa wood instruments, some of them 20 to 30 years old, were stolen on July 5 was shock that the thieves showed such a lack of aloha. The second reaction to the brazen burglary, which wiped out all but three of the school's Kamaka 'ukulele, was how fast the heist occurred."

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Crazed attacker eats victim's eyebrow
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"We firmly believe that he then consumed the bit [an eyebrow] he had bitten off because we carried out a very extensive search of the area and couldn't find anything. He has either held the part in his mouth and spat it out later or consumed it, which is pretty gruesome."

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Senator seeks to repeal Posse Comitatus Act
Washington Times | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
On the television show "Fox News Sunday", Joseph R. Biden became the latest U.S. Senator to declare opposition to the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878. Biden stated that the Act "has to be amended," by which he really means "gutted." (Under the Act, military personnel are forbidden from performing searches, seizures, or arrests of domestic citizens of the U.S.) Biden finds it incomprehensible that a soldier searching for weapons of mass destruction would currently be unable "to exercise the same power a police officer would in dealing with that situation." The senator claimed that, under existing federal law, "when you call in the military, the military would not be able to shoot to kill, if they were approaching the weapon." And we all know what sticklers the military can be about refusing to exceed their Constitutional bounds. [What Senator Biden neglects to mention is, military personnel CAN perform civilian law enforcement when specifically authorized by Congress (under the current language of the Act). Congress need only pass a resolution granting their permission, and this imaginary problem disappears. But no, we're supposed to believe it's preferable to completely eliminate this meager limit on government power.]

Read article... and This article...

School sued over 8th grade slavery lesson
Washington Times | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
"The parents' attorneys claim the eighth-grade teacher bound her students' hands with masking tape and duct-taped each of the students to the floor as part of an exercise to show students how slaves felt as they were transported to America on slave ships."

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Texas serial killer due for parole in 2006
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Coral Eugene Watts killed lots of women. And despite their best efforts, the police were unable to tie him to the murders. When, in 1982, prosecutors finally got a chance to put him in prison for burglary, they took it. But due to faulty language in the plea bargain, Watts is eligible for parole with credit for good behavior, meaning he will only spend 20 of his 60 year sentence behind bars. Whoops.

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WTC families object to history
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
It's unbelievable that people object to history itself, now. The "president" of a 9/11 victim group whose mother died in the attacks is upset that someone will broadcast the historically important footage of the planes crashing into the WTC. "They're going to show my mom exploding. We are a country in which we don't show public executions, and that's basically what this boils down to." Lady, just don't watch TV.

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Fishy antibiotics
Canadian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Gretta
A guy has found a legal loophole that allows him to purchase antibiotics without a prescription.

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Wedding gunfire celebration goes awry
Wire Services | Submitted by: bdragon
"A Jordanian man who fired his machine gun randomly to celebrate his engagement shot dead two of his friends in the process, police said on Sunday. Mohammad started firing his machine gun in the air after his prospective in-laws accepted his proposal to wed to their daughter."

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Pizza-loving mamma crowned Miss Tubby
Guardian | Submitted by: cedar and nelly
"Maria Dore, 36, crushed rivals at the weekend to win the Miss Cicciona (Miss Tubby) contest after weighing in at 194kg at the 14th annual Tubby competition in Forcoli, near Pisa. Afterwards she revealed her secret: pizza with mushrooms."

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Time-Warner fucks over kid who won prize
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Scarface Tony
"Congratulations!" it said. "You have been chosen as the grand prize winner of the Toon Marooned Adventure Sweepstakes." The prize was a Chevrolet Venture van worth $31,000. Douglas shot back a message to the executive, Andrew Feinstein. "Wow!" he wrote. "Did I really win?" "Yes!" Feinstein replied. "You really won." Warner Bros. now says Douglas did not really win.

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Prison sex is AIDS time bomb
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Penelas counters that sex in detention centers is often condoned by officials. He says placing one gay man who is actively seeking sex per floor has become standard procedure in several jails and prisons across the state. 'In most cells they place a loca, or screamer, so inmates can relieve the tension.'" Of course, they won't let you have a condom. Duh.

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Aussie hookers issuing IPO
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: not_a_punk
"One of Australia's best known brothels, Melbourne's The Daily Planet Ltd, today announced it was going public, hoping to raise $12 million from private investors and eventually list on the Australian Stock Exchange... "Because the old saying that sex sells is so true, because the adult industry is so massively popular and profitable, we believe the opportunities are unlimited," Mr Harris told reporters."

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Elusive giant squid found
CNN | Submitted by: ian m.
"The giant squid is a carnivorous mollusk with a beak-like mouth strong enough to cut through a steel cable and its eyes are the largest in the animal kingdom, growing up to 18 inches wide. The giant squid is believed to feed on, among other things, the world's biggest animals with several eyewitness stories from fisherman who have seen the squid in fierce battles with whales. Dead whales have been found washed up on beaches with large sucker marks on their bodies, apparently from squid attacks. [Article comes with photo, including a rather odd caption which seems to have vanished.]

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Chinese low rollers invade New Jersey
International Herald Tribune | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The thrifty retirees do not go unnoticed by the legions of security guards who patrol the casinos' vast and noisy gambling rooms. The Chinese pounce for a stray quarter on the floor; the guards pounce for them. The Chinese amble, looking for a slot machine that has been played but has not yet paid; the guards toss them out."

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Alaska's Lt. Gov is packing heat
Anchorage Daily News | Submitted by: Nick's Nut Sack
She carries the gun to protect her from zee germans: "With a new concealed weapons permit, Fran Ulmer says she's ready to hit the campaign trail, no matter where it may lead. Problem is, her only handgun is the wrong fit for the permit. Ulmer's long-barrel .44-caliber Magnum revolver is a shade big to slip beneath a suit jacket or stash in a handbag. So the lieutenant governor and Democrat candidate for governor is shopping for a gun."

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Tainted whale blubber sickens village
Wire Services | Submitted by: Nick's Nut Sack
"Five people from the Southwest Alaska village of Kwigillingok were hospitalized in Anchorage and Bethel after eating possibly tainted whale blubber. Two people from Kwigillingok were searching for driftwood about 25 to 30 miles west of their home near the mouth of the Kuskokwim River. They found a beached beluga whale that had died, but they didn't believe it had decayed."

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Old school songs from 'da hoodlum
New York Times | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Mr. Siclari does not sell gangsta rap or heavy metal: he sells a very particular kind of folk music, the product of an unusual and specific Calabrian tradition. It is called Il Canto di Malavita, which translates literally as songs of a bad life or life of crime. More colloquially, the songs are known as Mafia music."

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Cheerful anti-smoking ads
Expatica | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Beginning Monday the top private network TF1 will show an ad in which a man in the terminal phases of lung cancer is seen in the days just before he dies. The 30-second commercial uses actual video footage shot of the man, whose identity is not given. The camera was wielded by his wife five days before he passed away."

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Church on Fire van catches fire
Macon Telegraph | Submitted by: Incubus
"Two vans from the Church on Fire were transporting a caravan of 23 people in the church's youth group after a week of sightseeing. 'We just watched in horror. We looked back and the smoke was so intense. The minivan had a cellphone. We just called and called and no one answered.'"

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Penis taste test
Daily Telegraph | Submitted by: Mullah Omar
Lebanese gang rapists in Australia lost one of their cell phones to authorities, who were able to read the backlog of SMS messages: "One of the victims, an 18-year-old known as C, was called an 'Aussie pig' during her ordeal and told by one man "I'm going to fuck you Leb style." Later, during the attack she was asked whether "Leb" penis tasted better than "Aussie" penis."

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Who snitched out Anne Frank
Washington Post | Submitted by: Incubus
"All that is known is that on Aug. 4, 1944, someone telephoned the German Security Service to report that Jews were hiding in the house at 263 Prinsengracht. Now, Dutch government researchers are again looking for an answer to that question, prompted by a novel theory in a new book by a British author: That the betrayal was the work of a young Dutch petty criminal and hard-core anti-Semite named Anton Ahlers."

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