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July 07, 2002

Parrot warns of fire, man leaves parrot to burn
Straits Times | Submitted by: TastyArmageddon
In a "pet saves owner's life" story with a sad but hilarious ending, Heung Wah Bor was awoken early friday morning by his pet parrots screams, alerting him to the fire in his bedroom. Mr Heung Wah Bor quickly ran out of the residence, sans hero-parrot, who later died in the fire that ended up destroying the whole apartment complex. Great picture of the dead parrot included.

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Quayle Museum averages 12 daily visitors
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: JON BLAST
"The [Quayle] museum, which is housed in an old Christian Science Church, drew an all-time high of 4,400 visitors in 2001 and, with the new summer season barely under way, Johns said the count is roughly 1,000 ahead of last year's pace." Do these people visit the museum on purpose, do they attend as a joke, or do they accidentally stumble upon a horrible tourist trap?

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Marriage, Missouri Style
Wire Services | Submitted by: Big E
Checklist for the bride-to-be: Flowers, Reception, Shooting some asshole who makes the mistake of trying to steal your pickup truck. Said the bride, "Have you ever had anything you really love? Well, I love that truck."

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End of the World in fifty years
Guardian | Submitted by: BlackRaiser
It's Official: The earth's natural resources will be gone in 50 years. Water discovered below Mars surface may be the reason for an upcoming space war. But the big flaw in this article is that it assumes technology will remain at a standstill, not taking into account nanotechnology or any equivalent revolution. A quick look at a 1950 Popular Mechanics will tell you just how wrong these people will be in their prediction.

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You got explosives in my peanut butter
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Florida Ethnarch
The latest feel-good "national security" developments: airports are being outfitted with explosive detectors that are routinely fooled by common substances such as chocolate and peanut butter. But you can be sure somebody's making a bundle selling these devices to our government. Mmmmm delicious C4...

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Pope urges youth to remain chaste
Newsday | Submitted by: Florida Ethnarch
No, this isn't a joke headline. Does the Pontiff mean kids should avoid the confession booth and keep their distance from priests and the bishops who cover up for them? Is anyone urging priests to remain chaste? What will they use in the place of smooth nubile altarboys? The irony is just too powerful to ignore, and it's further proof that the Pope is totally out of it (and probably died early in 2001 -- how many years can he go on becoming "increasingly frail"?)

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Boy who twice faked drowning dies in pool
Centre Daily | Submitted by: JuTravler
"Tim Ungard, who was at the pool party, said he twice pulled John out of the pool Thursday after the boy faked drowning. 'He would yell, HELP. Then he would go under the water and then he would come back up. I would pick him up out of the water, and I would ask him, ARE YOU OK? And he would say, Yeah, I'm just playing around. I'm playing like I'm drowning."

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Dead today, cloned baseball player tomorrow
Sports Illustrated | Submitted by: Zeffield
"My father's body was put on a plane yesterday with people from Alcor," Ferrell said, referring to Alcor Life Extension Foundation, a provider of cryonics services... "My father's body was picked up yesterday, transported to Ocala and he was accompanied by a Mr. David Hayes of Alcor to Scottsdale." If Ted Williams' head IS frozen, it will be stored next to the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, and perhaps without the express written consent of the Commissioner of Baseball.

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Holland to tighten up?
Straits-Times | Submitted by: Soylent
Not everyone understands that the very reason for Holland's prosperity has been its tradition of tolerance and individual liberty. Among those that do not understand it are many of the Dutch themselves. Its newly forming government is considering removing a number of the popular liberties, the very liberties that now make Amsterdam a popular destination and role model for progressive cities everywhere.

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Hitlerhaus now a Coffinhaus
Wire Services | Submitted by: Soylent
"This year, the house where Adolf Hitler lived for six years until age 15 was becoming a safety hazard. A decision had to be made: Renovate it or tear it down? [Mayor Sperl] got the town council to approve a plan to renovate the house, leave it unidentified and use it to warehouse coffins for the nearby cemetery."

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Daily Rotten illegal
Wire Services | Submitted by: Soylent
This story previously appeared only in Danish, but here is a wire service rewrite of it in English. A court in Denmark has seen fit to basically outlaw the entire World Wide Web, understanding neither the technology nor the culture behind the new medium. This idiotic decision against free speech is the result of newspapers filing suit, never mind that newspapers should be in favor of free speech. But that was before they became owned by giant, uncaring conglomerates.

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Streaking at Wimbledon
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"With men's finalists Lleyton Hewitt and David Nalbandian just back on court after a 15-minute rain delay, one bored spectator (it was getting a bit one sided) decided to play his very own Centre Court exhibition match... As divertingly different as this all was, the biggest eye-opener was the sight of Wimbledon's security staff attempting to cover the frolicking nude with large red capes - it simply cried out for shouts of 'Ole!' from the crowd."

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