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June 26, 2002

Latest Fad Diet: Food Poisoning!
New York Post | Submitted by: Mr. Ramon
Acute appendicitis, chronic tonsilitis and unwashed fruit are all among the hottest new weight loss trends for hip New Yorkers according to this assinine article. Can't wait for a smallpox outbreak to shed these extra pounds!

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Mutilations exceed 100 and counting
Earth Files | Submitted by: Fecolithographer
As the U.S. press predictably continues to ignore the real news, cattle mutilations and UFOs in Argentina have become a multiplying daily horror, subjecting officials and veterinarians to paranormal chaos. With several illustrations of multilated cattle.

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Germans' racist attack on Cup rivals dick size
Mirror | Submitted by: Phatlor
"On the eve of today's semi-final in Seoul, Bild Zeitung portrayed the Asian nation as workaholic, alcoholic, dysfunctional dog-eaters... Bild told its 11 million readers: "Yes, it's true. The Asian has 13.97cm when erect, less than the European 16.51cm. No wonder they know Europeans as long noses."

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Elephant penis must touch the ground
Agence France Presse | Submitted by: anonymous
"'There are several physical attributes that are essential for a perahera tusker', says the temple’s chief veterinarian, Neville de Silva. 'The main thing is that they must be Sathdantha elephants'. Sathdantha means that when the elephant stands erect, seven points — the four legs, its trunk, penis and tail must touch the ground, explained de Silva."

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Latham says insult a fine Aussie term
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Ross
"Labor headkicker Mark Latham made no apologies for calling the prime minister an arse-licker, saying he was using a fine Australian term. In a magazine interview, Mr Latham used the tag to describe John Howard, accusing him of failing to back Australia's interests during a recent trip to the United States."

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Get your egg roll, stolen DVD player
Austin American-Statesman | Submitted by: Ragnarok
Anyone here who's ever been to the University of Texas probably knows about the fried rice carts scattered around campus. Well now we know why they were so cheap. Apparently they were a fencing front for a ring of thieves, pushing stolen electronics and prescription drugs. Complete with mugshots of the rice-frying criminals.

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Boycott GAP asscheek lineup
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Leuken
Article with photos of the bums in question.

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Dude, Where's My Car?
Arizona Republic | Submitted by: pyromaniac.net
Ex-cop faces up to 20 years in prison after felony plea deal, for selling vehicles out of the impound lot. He did this for seven years before someone noticed. "Phoenix police Detective John Guzman, the lead investigator, said there was enough evidence to send Gregory to prison for many lifetimes."

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Mayor head-butts wife
Syracuse Post-Standard | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Cazenovia Village, New York, Mayor Dennis Gregg head-butted his wife in the face Saturday night according to state police reports. Deborah S. Gregg, 37, was taken by ambulance to Community Memorial Hospital in Hamilton for neck pain." You know the story, wife burns roast...

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It wasn't the Husband, it was the Wood
New York Times | Submitted by: T. Bilbo
"The arsenic levels in her body, her doctor said, were about 100 times what they should have been. Ms. Milam was relieved to have a diagnosis, however terrifying. That relief vanished when the police arrived. "They said someone was trying to kill me, and they were almost 100 percent sure it was Tom," her husband, Ms. Milam said." Except Tom's were even higher.

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Impotent sex fiend pleads guilty
New York Post | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A rich young East Sider pleaded guilty yesterday to two vicious attacks on women in bar bathrooms - smashing their heads against tile walls when he proved too impotent to rape them."

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Scientists create mannequin that sweats
Reuters | Submitted by: Phatlor
"Walter has been designed to help clothes designers develop more comfortable military clothing, sportswear and even spacesuits... Filled with pipes containing heated water, Walter has a "body" temperature of 37 degrees Celsius, three layers of custom-built "skin" and motorized limbs."

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Police Cross a Line
Newsday | Submitted by: Waingro
"Just after school let out on March 19, a Nassau County detective armed with a wad of $20 bills greeted a group of students, most of them African-American, outside the grounds of Uniondale High School. The detective offered them an opportunity to pick up some extra cash if they would exercise their civic duty by standing in a police lineup."

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When pigs fly
Wire Services | Submitted by: bammer
"Northwest Airlines is backing away from an earlier decision to grant a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig flying rights equal to those of small dogs and cats. Northwest now says the pig named Pork Chop must ride with luggage and other animals in stowage below the passenger cabin, even if she is a star."

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Smokin' buds with the nanny
New Zealand TV One | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Earlier this year, a 14 year old was getting high on marijuana supplied, he says, by the Child, Youth and Family caregiver he, and his older brother, were living with. "It was alright at the time, smoking heaps of buds because of the lady", says Leroy."

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Michael Jackson is a slave-4-U
MSNBC | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"As BET.com previously reported, Jackson has recently joined an alliance with Reverend Al Sharpton, his National Action Network, famed lawyer Johnnie Cochran to combat what they feel are unfair practices by major labels..."To have a form of economic servitude, doesn’t matter how comfortable the slave, it is the process of slavery," (Sharpton) said. "It is our intention to break up the kind of indentured servant-type of arrangement like many in the record industry have."

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Police grill teen McDonalds slave over lint
Lawrence Journal-World | Submitted by: Chrome Tuna
And perhaps, maybe perchance, someday police officers might wake up one day and think to themselves: "Golly, maybe people keep spitting and peeing in our food because we are just such incredible egomaniacal ASSHOLES?"

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The executioners holiday
Johannesburg Daily Mail Guardian | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"At least 50 convicted drugs criminals have been executed this week in China to mark Wednesday's international anti-drugs day, state media reports said, with scores of others handed suspended death sentences or jail terms... The executions were part of police and judicial activities carried out nationwide in observance of Wednesday's International Day against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking."

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Serious hazing at the bush school
BBC | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Five teenage boys have died and 51 others have been injured during initiation rituals in South Africa. Police found the youths when a boy died on his way to hospital on Monday, after rituals involving circumcision and beatings."

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Woman upset with dog grave near parents
Ashland Daily Independent | Submitted by: Idle Hands
From the "Only in Kentucky" files: "A Johnson County woman is calling into question the lack of state laws that allowed a dog to be buried 6 feet away from her parents' graves in a large cemetery...The dog, a 12-year-old cocker spaniel named 'Rocky Fouts,' was buried beneath a walnut tree on a hilltop in Highland Memorial Park."

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Cops' new address: 69 Lazy Lane
AZ Central | Submitted by: Dominus Bishop
They seem to think people will make fun of their address.

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Welcome to the Hos-pi-tal California
AZ Central | Submitted by: Dominus Bishop
A Tuscon, AZ hospital becomes a roach hotel for patients who refuse to pay: "One citation was for violating state hospital rules by locking its emergency room exit doors from the inside - a procedure that staff members said was to ensure patients paid before they left."

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Q: Where does a 400-pound woman sit?
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: Tonester
"a 400-pound, intoxicated, foul-mouthed female fan refused to vacate a seat and had to be forcibly removed... Event staff tried to talk the woman into leaving her seat for about 20 minutes, witnesses said, but finally despaired after several profanity laced responses. Witnesses said the woman was morbidly obese, so large that she could not fit into her seat but had to sit on several armrests."

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Go pledge your allegiance somewhere else
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: lodri
"A profession that we are a nation `under God' is identical, for Establishment Clause purposes, to a profession that we are a nation `under Jesus,' a nation `under Vishnu,' a nation `under Zeus,' or a nation `under no god,' because none of these professions can be neutral with respect to religion," Judge Alfred T. Goodwin wrote for the three-judge panel."

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Marilyn Manson's mugshot
The Smoking Gun | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
The Smoking Gun has released a photo of Marilyn Manson, taken at the time of his arrest for sexually assaulting the head of a security guard at a concert. He's still wearing his eyeliner (someone ought to tell him not to sleep in that shit, as it's brutal on the corneas) but mostly he's au naturel. Could this be why Rose McGowan no longer hangs with him?

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Spare the rod
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: Col Klink
"A teacher and seven boys from a public junior high school in Miyagi Prefecture face charges after another schoolboy was brutally injured when the students shoved a metal rod into his anus to punish a badminton blunder, police said Tuesday."

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We are not amused
Guardian | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"An advert for a chain of sex shops that shows the Queen reading a sex manual next to the line 'Phwoar, must get one', has provoked a rare letter of complaint from Buckingham Palace. Ann Summers received an official letter from the palace after posters featuring a picture of the Queen reading a copy of Wild Guide to Sex to bemused parliamentarians began appearing in shop windows across the country."

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KGB museum now open for business
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"One exhibit shows off a haul of captured US equipment, lifted from an agent parachuted into the Soviet Union 40 years ago. The Americans planned these operations meticulously - their agents had Russian clothes, spoke the language like natives and were dropped in with the latest in spy gadgets. But time after time they were unmasked by the KGB. With a gleeful smile, Valery tells us why. The staples holding together the agents' fake Soviet passports were made of good US, non-corrosive, stainless steel. Genuine Russian passports had staples made of metal that began to rust as soon as the passports were issued."

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