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June 25, 2002

New weapon from the makers of napalm
The Scotsman | Submitted by: Insanewarlock247
A newsonic weapon being developed for the Pentagon makes use of one of the most fearsome sounds known to humans: a baby crying. Once aimed at the enemy, a focused beam of the familiar noise, played backwards, will be painful enough to make enemy soldiers run for their lives."

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Killin' gophers and such
Discovery Canada | Submitted by: The Beaver
"The 2002 Ken Turcot Memorial Gopher Derby, sponsored by the SWF, opened on April 1 and closes June 23. Organisers estimate the province will be rid of 35,000 gophers when the dust has settled. So far 26 participants have killed nearly 22,000 gophers. The province's total numbers are in the millions."

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Pork chop shoes
News Corporation | Submitted by: Clove
"Using sticky tape, Mr Lucock allegedly strapped on a couple of pork chops as shoes and kept drinking. The fatty footwear soon began disintegrating, a witness said... Mr Bowron allegedly went to congratulate his opponent, slipped on the greasy residue left by Mr Lucock's makeshift shoes and broke his left arm."

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Woman of Plastic is falling apart
Sun | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Poor old Danniella Westbrook. First part of her nose fell off after years of cocaine abuse, and now one of her fake boobs has exploded. After spending years without the septum between her nostrils, the former EastEnders star had to suffer the embarrassment of one of her pneumatic breasts deflating during the weekend. The distraught actress was immediately taken to Springfield Hospital in Chelmsford, Essex."

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The pedophile polygamist, busted by math
AZ Central | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
Utah polygamist Tom Green "married" and impregnated one of his many wives when she was 13, thus making him a pedophile in the eyes of the law: "In the child-rape case, prosecutors submitted Kunz's testimony from previous hearings, as well as her 1973 birth certificate and the 1986 birth certificate of the couple's first child. 'Basically, this case comes down to math,' the judge said."

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Three-wheeled ride to hog heaven
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: riff
"It's an 88 cubic inch Harley Davidson Night Train motorcycle with a specially built coffin-carrying sidecar... The bike is brand-new but customised and specially painted by Trike Works in Taupo, with a new coffin shaped petrol tank complete with handles and a sidecar designed to securely hold a casket of any size. All up, it cost $71,000."

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Church of the Chainsaw
Independent Online | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Pastor Havell Stephens-Smith placed chainsaws on the altar and later conducted members of his congregation who brought their equipment to the service in an impromptu chainsaw orchestra outside. Children were given pictures of chainsaws to colour in which they presented to churchgoers. One child had a drawing of Jesus holding a chainsaw."

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Revenge of the Cows
Aftenposten | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"In a bizarre series of incidents, two farmers in different parts of the country were hospitalized after being attacked by cows. Elsewhere, four men narrowly missed having their car crushed by a crash-landing cow." This can only get worse...

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Public superlawyer works 40+ hour days
Chicago Sun-Times | Submitted by: JCS
"On Monday she worked 34 hours. On Tuesday she worked 44 hours. On Wednesday it was 29; 33 on Thursday, 25 on Friday, 42 on Saturday. On Sunday, she took it easy, with only 3.4 hours. Monday it was up to 18 and Tuesday it was 44. These are her hours alone, Murphy said. The sole practitioner's assistant bills separately."

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Pigs terrorize neighborhood
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
Residents in a Marion County, Fla., neighborhood said an aggressive pack of wild boars is terrorizing their neighborhood, according to Local 6 News. "I saw a pig looking in the window," resident Edwin Aundrea said. "It spotted me when I tried to chase him away it chased me in the house." With video.

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Lunchtime for the Proletariate
New York Times | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Wildlife restaurants are a sign of our prosperity," said Kuang Zuoqiao, 51, a slightly scruffy farmer who joined two relatives for cheap cigarettes and expensive chunks of wild boar here on a recent Tuesday afternoon. "It's fun and exciting to see what new animals taste like." He said they splurged on wild animal meals two or three times a month, adding, "When you see an animal, it's only natural to wonder what kind of flavor it has."

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Playing Cops & Robbers
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: Incubus
"In two weeks Fulton County jailer Dean Ricketts might have passed his training class to become a sheriff's deputy and been allowed to carry a weapon. Instead, Ricketts, 28, is in Atlanta City Jail, having accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend and fellow jailer, Mychiska Patterson, 23, Sunday afternoon at their southwest Atlanta apartment as they were "role-playing" a scenario he had learned."

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FBI hound dogs sniffing around the stacks
Washington Post | Submitted by: Ben Bohannon
"The FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it suspects of having ties to terrorists or plotting an attack, library officials say... Pat McCandless, assistant director for public services for Ohio State University's libraries, said, "State law and professional ethics say we do not convey patron information and that is still our stance."

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Memorial for horrid Scottish poet
Reuters | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Many of McGonagall's contemporaries, responded to his efforts by inventing 'poet-baiting' -- a form of public entertainment in which the poet performed while the audience jeered. He was the victim of many hoaxes, including a letter from 'King Theebaw of Burmah' granting him the title of Knight of the White Elephant, which he used for the rest of his life."

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Congress wants to investigate Bumfights
Las Vegas Review-Journal | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore., this week spoke on the floor of Congress to express his outrage over Bumfights: Cause for Concern Vol. 1. Interesting finger pointing, coming from the congressman representing the hobo capital of the world.

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Man's legs cut off while cleaning meat grinder
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
"A worker at a Montgomery meat processing plant had his legs severed in a large meat grinder, according to officials. Kelvin Cole, an employee at the plant, said he had heard that a sanitation worker was cleaning the machine when it was turned on accidentally. "That's a rumor that I've heard, too, but I'm not in a position to confirm it at this point because the investigation is not completed," a worker said."

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Poultry massacre may end with jail
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Toots
"About 20,000 chickens starved early in March after the Cypress Foods company went broke and ran out of food. When a court-appointed receiver stepped in, her attorneys said she immediately set to work looking for a food source, but the remaining chickens at the Trilby farm were in such bad shape that about 180,000 were euthanized."

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Chicken hypnotist tour ends abruptly
Reuters | Submitted by: Nick's Nut Sack
"An Alaskan chicken-hypnotist who cycles around the world with a traveling circus has ground to a halt after a charity clothes shop in Scotland sold her bicycle by mistake while she was in the fitting-room." The story begs the question, what the hell do you do with a hypnotized chicken? [Don't answer that.]

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