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June 19, 2002

Cops think man cut off his own penis
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: dick
"A 40-year-old Swedish man claimed three unidentified attackers cut off his penis, which has been missing ever since. But police say he castrated himself. It is not known why the man chose to mutilate himself."

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Bonkbuster: New word to learn in school
Independent Online | Submitted by: Tugboat
"She said that for someone like herself who regularly played with words it was an easy step from blockbuster to bonkbuster after a publisher asked for a 'big thick book with lots of bonking in it'". Thanks for explaining all that.

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Newest Japanese Fad
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
"Filled with growing frustration at the enormity of growing up, girls see the act of drawing a razor blade or knife across their wrists as an effective stress reliever, particularly as they make sure they don't cut deep enough to commit suicide."

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Moms need meth too
ABC News | Submitted by: kade
"When they begin to use methamphetamine, they feel more energy, they feel more mastery, they feel like they can get it all done," Murphy said. "They can take care of their kids, they can do their job, sometimes two jobs. They can meet what is for many women today, an almost impossible ideal."

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Cop hid lover's body in wall
Canoe | Submitted by: anonymous
"A Toronto divisional traffic cop lived alone with the body of his murdered former lover hidden in the house for more than four months, York police allege... Toronto Police Chief Julian Fantino expressed his deepest regrets over Mariani's murder, but said his force's image won't be tarnished by the alleged actions of one officer."

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Human shit kills carribean coral
Wire Services | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"A disease that is killing off coral in the Florida Keys and Caribbean is caused by bacteria found in human and animal feces, researchers said on Monday." Said a report, "This is the first time, to our knowledge, that a bacterial species associated with the human gut has been shown to be a marine invertebrate pathogen."

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Aggies in bondage
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Texas A&M University police are investigating about a dozen photos found at the yearbook office that show students naked, gagged and bound with duct tape." The students are believed to be band members and the photos appear to be the result of hazing.

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Handprints and Numerology Keep Osama Alive
jang.com.pk | Submitted by: pork_for_islam
"The renowned numerologist, Khalid Mustafa, is a 36-year-old Islamabad-based corporate lawyer by profession. His deep interest in numerology and palmistry has taken him close to some of the internationally known experts in the field. Despite his deep study and keen interest, he does not use his art for earning his livelihood." At least he has ethics. "Another interesting feature of Osama is the number of letters in his name which total 13, a number majority of the Americans do not like." Yadda yadda yadda...

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Tennessee lawmaker exposes self to children
WTVF-TV 5 Nashville | Submitted by: george_lazenby
Republican Tennessee state representative Keith Westmoreland, who was arrested last week in Florida for allegedly exposing himself at a crowded hotel pool, has been investigated for this type of crime before. Nashville Metro Police responded to a call from the Days Inn near the Capitol this past March. In that case, guests had complained that Westmoreland had exposed himself.

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Perfect career is a scalpel snip away
Canberra Times | Submitted by: Kirsty
"Chinese desperate to improve their English to boost their career prospects were turning to unnecessary operations on their tongues, a doctor said today... All the patients had normal tongues and their requests were refused."

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Whopper Stopper
News Corporation | Submitted by: clove
"Anaesthetist Dawn Cullen confirmed that in one of his temper tantrums, Dr Peter Bayliss had left a patient tied to a bed with a sanitary pad stuffed in her mouth."

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Mad cow gives police run-around
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"Police were involved in a three-hour pursuit yesterday after a daring escape brought mayhem to a section of the main Cork-Dublin Road. The fugitive, who broke out from a supposedly secure area, tried to ram patrol cars, managed to out-run police and a posse of local people, was eventually shot."

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Devil's work claims diocese dunny
News Corporation | Submitted by: worldwadeweb
A pun-laden parable about the theft of an outdoor dunny [Aussie slang for "potty"]: "The old fashioned thunderbox at Kialla West Uniting Church, near Shepparton, was lifted from its foundations and taken away on a small truck or ute [Aussie slang for "utility vehicle"] sometime before Sunday morning's service."

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ABC outrages viewers again
NewsMax | Submitted by: Incubus
"A fictional TV executive begs her to give the baby as a gift to a vain star. Urich tells a friend who holds the baby, 'you break her, you bought her.' And when one woman muses that the baby looks cute enough to eat, a man says he doesn't eat Chinese babies 'because a half hour later I'm hungry and have to eat another.'"

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Darwinism in Queens
Newsday | Submitted by: Waingro
"Two Queens teenagers who decided to take a joyride on the roof of a Ford Explorer were injured Monday morning in a Jones Beach parking lot after their friend drove the vehicle at a high speed and swerved, throwing the two boys off of the roof and sending the vehicle into a 360-degree roll."

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Dog-sitter not clear on the concept
BBC | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"A 26-year-old man who shot his friend's dog 19 times with airgun when he was supposed to be looking after him, has been jailed for five months...In what magistrates described as a "despicable act only imaginable in nightmares", 13 air pellets were found in his body, two in his neck and four more in his body. The dog had also been stabbed." With x-ray photo!

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Car towed to morgue with victims still inside
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
"A sport utility vehicle cut off a Chrysler in the left express lane. To avoid getting hit, the driver of the Chrysler cut sharply to the left and plowed into the concrete center divider. The car bounced off the divider, careened to the right and into the local lanes, where it collided with a Dodge and flipped."

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The idiot savant's Illuminati
Village Voice | Submitted by: Dianalily
"The underpinnings of [Bush's] new America rest in the hands of a fairly small group of conservative lawyers in Washington. There is nothing sinister about them, per se, but they frame the arguments and devise the legal mechanisms that, for example, allow the president to make war against Iraq without any meaningful consent from Congress. These intense, smart ideologues hail from the right-wing revolutionary movement, which believes it's past time to take America back from the crummy, weak-kneed liberal elites."

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Cell phones may be hazardous
BBC | Submitted by: Phatlor
"Scientists from the Radiation and Nuclear Safety Authority found that exposing human cells to mobile phone radiation damaged the blood-brain barrier, a safety barrier in the body that stops harmful substances in blood from entering the brain." We are rather skeptical of this, though Andy Dick thinks otherwise.

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EPA says toxic sludge is good for fish
Washington Times | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"The Army Corps of Engineers' dumping of toxic sludge into the Potomac River protects fish by forcing them to flee the polluted area and escape fishermen, according to an internal Environmental Protection Agency document." Life under the Bush White House.

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Wal-Mart ham causes seizures
Naples Daily News | Submitted by: anonymous
"A woman who said she has suffered epileptic seizures since a 13-pound ham fell on her head at a Wal-Mart lost a $500,000 lawsuit Tuesday... Wal-Mart's attorney, Steven Sundook, said that Vasquez's description of the accident defied the laws of gravity and physics."

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Fatties to pay twice
USA Today | Submitted by: MM
"Passengers whose love handles cannot fit between the arm rests of Southwest's seats will be charged double for flying on the low cost-carrier, the company said Wednesday."

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Trucker ran over waitress, dragged her
AZ Central | Submitted by: tjd
"Her jaw was broken and one of her teeth was found near her body. During the trial, the jury took a field trip to where her body was found. It was the same spot where Mackay had urinated when police took him out to look for the body a few days before it was found, according to RCMP Cpl. Kirby Buckingham. Court also heard that Mackay's toilet clogged up and flooded his bathroom after he tried to flush Paskemin's red cowboy hat."

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