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June 08, 2002

Sentenced to wallow in their own filth
Naples Daily News | Submitted by: anonymous
"The Rosses pleaded guilty to the charge Thursday by admitting to the violations. Miller modified their five-year probation term to require them to spend the next two years of it on house arrest. However, the judge withheld a formal finding of guilt, finding the violations weren't "material or substantial"... In the original criminal case, [the house was] overrun with trash and insects... The older boy, home alone, was sitting in a chair in the living room and was covered with bugs."

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Man to smoke pot legally in jail
CBC New Brunswick | Submitted by: m_wil
"Public safety minister Margaret Anne Blaney says having an inmate with the right to smoke marijuana is a first for the province. She says the province doesn't have a policy for this situation but will have to come up with one before July 18."

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Big Brother dons a snorkel
AZ Central | Submitted by: Orpheus
"The FBI has begun a nationwide canvass of shops that offer scuba diving instruction based on information that "various terrorist elements have sought to develop an offensive scuba diver capability." First scuba shops, then your own home. Big Brother watches all.

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Girls are still rotten
Boulder Weekly | Submitted by: anonymous
Though we've known it all along, a number of books about how rotten girls can be are getting attention on bestseller lists. Girls are taught to express their meanness in indirect ways, agrees author Peggy Orenstein, but if they weren't, girls would still be mean in more direct ways, she offers, like shouting, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

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Bad Times for G-Men
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
I want my client to be judged by a jury of his homeboy peers... so I insist that Your Honor reject all potential jurors whose name begins with the letter "G" because (this being Miami) that person is likely to be a Hispanic and therefore unsympathetic to my twice convicted drug dealing gun waving low life client.

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Nazi's heirs lose battle over Hitler watercolors
Independent | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Artistically they are of scant merit, said by those who have seen them to depict street scenes and war landscapes. But as the hilarious 1983 saga of the fake Hitler diaries shows, any artifact carrying the signature 'A. Hitler' has a curiosity value beyond price."

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Kiddie Kommandos go on rampage
Delco Times | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
Armed service recruitment ads are on TV and in schools. The media, especially after 9-11, regularly glamorizes the military. So it should come as no surprise that all this propaganda would brainwash a bunch of stupid 14-year-olds into forming their own "Bravo Team" and then break into their middle school armed with pellet guns and doing $40-$50,000 worth of damage.

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Plane crashes while towing crash memorial
Newsday | Submitted by: Rhotus
Next year's senior class will have to work real hard to top this year's graduation spectacle. But we have faith in their ingenuity.

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Maryland state tree bites the dust
CNN | Submitted by: McUSA
"The massive Wye Oak, the living symbol of Maryland's state tree and designated the largest white oak in the country, was toppled Thursday during a thunderstorm." Contains a graphic photo that may be disturbing to some of our arboreal viewers.

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Town celebrates axe murder
Newsday | Submitted by: Hail Otis
"In addition to the movie, the Villisca Ax Murders 90th Anniversary Commemorative Weekend also includes a panel discussion led by history professors, tours of the restored Moore house, walking tours of the town and cemetery and a dinner to raise money for the public library. Carolyn Gage, editor of the Villisca Review, said the challenge in planning the weekend was avoiding any hint of exploitation."

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Police kill dog for spite
MSNBC | Submitted by: pete the anarchist
"I think it was uncalled for the way these cops acted yesterday... no need for people to get Maced in the face and thrown against the ground, shooting the dog for no reason when the dog didn't do nothing to anyone. He was a harmless dog." According to a witness, "The officer had his knee in his back on top of Terry while the other officer had his gun out pointing at the dog." Bang.

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Transexual Minister in Methodist Church
Washington Post | Submitted by: Incubus
United Methodist Bishop Felton May said he intends to assign a minister who recently had a sex-change operation to a pastoral position, the first such appointment in the local church and one of the few in any mainline denomination in the country. Some Methodists oppose the appointment for moral and theological reasons and are trying to derail it on procedural grounds."

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Rampage to coverup mummification murders
KNBC-TV 4 Los Angeles | Submitted by: Helaine the Pain
"A gunman may have staged a deadly grocery store rampage out of fear that someone was about to find his parents' mummified bodies in his home, police said Friday... A bloodstained carpenter's hammer was found next to the bed and apparently had been used to kill them two years ago, police said in a statement. Investigators also found several Polaroid photographs of the decomposed bodies, dated April 2001."

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Bo and Luke Duke in SUV
Denver Post | Submitted by: marcus
A couple of humanity's finest, liquored up to paint the town red decide to fly their Ford Explorer over a classic car show. Despite the fact they did clear a 2 seater hotrod does not mean they are in Hazzard County anymore. These Good ole boys are going to spend a few years in jail.

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Parents name kid after hockey stadium
WDIV-TV 4 Detroit | Submitted by: Nben
"A Toledo couple has showed their devotion to the Detroit Red Wings by naming their newborn son Joe Louis Arena. "We were watching the game and saw Joe Louis Arena on the ice ... in the middle ... and you're always thinking your last name when you see "arena," so we said we'd name him Joe Louis Arena and it stuck," said Sarah Arena, the baby's mother." They let anyone be a parent nowadays.

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Man gets life for baking pot brownies
San Diego Union-Tribune | Submitted by: Kyle T.
"Prosecutors also charged Wells with child abuse, saying he harmed his son when he gave him the marijuana, but Superior Court Judge Marguerite Wagner dismissed that charge. "I'm not convinced it causes great bodily injury for a 15-year-old to have a (laced) brownie," she said."

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West Virginia police at their finest
Charleston Daily Mail | Submitted by: Crime Dog
"The substance that 37-year-old Kelley Mace was accused of possessing turned out to be plant food, her lawyer said Friday... On the day that police raided Mace's home, Patton said the Clay county informant started calling his client at about 10 a.m. and harassing her... "He was laughing and telling her that the cops were coming," Patton said. "That kept up all day. When she'd ask what he was talking about, he'd just tell her ‘You'll see.'" Well, it is West Virginia. Duh.

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Dead Sox newest fantasy league team
Court TV | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Fantasy Death Row, which bills its site as "Capital Fun-ishment from the heart of Texas," is a different sort of contest — quite literally a game of life and death. Participants select "players" from a list of death row inmates, then accumulate points based on the progress of their cases. Pardons are worth 50 points, clemency 25 points, and players lose 10 points if an inmate is executed and another 50 if the executed inmate is proven not guilty after his death." This all seems backwards.

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South Africa internet may be forced down
ZDnet | Submitted by: Soylent
"South Africa's parliament gave initial approval Friday to a law designed to expand access to the Internet, but critics say it could force the network to shut down in the country... "This bill fails to avert the danger that we will lose South Africa's major connection to the Internet itself... This Net grab simply nationalizes domain name administration," she said before voting against it."

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