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May 18, 2002

Worthless virgins targeted
KTRK-TV 13 Houston | Submitted by: Macki
"It's clear the adult humor on a new KLOL billboard is targeting a certain segment of listeners. One on Highway 59 and FM 1960 reads, Hey all you virgins! Thanks for nothing! But it's also clear that not everyone is laughing."

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Spit or swallow? It's all about the sauce
Yale Daily News | Submitted by: twigles
"Due to a short bout with bulimia, Alison could put almost a full banana down her throat. Perplexed by the magnitude of her accomplishment, I asked her to help me with my own technique. It was at this moment, surrounded by peels of various sorts, with bananas thrust down our throats, that Alison's mother walked in. Needless to say, she was puzzled at WHY we were doing all this eating on Alison's bedroom floor and asked who would lick a carrot before she ate it anyway? We had no answer."

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Have you flown a Ford lately?
Indianapolis Star | Submitted by: wingnut
A funny thing happened on the way to the airport: Safety crews prepare to tow a private airplane off the drag strip at Indianapolis Raceway Park in Clermont. The pilot mistook the track for Eagle Creek Airport

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Fecal wallpaper leads to arrest
Town Online | Submitted by: Cannabis Kid
"A Harvard Kennedy School employee encountered an unwanted guest last Friday when he opened a restroom door and found a naked 59-year-old man there who was smearing the walls with feces... 'The presence of a naked man smearing feces on the wall is a big concern for us', Catalano said of Harvardís response to the trespasser."

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Teen smoker owes $6,000
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: wingnut
"An unrepentant and not-too-secretive smoker who got hooked on tobacco at 13, Scibby says he's an easy target for local police. In particular, he and his mother blame the police for waging a crusade against smoking at his expense. 'You do one little thing, you look suspicious and they search you', Scibby said." DUH.

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Cops Foil Blowtorch Attacker
New York Daily News | Submitted by: SeMeN SPeRmS
"A Queens man tried to set a rookie cop on fire with a makeshift blowtorch using foot spray and a lighter ó but the officer pulled out a can of his own and doused his attacker with pepper spray, police said yesterday."

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Kid's thong questioned
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: John
"Abercrombie & Fitch, the same retailer that enraged parents last year with a summer catalog of teenage-looking models groping each other and in the nude, now offers several varieties of thongs at its Abercrombie stores, the division of the company for children 7 to 14 years old."

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Lethal Colonics from the UK
This Is Derbyshire | Submitted by: anon
"A pipe fitter from Derby died after giving himself an enema using a home-made metal pipe attached to a shower. John Ross (54) regularly used the home-made implement, his girlfriend told an inquest at Derby Coroner's Court yesterday. But, in April this year, he perforated his bowel and contracted peritonitis and blood poisoning, dying two days after being admitted to hospital."

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Cops ousted after sex scandal with loon
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: TOOTS
"After a seven-month investigation, two Clearwater police officers have resigned and a sergeant has been fired amid allegations of on-duty sexual misconduct with a mentally disturbed woman."

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The Twice-Slashed Throat
Hindustan Times | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"An alleged murderer of Daniel Pearl has told interrogators that he slit the US journalist's throat twice because on the first occasion the video camera had failed to catch the shot due to a technical glitch. "That's why in the video you didn't see the blood oozing out of his neck, I had to work hard to keep the neck together so that it doesn't become obvious in the film that I am slitting an already cut throat," he said."

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Grandma's Family Pickpockets, Inc.
Associated Press | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"A 65-year-old arthritic grandmother received a four-year prison sentence Friday for leading a statewide pickpocket ring...When Florida Department of Law Enforcement agents broke up Williams' network after a two-year investigation, they arrested eight people, including three of her children and one of her grandsons."

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A Typical Love Story
Wrexham Leader | Submitted by: JudgeMental
"Newlywed Richard Griffiths, 75, has revealed he regrets marrying 23-year-old Laura Price, and how he is hoping to put it all behind him."

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8 year old boy drives himself to school
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: brainwrong
In my day I used to take the bus, walk, or cycle to school. How times change. 'The 4-foot-tall second-grader somehow managed to drive his family's brand-new Hyundai to Fremont Elementary School in Antioch Tuesday morning' '"He's a very enterprising young man who was excited to come to school," said Jerry Macy, deputy superintendent of the Antioch Unified School District. "It's not something in the norm we can condone."'

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Escaped inmate hid in prison 7 weeks
AZ Central | Submitted by: SweetSpot
"A double murderer thought to have escaped from a southern Alberta jail seven weeks ago literally fell into the laps of prison officials when he was cut out of his hideout in the overhead ductwork of a prison building... Raymond John Tudor, 48, was first reported missing from the medium-security Drumheller Institution on March 26. But his disappearance baffled prison officials since security perimeters were never breached."

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