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January 23, 2002

Sausage maker forgets dismembering wife
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: Pete
"Mr. Williams, if you loved her so much, how were you able to saw her head off?" Sausage maker Connie Williams stands accused of stabbing and dismembering his wife, Frances. Apparently, Willams fought with his wife "after she found a pair of women's underwear in their home and [she] did not believe his explanation that the underwear belonged to his daughter." Bring on the bandsaw.

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Teacher makes 20 girls pregnant
Natal Witness | Submitted by: mbeki
"An example was cited in the draft report of a teacher at Ntabeni Secondary School in the Eastern Cape who was accused of having affairs with schoolgirls and impregnating 20 of them... Mpumalanga province noted in its report that some children prostitute themselves for money and in some cases girls do not come to school because they are being kept as sex slaves by elderly people for very little or no payment."

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The British Projectile Vomit
This is London | Submitted by: z0rak187
The new season of British flu is yielding spectacular gains: "It is often mistaken for food poisoning because when you are sick you really are sick and it comes out like a torrent... we are not talking about feeling a bit dicky and chucking up in the toilet bowl - people can vomit straight out for about a yard." Score!

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Batman named president of Ball Hospital
Indiana Star Press | Submitted by: Scarecrow
"Batman has been with Cardinal Health System for more than a year and had been acting president of BMH since Mitch Carson's departure in August. Batman will remain executive vice president and chief operating officer of CHS."

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Polish corpse scam
CNN | Submitted by: skreemin' meemee
Undertakers in Lodz are paying bounties to get stiffs handled by their establishments. The problem is, hospital employees may be expediting the creation of these stiffs in order to obtain the bounties. "Months of work by police has confirmed signs of unlawful and inhumane acts by emergency first aid workers and funeral parlours."

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Yale senior has police authenticate heroin
Yale Daily News | Submitted by: Wraith
"Tippy announced that he had just purchased what he thought to be heroin and wanted to test its authenticity, police said. The good news: The substance tested positive for heroin, Patten said. The bad news: Tippy was immediately arrested for narcotics possession." What a way to end your college career, walking into a police station and asking if the smack you bought is pure. If only he knew a chemistry major, he could have been shooting up instead of sitting in jail going through withdrawls. Sux to be him (plus his name is "Tippy").

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