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January 11, 2002

Diamond up the ass fails to pass
Detroit Free Press | Submitted by: Jack
A man who swallowed diamonds to hide evidence from police is asking one of the diamonds be surgically removed, after he failed to shit it out. The one-carat gem seems to be lodged in a cul-de-sac of Randy Griffin's intestines, oddly not passing after heavy doses of laxative. "I need this out of me," Griffin said, before breaking down in tears. "I'm scared. I really am. I want to hand this over more than anyone does."

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Plot to kill Jeb Bush?
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Soylent
"The informant also was able to supply information about the owner of a van that might be involved in the alleged plot. Agents found the van -- but not the owner -- and searched it Thursday in Broward County. They found no explosives, but bomb-sniffing dogs alerted to the presence of something suspicious. "The bomb dogs just hit on the van," said an agent. "The dogs went crazy. The bomb dogs were all over it."

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Cheerleaders sue over NFL peepholes
New York Post | Submitted by: Soylent
"It was one of the NFL's best-kept secrets - that opposing players could get a steamy look into the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders' shower through tiny peepholes in the visitors locker room. The suit names every NFL team except the Eagles, who never used the locker room, and the Jacksonville Jaguars."

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Transportation Secretary sentenced to jail for DUI
Associated Press | Submitted by: Obs
After overturning his car while pulling out of his driveway (yikes) in July of 2001, Former U.S. Transportation Secretary Drew Lewis was sentenced today to 30 days in jail for drunken driving. He had a blood alcohol level of .30 (yikes again), and it was his second arrest for DUI. It's almost an overdose of irony until you realize the man who appointed him was Ronald Reagan.

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Ugly girl sues school district
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: Soylent
"Last February, Alison got mononucleosis and was absent for two weeks. When she returned to school, one teacher, in front of a class, put his shirt over his nose and mouth and said to Alison, 'Get away from me, I don't want to get mono,' according to the lawsuit. Students also taunted her about the illness. One said, 'I don't know how you got mono. You're so ugly, no guy would ever kiss you,' the suit said." [How did she get mono?]

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Terrorist attack could wipe out Northern England
IRNA | Submitted by: Soylent
"A terrorist attack on the controversial Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant could release radioactivity 100 times worse than the 1986 Chernobyl accident and render the north of England uninhabitable, MPs have been warned... anywhere downwind from the plant, on the northwest coast of England, would be wiped out probably for generations." (UK Defence Committee report, quoted by the Iranian news agency)

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The True Color of the Cosmos
CNN | Submitted by: Soylent
The men in white lab coats are at it again: "The color is quite close to the standard shade of pale turquoise," said Karl Glazebrook, who with colleague Ivan Baldry presented the findings to the American Astronomical Society this week. To come up with the chromatic signature of the cosmos, the two analyzed a celestial census of the light from more than 200,000 galaxies. [Up next: the True Taste of the Cosmos.]

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