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November 16, 2001

Taliban atomic secrets really a parody
Rotten | Submitted by: Sketch
You may have heard on the news that atomic instructions were found in the remains of a Taliban hideout. Yes, this is true. What you didn't hear is that those "instructions" are really a parody published in 1979 by the Journal of Irreproducible Results, and while accurate, aren't much of a threat. [Article by Rotten Staff member Sketch.]

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Homosexual snake orgies
National Post | Submitted by: LadyC
"In a report in the journal Nature today, a team of American and Australian scientists describe how the snakes' bizarre sexual antics -- which involve plenty of transsexual and homosexual activity in writhing mating balls -- gets the reptiles' temperature rising after eight months of hibernation."

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Live turkey chase on the rocks
KABC | Submitted by: narfpoit
PETA has once again interefered in a time-honored and patriotic American tradition, the Live Turkey Chase. Glenn McElroy was intending to release 320 turkeys into his junkyard in a raucous free for all, but animal activists [note: animals have no rights] have deemed to put an end to the festivities. PETA spokesman: "We attempt to speak up for turkeys." The rest of America, we attempt to eat the turkeys.

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Birds in Pants
Associated Press | Submitted by: WhyMe
What better way to not attract attention at the airport during these trying days, than with 44 birds in your pants. The birds, melodious finches, are "easily stressed by capture" which we can only assume include being hidden inside one's pants.

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Mullah Omar threatens wrath on USA
Associated Press | Submitted by: Soylent
Mullah Omar is the leader of the Taliban. Recently they engaged in a strategic retreat, but he's said a few interesting things in the process. "The current situation in Afghanistan is related to a bigger cause that is the destruction of America. If God's help is with us, this will happen within a short period of time keep in mind this prediction. The real matter is the extinction of America, and God willing, it will fall to the ground." Is this a portent of atomics, or a crazy bearded guy?

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