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November 11, 2001

Mystery man slashes 3 in beauty salon
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: Daoloth
"A tall man in a long, dark coat and a black hat who walked through this small Western town in the Bitterroot Valley one morning this week, and then brazenly walked out again. When he left, three women in the local beauty salon were dead, their throats slashed."

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String of penises stolen!
Denver Post | Submitted by: Soylent
The, umm, artifact that we reported on two days ago has been stolen: "A string of brightly colored ceramic penises that dangled from a clothesline in a controversial artwork titled "Hanging 'Em Out to Dry" was stolen Saturday morning from the Boulder Public Library, police said. In its place hung an American flag and a note: El Dildo Bandito was here."

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USA recruits psychics to fight terrorists
Sunday Times | Submitted by: Soylent
"Prudence Calabrese, whose Transdimensional Systems employs 14 remote viewers [psychic nutballs], confirmed that the FBI had asked the company to predict likely targets of future terrorist attacks."

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Congress passes laws it is not allowed to read
Insight | Submitted by: Soylent
Congress is being forced to vote on bills they are not permitted to read, which is certainly a very scary way to pretend to run a government. "Paul confirms rumors circulating in Washington that this sweeping new law, with serious implications for each and every American, was not made available to members of Congress for review before the vote." Furthermore, numerous attempts by Congressmen to obtain copies were rebuffed.

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Bin Laden admits destroying WTC
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Soylent
From a tape not intended for circulation outside of al-Qaida supporters: "If avenging the killing of our people is terrorism then history should be a witness that we are terrorists. Yes, we kill their innocents and this is legal religiously and logically."

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